"Give us clean hands, O God!"

been walking a more introspective few-weeks, asking God for a greater measure of love for His people than before. learning to listen more than talk, be patient, learning to understand more than to be understood. we love because He first loved us, of late it's been so lifechanging just to shift gears and look out more for others' heart-language than before. but of course i didn't go around attempting to do that for EVERYBODY i meet, that'd be trying to be God. but those around me, those i hang with, those i love God together with, i pray to God for His love to expand my heart and sustain my faith...He's so full of the agape love that i have not.

had Eklektos ldrship meetg two nights ago. in a nutshell: discipleship, prayer, leadership-building are non-negotiables. we took about 5 group shots at the end, this is my fave, yo! (joel, thanks for framing the group photo for our dear "you don't trust me is it?" calvin to click the shutter... it was funnier to be on the other side of the camera watching the wannabe photographer do his thang!)

this morning's prayer time rocked! i'm not addicted to praying with my youth, i'm addicted to praying with my youth in God's presence. what makes the difference? duh, the last 2 words. and God's presence was definitely with us as he led us through a time of breakthrough prayer and repentance. after awhile of praying, we sang 'rain down' and 'give us clean hands', the anointing picked up and everybody began to pray real strong...each of us began to cry out for this generation, then He wanted us to focus on these issues: suicide, pornography, sexual immorality, purposelessness, apathy.

yeah! God, You're raising up a praying army in this place, a generation that seeks
Your face O God of Jacob...of those who know You. of those who would exchange the world just to know Your presence. Lord, turn Your face to us, cause us to long after Your heart's desires above all else, that nothing matters as much as being totally with You - not even signs and wonders, not even big numbers, nothing. Let this army rise to Your trumpet call, Lord, and at the sound of Your voice do great exploits. only at the sound of Your voice.

me bday

just went through some photo folders and saw these, didn't know they were there at all! it was a memorable night with my eklektos family, nov 21:


this was one surprise i didn't expect. 27 years don't prepare you for times like this. it was towards the end of our service, and halfway through the closing song it switched to a birthday tune! check out the slide they flashed up...awww. out came these balloon-toting guys, i didn't know THAT would happen...

after recovering, i realized the balloons were in the shape of my name...how sweeeeett! aren't they adorable? (i mean the people, not the balloons)

then i was brought onto the stage, and after the song came SPEECH time...speechLESS. i spoke lar, of course! but not much. it was heartwarming just the fact that these awesome young men and women are so loving :) i was so proud to just be with them, the most amazing young people in the whole world were around me, right there...

then i was given a (pretty big) yellow pin to burst the 'J' - "we put notes in there for you, burst them!" okayyy....... "but i'm scared!" some pops later, they encircled me and prayed blessing over me. God, what an honor and privilege. i was blessed to bits :')

it was really touching...felt the luurrve, man...felt the lurve.

emergeNT

much has happened in the span of this week. i'll just take EMERGENT camp Dec 8-10 - had difficulty penning down my post-camp thoughts. so i ask, 'God, what do You think? what do You see?' perhaps i could write a 10-paged report on how we could have organized it better, avoided more last-minute arrangements, prepared the team and campers better, etc. but that's rubbish, in this case. i'm just gonna stick with the big picture.

camp's theme was abt the new testament church, key verse being acts 2:17. i recall my post on Dec 6, a short excerpt "...we're preparing for a mighty outpouring of Holy Spirit on every one of the 60+ campers and to see these followers of Jesus Christ be imparted with supernatural faith and walk in radical obedience. God is gonna break mindsets of the 'old' and pour in the 'new'; it is time to rethink our ecclesiology and retool in unity to prepare God's army for revival harvest - like a pitstop and a boiling kettle..."


certain amazing happenings:

1) during prayer time on sat morning, Theresa got the words joy and power, God also showed her a picture of His promises kept in a bottle. Gem saw a person holding out his hands in front of him forming a round shape, she didn't know what it meant. on that day, after the 1st session of worship, i felt led to tell everybody, 'ok! hold out both your hands in front of your body like you're holding a big barrel.' at this point, Gem felt her picture was confirmed! and we had everyone say, 'Holy Spirit, come and fill me up!' as they did that as a faith-action. then after the sessions, one of the campers was prayed for by a group, and as she was filled with the power of God the whole group began to be filled with joy, and Theresa felt God had kept His promises, just as she saw.

2) throughout camp we had times of group prayer especially with those who stayed-in (leaders). this is one of the most prayer-full camps! one of us during one prayer time, saw a picture of a circle with a dot in the centre, and then the dot multiplied. the awesome thing was that i saw the same thing and actually prayed it aloud. the youth who saw it got so excited, and everyone was encouraged! it was abt being focused, and allow God to spread and multiply.

3) on Oct 27 during the camp committee's prayer time, we received (i won't mention all): 'no more traditional, God wants to do a new thing', 'God wants to break off old mindsets', a hard-boiled egg signifying 'substance on the inside'. i know most of the stuff covered during the sessions were nothing newly profound, yet when grasped and lived out, radical things will happen. mindset is a powerful thing, and i felt it will be 2 years of breaking, breaking, breaking...while building substance and radical obedience this season amidst many things we don't understand. He's already begun His new thing!

4) we had sessions on (sat) being a disciple vs a convert, acts 2:42-47, supernatural faith by vincent, baptism and holy communion, (sun) visit to community centres in teams, joel 2, (mon) living with purpose by david, discipleship 101 by aivern, going beyond people's expectations by calvin, testimony-sharing and closing. oh! but i remember sun night with fire in my heart, because God spoke strongly during worship to change direction of my message. i felt a drive as we opened to Phil 3 and Joel 2, and God led us through a time of repentance, and later, revival prayer. there was a call for impartation on each person as we ended -- and many small groups praying for one another formed all around the hall. an army!

5) God answered the prayers of many, especially those who fasted and prayed specifically for EMERGENT to know God in a POWERful way.

6) too many to write...


at EMERGENT, i know significant things happened, though invisible to the naked eye. many of the younger ones were touched in ways i had not seen before, and many said, 'this camp is different', 'i thought being a non stay-in camp it wouldn't be as fun, but i don't regret joining', etc.

we ask God to continue His deep work of conviction in every heart! Holy Spirit, come and fill us up to walk in Your presence and power...daily. Eklektos, don't lay low, don't back off, don't slow down - turn up the heat in prayer and radical obedience! emerge, army of God in KK, it is time, contend for revival!

charting your course? land ahoy!

its been two weeks.

ever felt like you've done so SO so much reflection and soul-searching, that when you sit down before your laptop to post a blog you end up not being able to?
*laugh* happens to me all the time.
but today is a day to post.

are you right now charting the course for a new year ahead, and there are so many decisions just waiting for you to make? if yes, you're not alone. 2007 has been a year of transition for many of us, more so than some years. perhaps i refer to those in malaysia when i say this. and transition may mean uncertainty, loss of clarity, goal assessment, change in career or location, direction-seeking, etc. now that we're at the threshold of 2008, life will get more exciting than ever. oh, i'm sure! and are you feeling just a tad unsure whether you're hearing God right, or when you thought you were clear some minor occurrences seem to pop up causing some doubt in your heart? maybe you're frustrated as you wait on the Lord and still find yourself back to square one? if yes, you're not alone.

you're probably getting the idea - 'aha! janice is in the same dilemma.' wow! how'd you guess?! well, personal details aside, i've got something to share that may encourage your hearts to wait, and wait on still. been reading through the OT, found such jewel-bits that spoke to me in volumes never before heard. i'll pick on samuel, that young prophet who heard God when visions were rare. God doesn't always speak the way we expect, huh? and three times God called lil' sam! good thing eli figured out it was God, otherwise "david as king" might not have happened...i mean, that's when samuel's journey as a prophet started, right? on he grew in his destiny, and through him david's destiny was sealed. or rather, oiled *grin* david was such an eccentric, even before sam anointed him. such a character, i love him! but you see, if i were even HALF like david, i would've SO doubted i heard God rightly. i'd be like, "i thought you said this would happen??" or "didn't you tell me that...??!" he knew God spoke of his calling, he knew God's plan for his career/life, there seemed to be confirmations along the way...but boy, he had to wait. and so long! two times he could've sped things up a bit. kill off saul and tada! the throne's yours, o dave! if you read on 1 and 2 samuel, notice how many times he'd ask God before battles. the victory's sure when you seek the Lord surely.

i know God wants me to know which decision is right; He doesn't sway, He doesn't give wrong directions, He doesn't play with your mind. note: (1) every decision, pray decisively. don't be afraid to articulate your desires BOLDLY and UNASHAMEDLY. i need to learn this so much. (2) ask for confirmation through people, scripture, etc. but trust your own discerning heart to make sound judgment for your future. (3) take concrete steps in faith toward what you're praying for, while being open to other options if any. (4) be prepared to wait VERY patiently and claim that peace of God will be yours when you settle into the best decision.
still charting my course, yet to see shore but it's there over the horizon...heard the phrase "life is fragile, handle with prayer"? i say life is adventurous, navigate with prayer. land ahoy!

someone very wise said last week, "it's a matter of time, not a matter of heart." huh? what does that mean? it means when your heart is set on something (i.e. dream, goal, etc.), don't over the course of time let that slip away or disintegrate but trust in the right time it will come to fruition. although occasionally disillusioned, or maybe you may refine it a bit, it doesn't mean your passion has changed or you've lost sight of it. let your heart stay faithful. it's a matter of time. that was like woah! i'll pray abt 2008 with that!

preparing for Eklektos' EMERGENT camp Dec 8-10, during which i will speak at 3-4 sessions focusing on Acts 2:42-47 and Joel 2:28 (the NT in 'EMERGENT' being New Testament), along with other facilitators. we're preparing for a mighty outpouring of Holy Spirit on every one of the 60+ campers and to see these followers of Jesus Christ be imparted with supernatural faith and walk in radical obedience. God is gonna break mindsets of the 'old' and pour in the 'new'; it is time to rethink our ecclesiology and retool in unity to prepare God's army for revival harvest - like a pitstop and a boiling kettle. it is time! if you're reading this and will pray for us, don't pray gentle, mild prayers - i ask for your radical & passionate intercession on our behalf to the Father.

P/S: please pray for the kampung air villagers that stay within walking distance from my house in tanjung aru. many were forced to evacuate on Nov 26 when the seawater level rose and big waves struck down some wooden bridges and houses. the weather department has given a warning that there would be another 'wave of destruction' (pardon the pun) this Dec 25 (at least that's what some of these villagers told me). ask that it not happen, that we can praise God who is in control of all elements.

changes?!?

"be the change you want to see in the world."
mahatma gandhi said this.

past few days been praying for a mighty wind of change, for God to move what men (and women) so far have not been able to. just got back from a, shall i say, intensely disturbing and interestingly boring few-days' camp. will not divulge much info here, but for sure it was one freaking tiring camp simply from the weight of decisions being made there. these are deciding factors in many ways for a future so linked with my own (whether i like it or not), in more ways than i'd like to acknowledge. SO worn-out by now, just glad i made it home! plus, the amount of hakka spoken throughout the whole ordeal gave me a splitting headache i hadn't had for a long time.
am i glad i went? sure.

aside from the buzz of teatime talks, i spent the freetimes thinking by myself just short of seeming anti-social. and as i reflected (coupled with some serious people-watching!) at the camp, it reinforced the fact that one can devote one's whole life to effect change. some social issue. or a cause concerning justice. people do it all the time. suicide bombers, we say, are 'emulate-able' because they're not afraid to die for what they believe in. like Lions for Lambs, "what will you STAND for? what will you FIGHT for? what will you LIVE for? what will you DIE for?" but TRUTH, much like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder. there are those who choose to do something when something needs to be done, but sometimes some of these martyrs choose a 'wrong' cause. or rather, they're blind and cannot see what they hold on to may be wrong.

there are so many people, GOOD people, who truly use up decades of their lives serving some system or government or organization or idea of a better world - and we ask ourselves, "do they know there's a better way? do they know there's a whole different view out there? do they realize their inability to SEE?"

with the wariness i felt, it made me unable to fully immerse myself in the post-camp conversation going on with my team, which expressed their enthusiastic hope that with these decisions newly in place from this camp there will be some long-awaited positive changes, FINALLY. inside i pray silently in my heart, "God, i ask that i would always ONLY fight for the cause that You want me to. i don't wanna hold firm to ideals that are not in line with Your will...these who seem so 'blind' yet so fully believe their views are right, how it frustrates me that they cannot see! but Lord, ensure i am not blind myself! here we try to effect change so that they would see these new decisions will bring good. Lord, may i not find myself in those same shoes ever --- thinking i'm being the change i want to see in the world, yet not SEEing my views could be wrong, or 'more right'."

it frightens me to imagine any of us can stand/fight/live/die for change we want to see but be blind to TRUTH. may that not happen when we endeavor to devote our lives for the Kingdom of God. may that not happen when we weigh justice versus mercy, righteousness versus peace. may that not happen when we need to choose conflict above conformity and counterfeit. may TRUTH be seen through the eye of the Greatest Beholder.

monday sunset story

people say that a picture speaks a thousand words.
i say that which cannot be enshrined in a picture speaks infinitely more.

monday i went for my routine jog on the beach. as i walked over to my car short of breath (not very fit now), a glance at the sunset stopped me in my tracks. there was a gravitational pull beckoning me to enjoy it, to just soak in the view and not rush off. i turned back and found a spot under a little tree and leaned back, my face toward the horizon. it has always made a deep impression on me something my dad said many years ago. "you don't get good sunsets with clear skies." funny how naturally some of us think clear skies = nice weather = good sunset. well, at least i did. i stared at the sun slowly being absorbed into the spotclouds of white and gray surrounding it, as if they're hiding the fact that the sun's sinking into the sea. but oh, it was so glorious! anyone would've gasped! sunrays bounced off in brightly glaring orange turning everything that catches its glow into spectacular orangy-yellow hues. the remaining sunrays either reflected off of some spotclouds or penetrated through them, the effect was magnificent. streaks of gray merged with graduated tones of orange streaks across the blue-white sky, and like many times over in the past, i smiled in agreement to my dad's statement but with tears in my eyes.

the most beautiful sunset may well be one speckled with gray clouds all over, and still shines gloriously bright.

a million thoughts flooded into my heart. a gazillion questions.

conversation took place as i let the questions flow incessantly, things i couldn't understand, feelings i couldn't describe. what matters most to You, God? Your thoughts, Your theology? Your child's heart? a life lived in fullness? does that mean a life with no clouds, no mistakes, no gray? like a sunset with no clouds...what beauty is there? perhaps never having to overcome trials or obstacles, is that fullness? never needing to penetrate through clouds, like the evanescence of dreams, like the sun fading quietly into the horizon? what's glorious for my life, clear skies or spotclouds all over? is it always doing what's right or wrong? never creating a cloud? how does one live fully from the heart that God created, but not feel constricted with tension when mind and heart doesn't correspond? how is a journey of faith one of a heart fully come alive yet not going out of bounds at times? dare i come fully alive? dare i know what You really want for me?

trust Your heart, I'm with you.
Your heart will know what to do.
but if my mind says no? Lord, say something.

and God whispered to me...i swallowed them all down and wiped my eyes.

when the sunset was gone, i left for home. think i'm glad i didn't have a camera to immortalize the scene, because "that which cannot be enshrined in a picture speaks infinitely more"...

let God.

the worst could yet happen
and the day's not over
still it gets darker
and i run for cover
not finding much
but losing all
so i let go

can't see sense in everything
what i do understand is sacrifice
there is no 'suffice'
there's many more tries
the choice may crush
i'll risk, maybe fall
but i'll let God.


kinda cheesy? i know. just off the top of my head...does say it all, how i'm feeling today.

there was a struggle to choose, and i chose. even if no one may fully understand, i know it was done in love. so with all the pain in my chest, i say 'no regrets'. and i'll swallow it down and take it with a smile, because the best choice is always that one you chose which totally denies your SELF - crucified.

'ginosko' denotes understanding beyond just plain knowledge. to learn to know, to come to know, feel, to be aware of. today i reflected on that choice, and i feel the repercussions like a knife lodged into my heart (and pressed in further, still). but i know i chose right. doesn't need to feel right.

repairing the repairer

repairing the repairer, towing the tower.

no, it's not a new saying. but it can be :) on my way to kyrugma office today, i saw one of the most eye-catching sights: a broken down tow-truck at the side of the road, being repaired and fixed onto another tow-truck. i know i should have more compassion, but it IS something i have never seen before - a towtruck getting ready to be towed!

immediately i felt God bring to my mind that sometimes we overlook the reality of us who 'repair' others can also be in need of repair. for this, i mean specifically God's church. it will take a breakdown or a ceasing of progress for us to see we have not moved as the church should move. when the tow-truck isn't functioning, it then has to rely on another of its kind. many of us need the humility to admit that at times what we're doing just isn't working anymore, that we need another who is in working order to get us out of the rut. i thought of pastors who have long run out of steam but don't recognize their need. i thought of us servants of God who are in danger of total failure because we are reluctant to revamp and reoil our engines (in the manner of speaking, since we're talking about vehicles here) - be it personal life or Body life. why? maybe change frightens us. but it's either regress or progress. and the church as we know it is regressing.

everybody needs towing sometimes, even the tower. and for many things in life, if you're not willing to see it and drive-in voluntarily for maintenance, then sooner or later you will have to face the reality, you are either in a dire condition or going to just dwindle to nothing. it's an eventual thing.

and so as i reflected it was a reassurance, like God is saying to me this is a time of repairing, of renovating, of revamping. you will see the new things i am doing, and you have felt its approaching. it's time to be towed and shown the way by those i have brought onto your path to shed some light and prepare you for the greater journey ahead, that you can move ahead with renewed purpose and energy and bringing change even afterwards and gather the people with strength of conviction and clarity of vision.

personally, it is time for me to come to a complete halt and allow God to tow me (pardon the pun). sure been a long time coming, but earlier timing wasn't right - now it is.

Pass through, pass through the gates!
Prepare the way for the people.
Build up, build up the highway!
Remove the stones.
Raise a banner for the nations.
~ Isaiah 62:10 (a word from elizabeth after last Sat's EC)

sometimes...
unless you take a drastic step, you may stay status quo for always.
unless you shake out of your box, you may be stuck in your perspective.
so get towed!

know what you pray for.

Calvin: Know what I pray for?

Hobbes: What?

Calvin: The strength to change what I can, the inability to accept what I can't, and the incapacity to tell the difference.

i've read this many times, and i still find it funny! why?

funny how sometimes in our communication with God we reveal more of our own hearts than we realize, instead of allowing Him to reveal His.

funny how we say our loud 'amen's now and then when someone prays while not soberly coming to terms with the essence of what we're agreeing to so mechanically.

funny how for the most parts of our nicely-strung prayers (when we attempt to maintain correctness in all our theology and doctrines of praying 'right'), we still tend to slot in a couple of 'but's and ask God to bless us more than beating our own hearts to beat His and bending our will to His.

funny how we struggle to be so objective and 'holy' in placing our requests before God knowing full well that our words may not echo the whispers of our inner being nor reflect truly the desires of our hearts.

what you pray must be from the heart, "...for you look deep within the mind and heart, O righteous God."

though the bible says, "but my people would not listen to me. they kept doing whatever they wanted, following the stubborn desires of their evil hearts. they went backward instead of forward." and "for from within, out of a person's heart, come evil thoughts...", i believe still that the heart of prayer is to pray from the heart.

praying God's will is the aim. but prayer is also a journey of the heart and learning to lean towards God's will. an alignment of our will with His, a convergence of heaven on earth. so it's a process, and you gotta start with what's dearest on your heart, what's closest to your dreams. "...and he will give you the desires of your heart" suggests that coming before Him is an act of FIRST loving on Jesus before any thing/one else, and allow Him to bring you through a process of refining and aligning...and as your heart is poured out, you are then free to obey what God will say and to ask His will be done.

"guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life." ~ Prov 4:23

Lord, let me hide your word in my heart, that i might not sin against you.

I lie in the dust; revive me by your word.
I told you my plans, and you answered. Now teach me your
decrees.
Help me understand the meaning of your commandments, and I will meditate
on your wonderful deeds.
I weep with sorrow; encourage me by your word.
Keep me from lying to myself; give me the privilege of knowing your
instructions.
I have chosen to be faithful; I have determined to live by your
regulations.
I cling to your laws. Lord, don’t let me be put to shame!
I will pursue your commands, for you expand my understanding.

psalm 119:25-32

between us and God, let it be with all our heart and with all our soul and with all our mind and with all our strength.

His Body. whose body?

the last supper.

"a substantial meal with a symbolic meaning, not a symbolic meal with a substantial meaning." ~ HTCTW by Wolfgang Simson

have u ever noticed the pattern of the bridge to 'Hosanna' by Hillsong?

heal my heart and make it clean,
open up my eyes to the things unseen,
show me how to love like You have loved me.
break my heart for what breaks Yours,
everything i am for Your Kingdom's cause,
as i go from earth into eternity...

i see the pattern of a disciple. from first being saved on toward the fullness of that salvation. the journey of faith unto death.

my God broke His body for His Body. and i am a part of it. He was broken for me. and i walk with Him hearing His heart break for His Body, that should contain all of His love and grace and faith, to release truth and freedom - so that His Kingdom be done on earth as it is in heaven. but we the Body forget, and lose sight of the substantial meaning of the cross, and the last supper. and i pray, "break my heart for what breaks Yours, Lord. that Your brokenness becomes my brokenness."

it will take a lifetime to mean it.

as i go from earth into eternity...

just thinking.

i think i think too much.
hmm...
i think i think i think too much.

maybe...i think too much LATELY? but, not really.
*blink*
yeah, i think too much.


my reflections today (actually some are EVERYday!):

1) "Since the New Testament times, there is no such thing as "a house of God"...the Church is the people of God. The Church, therefore, was and is at home where people are at home: in ordinary houses." - excerpt from "Houses That Change the World", one of those duh yet profound statements that can easily sound controversial
2) our young people are being brought up in churchy-culture with all the hype in its form minus the holistic-ness in its power. what is new wineskin in our malaysian context?
3) we seem to be robbing people of the joy of being baptized into God's family through the imposing of preparation procedures that at times are rigid and unnecessary, class after class and book after book
4) i really should unpack my stuff from those boxes in my bedroom since the flooring's been redone
5) there's nothing that can be no. 1 in my life most assuredly besides Christ, He's got to be the centre of everything...don't get distracted, don't get discouraged...
6) i have less than two months to do the impossible - God, HELLLPPP! decisions, decisions...
7) gotta pray through about "a new sound of worship arising from KK, a new beat, a new song, young people beginning to worship God with a new sound from heaven...", make it happen, Lord... eklektos camp would be a good place to see You answer this prayer..we pray so.
8) keep telling the youth, "don't bring your friends to church, first know that you are bringing church TO them." - simple paradigm shift, but makes a big difference.
9) i need to finish that wolfgang simson book within a week...gotta read, read, read! *yawn*
10) why doesn't Gardenia distribute banana walnut bread in KK if they do in Singapore? why?!?!? i'm hungry.

off i go to read! and think some more.

(what!? and you don't think so many thoughts everyday?)

cause and effect, ultimately.

bourne ultimatum was an awesome tri-quel to the bourne series. (does "tri-quel' exist? i don't care, you know what i mean)

ingenius. the choreography, the cinematic sequences, the cast, the set, everything. of course, if you never watched Bidentity and Bsupremacy, then this might be kinda over your head for you (only if you're not a seasoned movie-goer!). but really, very impressive piece of film! enjoyed every moment of it. came out of the movie in awe.

toward the end of the 1hr and 51mins, i was filled with sympathy for matt damon's character Jason Bourne. he spent three years of his life running, hard. trying to find out his past that seemingly was wiped out. but in this tri-quel, he found his closure, and it wasn't what he was expecting at all. (spoiler warning!) jason bourne was previously david webb. meeting the doctor who oversaw his whole training program that erased webb and thus created bourne, the truth hit home. "we didn't choose you, jason. you chose us...you walked in that day, and you volunteered for the program." bourne/webb was confused. all this while he thought it was all done TO him, without his consent. it was others to be blamed. "you can't undo the path you chose." he was stunned.

i think in many ways it challenges me to think about cause and effect. we all like to think of grace and mercy, especially because we do believe that no person however careful can ever be sin-free enough to avoid condemnation. nobody's perfect, right? hey! grace, anyone? yes please! our God is a God of amazing grace, isn't He? yes, He is. but what happens to us when consequences of our choices catch up with us at some point of our lives, perhaps years after that point of decision? how does God look at me?

the world teaches me cause and effect. God does too. the bible talks about reaping what you sow. you sow good, you reap good. you sow bad, go figure. cause and effect. but sometimes, with all good intentions, i don't always sow good. unconsciously or consciously, no matter - i don't feign ignorance every time. i CAN'T. does God hold everything against me? i'd like to think not. He wipes my slate clean and helps me start afresh. He removes my transgressions from me and cleans me white as snow. true repentance leads me to experience the TOTAL reality of his grace and the kindness of his love. mercy is available for me, despite my wrong choices. i can't undo the path i chose. that's true. but God can, and that's truer.

so, does that mean i can throw caution to the wind, and hope all consequences are buried? will there still be consequences of sin, even after repentance? in some cases, i believe so. that's where restitution comes in. should there be consequences that one must live with for the rest of one's life, God gives grace to endure it to the end. He wouldn't hold nothing against you any more, but He'd allow it to stay with you - a life lesson (to teach others, too). should God see it right that one be fully released from that consequence, however, that's also grace.

bourne got a new lease of life at the end of the movie. i don't know abt a 4th bourne movie, but he lived. he didn't get a chance to turn back the clock or undo that decision which changed his whole life, but after going back to meet that doctor and coming to terms with his past, the closure must have meant a lot. it would fuel his tenacity to face his future thereon.

many of us make choices that have consequences which could stay with us our whole lives. we can only find strength to face our future because His mercies are new every morning, His rod and His staff comforts us, and He sees us as His prodigals come home.

the difference

there's a difference when one becomes keenly aware of the spiritual realm. understanding that which is not seen with the physical eyes takes one's worldview a level up. or should i say, a layer deeper. a dimension richer. a lot of people put everything they have into tangible, quantitative 'stuff'. you know, like the cliche about temporal versus eternal investments. i know i used to, and often times still do. nothing wrong with that, though, don't get me wrong. one cannot ignore what is before one's own eyes. what we do see is somewhat important. it's supernatural, however, when you know to read what corresponds in the spiritual that is manifested in the physical.

my life took a turn when i began to observe there are those who live as if their whole beings were just body and soul. and then there are those who know their spirits are just as real, if not more. spooky? not really. see how many people are now jumping on the bandwagon of spirituality. take a look at the growing market of all things spiritual...don't have me go into details now. now still, i keep observing.

for a couple of years now i clearly remember what one pastor taught me. pastor benny ho once shared 3 emphases which i took seriously as i then analyzed how these 3 fit into my understanding of young people: this generation are to be (1) sacrificial in lifestyle; (2) strategic in decision-making; (3) strong in spirit. and i know they are! i love being a part of young people experiencing God. their lives never the same again. when filled with the Spirit of God, they're powerhouses...you can't go mild and gentle. undiluted message of the gospel. radical challenge of the cross. extreme change in values. i feel it in my bones...i see them pray, i pray with them. doesn't matter what the world say, dismal as statistics can look, young people becoming keenly aware of God's Spirit - that's what i'm talking about!

last Sat the presence of God was so strong during a worship time with my youth. it was awe-some...i just watched them soak in the understanding that God loves them. the Spirit of God moved many to just kneel down low, some began to weep, 'cause they were tuned in...tuned in as the Holy Spirit spoke to them. you don't even need to do anything, they just tarried. i asked God, 'anything you want me to do, like lead them in prayer or something?' He just said 'wait'. so i waited. the worship got deeper and the atmosphere started to lift. you can just sense the youth entering into an even deeper realm of the presence of God. when i felt it was time, i took on the mike and released a word. the receptivity is so different. the difference between skin-deep and breakthrough worship.

it's a season of renewal and breakthrough. worship cannot be mild and gentle no more. we need to be people who are keenly aware of what God is saying all the time. to live and move and have our very being - body, soul, spirit - in Him alone. can't afford any other way. undiluted, concentrated dose of the message of the cross...i now pray everyday for the passion to live radical, i need it from God Himself. don't wanna be anything less than that.

what kind of leaders does this generation need? a different kind. sacrificial in lifestyle, strategic in decision-making and strong in spirit. Lord, help me be so. hit me with contrition and discontentment every single day, every week, every month, every year until i see breakthrough after breakthrough in this generation. first in me.

see how they grow!

taken July 27th

Aug 23rd

Sept 26th

you're gettin smilierrrrr, matt :)

see how they grow, babies!!! u're seeing tim and wini's beloved lil' tike! my godson (uh huh!) - God help me! but i think tim and wini are doing a marvelous job at bringing him up so far, he's got his own blog, yo ;) http://www.matthewprescott.blogspot.com/ don't say i didn't warn ya tho, he's one smily hunk...

hmm.....wini, teach me how u can smell matt even when he's not with u! *grin* i AM kind of far...

yesterday i locked myself up in my bedroom and just soaked in solitary time with God. was tempting to grab somethg to eat occasionally or just go out of my room for a walk but no! i'm not leaving until i'm filled...i refuse to let go until you show me your glory. as the hours went by, in a way i was getting filled, yet at the same time felt desperate for more...like it wasn't ever gonna be enough. i am in awe of how john wesley and other revivalists in the likes of him just exude God's glory...God, i wanna be that on fire for you and willing to passere for you, even unto death...that these days as i seek You, hungry for a cause to die for, revive my heart and reform my world God, because since 1999 when i gave my life to you, if i ever stop living for you then my life means nothing. revive my heart God with a fire for you that consumes me and all that i am in you...i don't wanna be passionate abt anythg else as much as i wanna be for you...

i find such an intellectual and spiritual stimulation (not that intellectual isn't spiritual!) in studying the characters that made history over the ages leading to christianity today. of late, the testimonies of revivalists, particularly, capture my heart and takes me to another level of hunger. i begin now to see how martyrdom is inevitable when these heroes of our faith had such faith in God and conviction that 'to live is Christ, and to die is gain'. that john knox can say with a fire in his belly, 'God, give me Scotland or i die!!!' in a way, not to make it seem trivial or easy, but when these heroes truly took up their cross and followed in their savior's footsteps, the choice to live and ultimately die for the Cause isn't much of a dilemma. and the list of heroes goes on...of course i'm not doing a full course on Church History and all that YET, but i'm looking forward to that. and in the meantime, digesting in my times with God asking Him to give me that same fire. all i know is, if i don't take up my cross, there seems little meaning in living. but yeah yeah, skeptically we all say 'easier said than done, janice!' mmm, passere.

then this morning God led me to psalm 42. i started just singing a song off the top of my head, playing my woodbone...very interesting how king david writes his poetry. i'm reminded of the prophetic prayers uttered abt kk being a worship centre and new sounds will begin to rise up to heaven and a new beat resound in our state of sabah. so i claimed that again and began writing my lyrics down...maybe it'll be sung one day *shrug* well, at least i will sing it lar...

THAT is revival.

no, no! revival??
i don't mean these pictures.
what's going on??
i don't know.
SS! (LtoR: rachel, evan, me)
evan, how's cambs treatin u?

last week, God showed me somethin wow-worthy. while i was just spendin time playin my woodbone (that would be my guitar if u're wonderin) and the passage 2 kings 19 dropped into my mind. didn't recall what its contents were, so i flipped open my bible and read.

i began to be amazed at king hezekiah's story of victory against sennacherib of assyria and his prayer for his countrymen. the messenger of king sennacherib sent a msg sayin somethin to the effect of 'you israelites are going DOWN!'. ooh, scaaawwy!but king hezekiah prayed. then prophet isaiah sent a message from the Lord to say 'the Lord has heard your prayer...' and that was it. sealed, the deed's done and the battle won. God always wants His ppl to win, yet with His promises comes the condition - 2 chronicles 7:14. it's not so much 'the harder you pray, the better the outcome' because then our focus would always be on how our prayers will be answered (which means we only pray so we can get) - rather, KNOWING well that God promises victory and all that, we still come to Him - we still pray, because there's no other way (ooh, it rhymes!)

utterly broken, totally dependent.
sore on our knees but strong in faith.

that we may pray so we know Him deeply, and our focus would always be on 'Lord, i'm here to ask of You. and to claim Your promise.' and that in itself IS revival in the making. then God spoke to me and said, 'you wanna see revival? being in love in My presence and asking of Me, that IS revival.' gather with those of the same heart and pray, THAT is revival.

king hezekiah prayed not out of doubt. he knew God promised deliverance. he prayed to PARTNER with God's promise, not twist God's arm. imagine his joy and faith-lift when the victory DID come and the enemy killed. if he didn't pray, what's there to rejoice abt? 'oh wow, God! i didn't expect that...but, thanks anyway!' it's different though, when you DO pray. 'oh wow, God! we're been hearing You say so, and praying abt it...and now we see it!'

expectation. passion. tenacity.

then as i pondered, psalm 33 came to mind too.

"No king is saved by the size of his army; no warrior escapes by his great strength. A horse is a vain hope for deliverance; despite all its great strength it cannot save. But the eyes of the LORD are on those who fear him, on those whose hope is in his unfailing love, to deliver them from death and keep them alive in famine."

this is the season of being so immersed in His love and glory.

I WAR FOR YOU, I WAR THROUGH YOU

con·tend
(kən-tĕnd')

verb

1. To strive in opposition: battle, combat, duel, fight, struggle, tilt, war, wrestle.
2. To strive against (others) for victory: compete, contest, emulate, rival, vie.
3. To put forth reasons for or against something, often excitedly: argue, debate, dispute, moot.
4. To engage in a quarrel: argue, bicker, dispute, fight, quarrel, quibble, spat, squabble, tiff, wrangle. Informal hassle, tangle. Idioms: cross swords, have it out, have words, lock horns.
5. To put into words positively and with conviction: affirm, allege, argue, assert, asseverate, aver, avouch, avow, claim, declare, hold, maintain, say, state. Idioms: have it.

Antonyms: cede, give in, give up, surrender, abandon, desert, give up, leave, retreat

"For in this season of turmoil, do not fear! Lean back on My power, My All-Sufficient Power. For I am not unaware of your troubles or the assails of the enemy. I have seen his foolishness in thinking he can persuade you to give in. This is only a season for the perfecting of My faith in YOU. I have conquered what you are facing already. I AM WITH YOU, I AM IN YOU. I WAR FOR YOU, I WAR THROUGH YOU. Let My faith be released agains your enemy. He fears Me and therefore he fears you..."

[http://www.elijahlist.com/words/display_word/5696]


i will contend.
i won't give in, Lord. i will contend.
devil, you lose.

ekklesia

ever thought of whipping up some spectacular dish that people can only dream about and salivate after, if only you could just know the perfect measurements of each ingredient and whip it up in the kitchen (without a recipe)?

ever had a strong desire to sketch an image you've got impressed on your heart and mind, like you can almost 'see' it in your mind's eye, if only you know how to eloquently portray it with your brush and canvas?

God's been breaking mindsets for me. and there's a growing discontent inside of me of what church looks like. of what new testament church looks like. i find no satisfactory 'definition', yet on the other hand am seeing church through a NEW pair of eyes, getting this itch in my hands and feet to grab that brush and start drawing out my take on acts 2:42-47.

Church: In the New Testament, the ekklesia. In the Bible, this has no reference whatever to buildings or organizations but to the called-out assembly, the covenant people of God. In the overwhelming number of cases, the church or ekklesia of both the Old and New Testaments is the visible covenant community in a particular locale or region. Under the authority of elders (godly heads of households), it unites on the first day of the week to hear the preaching of the Word, to receive the sacraments, and to preserve and perpetuate the Christian Faith. The church is one aspect of the kingdom of God, but it is not the kingdom itself. (from www.reformationonline.com/glossary.htm)

that's such a lacking definition. yet makes me think.

definitely we all agree church isn't a building. then what?! put simply, a gathering of disciples committed to Christ and His commands - right? but what does it LOOK like? God, show me!

can't word it. but i try, these days i'm so hungry for a re-definition.
to unlearn and relearn.
to throw off and put on.
to discard and discover.
there's gotta be more to church life than meets my eye...

communion aka the last supper.
sharing of belongings.
apostolic covering.
prophetic utterances.
signs and wonders.
spirit-filled teaching.
lifechanging lifechangers multiplying uncontainably.
baptism anytime and everywhere!
visions and dreams - joel 2
"thousands were added to their numbers daily."

imagine with me. gatherings of any number of believers of any indigenous grouping scattered all over, saturating a whole city/village/nation/university/office/profession/industry/location/tribe/interest group/race ! (been reading different stuff, one of them mindset-breakers is The Blueprint by Jaeson Ma) an example would be a gathering of a group of college students passionate about theatre and dance in which from one who turned to Christ, the whole group got saved, and together they started BECOMING church. these ppl may never fit into a traditional 'church' as we know it, but they're a church! these saints need ephesians 4:12 and 1 peter 2:9 - RIGHT WHERE THEY ARE. those of us who came from a more traditional type of church now call ourselves the 'charismatic' or 'contemporary' church - but i believe with all my heart that still isn't it. it's still possible that we fall into a rut and limit God's revival more with our way of 'doing church'.

Lord, give me insight and a keen ear. burn onto my heart a vision of acts that overtakes my whole being and turns my world upside-down so that you can use me to turn others' world upside-down. imprint a passion in my spirit to be wholely yours so you can sketch for generations to come with my life as your brush.
show me what i feel you're showing me.
let me see what i think i'm seeing.
help me be who i know you want me to be.

kimchi, kamsa, kal-bi

here we go! midnight flight, ETA at incheon international airport 7:50am. it was the deadest flight i've been on, everyone sunk into their chairs deep in sleep, but i didn't sleep too well. and i think it showed when we arrived, haha! we were immediately brought to calvary church for 2 services, and treated to a full course korean meal - nobody complained.

the next morning, after a hearty breakfast and a whole lot of caffeine, went straight on up to canaan farmers' school for 2 days of training and tour of nearby farming villages.

our visit coincided with a whole bunch of teenagers there for 3days-2nights. the writing on the wall behind me in the canteen is their pre-meal motto: "thank God for this food. we don't live to eat, we eat to live. if you don't work, you don't eat. a meal equals 4 hours' worth of work." and they say punishment awaits those who are found with even ONE grain of rice left on the plate. that's easy! i always finish my rice (well, 99% of the time)

that night, principal bum-il kim blew on his 20_yr old trumpet. the sound was deafening, and i don't mean in the physical sense. i've never met a more inspiring senior person. we hear of such heroes often, but to meet one! he's amazing, reminds me of caleb in numbers. the view outside of aster and my room the next morning - like mt K :) nice fog.

brought around the school site. what's this? funeral plots. philosophy: why occupy so much space for your grave? live your life well, tend to God's creation responsibly when you're alive. your grave doesn't need to be huge. size of korean traditional grave vs. what you see in my pic, the ratio is 1:12. we then prayed for korea and malaysia up on that mountain.

down from the mountain. myung sung church visit. hosts brought us to have GINSENG CHICKEN! my fave meal throughout this whole trip. one whole chicken for each person, stuffed with sweet rice inside. yummy!! then, the next morning, their early morning prayer service no. 2 (they had 5 prayer services a day!) - thousands of faihtful christians. the pic shows their choir made up of their young adults and youth. church of 100-yrs history (from pyongyang revival), they even have their own museum.

we had ONE free day. well, 'free'. korean folk village was an awesome idea! cool place to explore. BUT rained the whole time we were there, that's the down side. LOTS of laughter too! our whole team went crazy!! traditional korean houses, farming techniques, clothing, school, execution tools (aka killing instruments) - cooOool.

kal-bi (barbecued beef) - eat, eat, eat! bittersweet = the euphoria of heavenly tasting food with the terror of unending supply. we had too much to eat. after finishing what i'm TOTALLY sure was a whole COW, they asked us whether we'd like our main course to be noodle or rice. i almost fainted from overeating! still sure my stomache was ROUND that afternoon!

so i know the danger of sticking some body part out of a moving car, but awwww! just LOOK at that beautiful scene! never has traffic jam looked this beautiful...the sunset was breathtaking, my most heartfelt moment of seoul's cityscape :)

downtown. the dinner that wasn't a dinner for me - ate 2 cheeseballs and stopped. important korean phrase: 'me wo yo!' translation? SPICYYY!! (will later scout for edible NON-mewoyo food). upside was hip live performance, no wonder young people hang out here a lot.

the hosts brought us to seoul tower, a 300++m high building overlooking the whole metro in all its evening glory. overwhelmed by their hospitality! some of them hosts have never even been there themselves. costed around RM37 per person for the elevator ride, but well worth it. my panorama pic didn't turn out perfect - but at least i can say I'VE BEEN THERE!

near the hotel we stayed at for the final 3 days. took random shots, and found a nice seaweed roll stall - foooOOood! so i was hungry, can u blame me?! at least this wasn't mewoyo!

later took more random shots from hotel room, streets were clearing out, it was 1am. the whole street was great to tour around, i'd wanna go back there. off to bed, off to bed!

aah! the merchandise. bought gifts, gifts, and more gifts...i must say this is one trip on which i spent very little money. bought so little stuff for myself, i suppose it's good :) combination of aster and my merchandise. hmm, travel tip? buy kim (seaweed) when u go to korea. and ginseng, and green tea, bamboo salt, and cute tiny stuff that says 'made in korea' - lol!

had 'church growth seminar' with several speakers, e.g. dr joshua jong. insightful. then? eat lo, what else! the one standing up in the right-hand picture is prof. younglae kim. that would be my fave session.

youth hang-out place in anyang-jeil church's vision centre. also cafe, library, etc. later joined their evening prayer service, congregation was lively and responsive. most memorable characteristic of korean churches? they respond to speaker/preacher with loud, unanimous and faith-filled 'amen!', very impressive. happens often so if u fell asleep, you'd wake up and nod to agree with their amens. what?! no, i didn't do that...i just said IF u fell asleep *grin*

it's time to leave, last group photo. final one: me and my senior pastor-mentor-spiritual father, rev lee. half a korean, hehe.

i seldom like to post abt just events without my reflections. but from this trip i carried back so much, the funny and fun stuff aside. so much that i'm still reflecting through what i learnt, and want to better understand what God is saying these past few months and put together a bigger picture. that post wont be today :) so...

anyong.
(shalom in korean)

3lbs and one day of boredom

it's amazing how entertaining tv can be for those long-deprived of mindless channel-surfing, yippee! back in kk from seoul since sat evening, fell sick since then. so all of a sudden, i found myself capable of feeling bored :D it's different, 'cause when i've got free time, i always say 'there's always something you can occupy yourself with, boredom need not happen.' but when you're sick and dizzy, reading isn't an option, nor is calisthenics, nor sms-ing. so, what? tv lo.

so, watched 3lbs on monday. count 1, 2, yes two days ago. it's a good show, love these stuff abt neuro brain surgery. and God spoke to me abt handling people with the right focus in mind, when every decision is critical for the patient. too long a lesson to relate here. grab my journal and read it, not! i wanna post abt my trip to korea though, so wait on, coming up soon.

to mary or to martha?

you can never hear too many times of the reminder to just chill and not get swept up by the tidal waves of meetings and appointments and to-dos and urgent matters, etc.

hmm. to mary or to martha --- that is the question.
"there are more important things than mowing the lawn." today i read in ODB.

simultaneously, there are multiple projects and tasks to look into (as in, ALL at ONE time!!!). i COUNTED! there are mucho events-o going on right now! i'm reeling in the tide! too much at once, maybe. diverse, each different and seemingly significant in their own way. but one thing in common? they all have to do with PEOPLE.

lesson? it's never too early to learn that communication skills is an asset to ANY individual. i look back to 2001, and recall when i first graduated and stepped into my first job til now, it's been seven years. boy, was i wet behind the ears! talk about green. i was a freshie, and given so much room to make mistakes. now being a youth leader of sorts (interpret that however way you wish), i think i've formed at least ONE conclusion: people are not always fun. or should i say, dealing with people are not always fun. 'busyness' doesn't kill you, 'people' do.

so what in the world am i rambling on abt here?
martha without mary makes me heartless.
mary without martha makes me fruitless.

"there are more important things than mowing the lawn" isn't a very useful tip, UNLESS you know how to define what is considered as 'mowing the lawn' in your list of priorities. your lawn, my lawn, everybody's lawn? nobody's lawn?

"martha, martha, you are caught up with many things. mary has chosen the one thing."

many things are important, only some things are needful.
some things are needful, only ONE thing is indispensable.

so where your lawn's boundaries lie, which part of the lawn isn't yours - that's what you need to know. and while you're figuring that out, you need GOOD communication skills to tell PEOPLE what you think and say NO when you should.

aaaahhhhh!!!

here.

an update.

*grin*


aiyooo...

random pics from my hp

when my sis and i took a lil' trip to singapore, we got to know of a jazz by the sea thingy on sentosa island, best thing? free? it was neat.





yep, that's my boss with his wife, both NOT technologically-challenged, mind u! dun play-play...very techie one...

me, vun hau and steffi - one of those 'ooh, let's take a picture!' moments :) we were all in cool white & blue...two awesome student youth ldrs. and yes, that's my ever-ready mum behind steffi! poser.



no, it's NOT all urs, alvin. sharing is caring, remember? who's this guy?? another awesome youth ldr...mr. volunteer staff & intern of the year! also mr psycho, watch out when he's staring at u... God knows what's he thinking, probably analysing you to bits. HELP! he's making animal sounds sitting next to me...