changes?!?

"be the change you want to see in the world."
mahatma gandhi said this.

past few days been praying for a mighty wind of change, for God to move what men (and women) so far have not been able to. just got back from a, shall i say, intensely disturbing and interestingly boring few-days' camp. will not divulge much info here, but for sure it was one freaking tiring camp simply from the weight of decisions being made there. these are deciding factors in many ways for a future so linked with my own (whether i like it or not), in more ways than i'd like to acknowledge. SO worn-out by now, just glad i made it home! plus, the amount of hakka spoken throughout the whole ordeal gave me a splitting headache i hadn't had for a long time.
am i glad i went? sure.

aside from the buzz of teatime talks, i spent the freetimes thinking by myself just short of seeming anti-social. and as i reflected (coupled with some serious people-watching!) at the camp, it reinforced the fact that one can devote one's whole life to effect change. some social issue. or a cause concerning justice. people do it all the time. suicide bombers, we say, are 'emulate-able' because they're not afraid to die for what they believe in. like Lions for Lambs, "what will you STAND for? what will you FIGHT for? what will you LIVE for? what will you DIE for?" but TRUTH, much like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder. there are those who choose to do something when something needs to be done, but sometimes some of these martyrs choose a 'wrong' cause. or rather, they're blind and cannot see what they hold on to may be wrong.

there are so many people, GOOD people, who truly use up decades of their lives serving some system or government or organization or idea of a better world - and we ask ourselves, "do they know there's a better way? do they know there's a whole different view out there? do they realize their inability to SEE?"

with the wariness i felt, it made me unable to fully immerse myself in the post-camp conversation going on with my team, which expressed their enthusiastic hope that with these decisions newly in place from this camp there will be some long-awaited positive changes, FINALLY. inside i pray silently in my heart, "God, i ask that i would always ONLY fight for the cause that You want me to. i don't wanna hold firm to ideals that are not in line with Your will...these who seem so 'blind' yet so fully believe their views are right, how it frustrates me that they cannot see! but Lord, ensure i am not blind myself! here we try to effect change so that they would see these new decisions will bring good. Lord, may i not find myself in those same shoes ever --- thinking i'm being the change i want to see in the world, yet not SEEing my views could be wrong, or 'more right'."

it frightens me to imagine any of us can stand/fight/live/die for change we want to see but be blind to TRUTH. may that not happen when we endeavor to devote our lives for the Kingdom of God. may that not happen when we weigh justice versus mercy, righteousness versus peace. may that not happen when we need to choose conflict above conformity and counterfeit. may TRUTH be seen through the eye of the Greatest Beholder.

monday sunset story

people say that a picture speaks a thousand words.
i say that which cannot be enshrined in a picture speaks infinitely more.

monday i went for my routine jog on the beach. as i walked over to my car short of breath (not very fit now), a glance at the sunset stopped me in my tracks. there was a gravitational pull beckoning me to enjoy it, to just soak in the view and not rush off. i turned back and found a spot under a little tree and leaned back, my face toward the horizon. it has always made a deep impression on me something my dad said many years ago. "you don't get good sunsets with clear skies." funny how naturally some of us think clear skies = nice weather = good sunset. well, at least i did. i stared at the sun slowly being absorbed into the spotclouds of white and gray surrounding it, as if they're hiding the fact that the sun's sinking into the sea. but oh, it was so glorious! anyone would've gasped! sunrays bounced off in brightly glaring orange turning everything that catches its glow into spectacular orangy-yellow hues. the remaining sunrays either reflected off of some spotclouds or penetrated through them, the effect was magnificent. streaks of gray merged with graduated tones of orange streaks across the blue-white sky, and like many times over in the past, i smiled in agreement to my dad's statement but with tears in my eyes.

the most beautiful sunset may well be one speckled with gray clouds all over, and still shines gloriously bright.

a million thoughts flooded into my heart. a gazillion questions.

conversation took place as i let the questions flow incessantly, things i couldn't understand, feelings i couldn't describe. what matters most to You, God? Your thoughts, Your theology? Your child's heart? a life lived in fullness? does that mean a life with no clouds, no mistakes, no gray? like a sunset with no clouds...what beauty is there? perhaps never having to overcome trials or obstacles, is that fullness? never needing to penetrate through clouds, like the evanescence of dreams, like the sun fading quietly into the horizon? what's glorious for my life, clear skies or spotclouds all over? is it always doing what's right or wrong? never creating a cloud? how does one live fully from the heart that God created, but not feel constricted with tension when mind and heart doesn't correspond? how is a journey of faith one of a heart fully come alive yet not going out of bounds at times? dare i come fully alive? dare i know what You really want for me?

trust Your heart, I'm with you.
Your heart will know what to do.
but if my mind says no? Lord, say something.

and God whispered to me...i swallowed them all down and wiped my eyes.

when the sunset was gone, i left for home. think i'm glad i didn't have a camera to immortalize the scene, because "that which cannot be enshrined in a picture speaks infinitely more"...

let God.

the worst could yet happen
and the day's not over
still it gets darker
and i run for cover
not finding much
but losing all
so i let go

can't see sense in everything
what i do understand is sacrifice
there is no 'suffice'
there's many more tries
the choice may crush
i'll risk, maybe fall
but i'll let God.


kinda cheesy? i know. just off the top of my head...does say it all, how i'm feeling today.

there was a struggle to choose, and i chose. even if no one may fully understand, i know it was done in love. so with all the pain in my chest, i say 'no regrets'. and i'll swallow it down and take it with a smile, because the best choice is always that one you chose which totally denies your SELF - crucified.

'ginosko' denotes understanding beyond just plain knowledge. to learn to know, to come to know, feel, to be aware of. today i reflected on that choice, and i feel the repercussions like a knife lodged into my heart (and pressed in further, still). but i know i chose right. doesn't need to feel right.