It has been a little over a year since I first packed my bags and left home, where I was born and raised all of my 20+years of life. To say that a lot has happened in this one year is to state the obvious. Anyone who has ever 'left home' would attest to that. I cannot begin to describe the depth from which this statement arises. For everyone, I'm sure, time away equals major change...and each of us have our own story.
There are many beliefs I held before that I now still hold with strong conviction. There are, at the same time, too many other beliefs I held before that I now either hold loosely, or have chosen to let go of (until it is time to review it, if ever). I'd like to think that this happens to each of us all the time, but we know there are specific seasons in which this experience is intensified. At times, it happens by one's choice, e.g. a deliberate step to pursue training in a different location. At other times, one finds oneself cornered - we can say - by the Almighty, e.g. sudden illness, or global economic crisis. Of course, the human role cannot be removed from circumstances. and our appropriate response can determine the fruit of life's circumstances.
So, really, as cliché as it sounds - a lot has happened in this one year. It has been one, drawn-out year of His curriculum. It would be premature to articulate lessons learned at this point, as though the learning is near conclusion. I would not dare to attempt that. I suspect, with much sobriety, that the unfolding of His learning objectives for me from this year's curriculum will come only after many years. Maybe a decade or two. That isn't to say there are no pieces of truth now. Like morsels of food. "But you ain't seen nothing yet..." Yes, yes, there is more to come, as long as we're alive! Every day of our lives is a part of our journey of learning life and love, some days feel longer than most. Some seasons are just more intensely introspective, wouldn't you agree? Maybe you understand? It has been one such year, vacillating between "I think I get it" and "What are You trying to say", between "God has been teaching me this" and "That wasn't quite it". No, I ain't seen nothing yet.
Perhaps it is safe to say there are overarching themes of this curriculum that I think I'm beginning to grasp. Not without pain, not without patience (surely not my strength). Moments when silence spoke louder than words, moments when His whispered reply deafened my ears. When I had to lean in to hear, only to discover the amplifier was right behind me.
I was deaf but now I hear?
I was blind, do I now dare see?
Surely I was lost, but now am being found.
Would it be blasphemous to say that I have found everything I held dear to be wanting, that only in discarding what I know, the distance between the attained and the yet-to-be-attained can be eliminated? To say that those who hold too unrelentingly to what they deem absolute to them do not know what truly is absolute for others? To say that everything I used to know I now find I know nothing of? But I rejoice in this 'blasphemous' statement, then, for that is how this year has been; I have been utterly taken apart, exposed, made vulnerable --- and it has been...strangely liberating.
All that to say, it has been one heck of a year. A place of pain and turmoil. But such liberation - in healing, in restoration. Such grace! In having sought to posture myself like Mary and her alabaster jar, a year later I do not emerge any less prostrated. Nor any less depraved. Nor any less ill-reputed. Nor any less despised or weak. Nor any less incapable, in and of myself. If anything, perhaps more desperate than before. Over the days and months, I see, still, the same picture. Mary and her jar, stooping low, doing the unthinkable --- approaching the Master in her shameful disposition with her only possession, at the scorn of her enemies. What was she thinking??? The nerve.
A lot has happened. Janice, what were you thinking? The nerve.
You have no idea, friend. It did not cost me nothing.
As vain as others may deem it, I encountered my Master.
To these, yet, I will cling:
"The Lord is close to those whose hearts have been broken. He saves those whose spirits have been crushed." - Ps 34:18
"I have chosen to be faithful to you. I put my trust in your laws. Lord, I'm careful to obey your covenant laws. Don't let me be put to shame. I am quick to follow your commands, because you have set my heart free." - Psalm 119:30-32
"I will praise the Lord. I won't forget anything he does for me...He satisfies me with the good things I long for. Then I feel young and strong again, just like an eagle." - Psalm 103:2, 5
"Find your delight in the Lord. Then he will give you everything your heart really wants." - Psalm 37:4
"I will thank the Lord at all times. My lips will always praise him.
I will honor the Lord. Let those who are hurting hear and be joyful.
Join me in giving glory to the Lord. Let us honor him together.
I looked to the Lord, and he answered me. He saved me from everything I was afraid of.
Those who look to him beam with joy. They are never put to shame...
The lions may grow weak and hungry. But those who look to the Lord have every good thing they need." - Psalm 34:1-5, 10
You, Lord
You are Lord.
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