repairing the repairer

repairing the repairer, towing the tower.

no, it's not a new saying. but it can be :) on my way to kyrugma office today, i saw one of the most eye-catching sights: a broken down tow-truck at the side of the road, being repaired and fixed onto another tow-truck. i know i should have more compassion, but it IS something i have never seen before - a towtruck getting ready to be towed!

immediately i felt God bring to my mind that sometimes we overlook the reality of us who 'repair' others can also be in need of repair. for this, i mean specifically God's church. it will take a breakdown or a ceasing of progress for us to see we have not moved as the church should move. when the tow-truck isn't functioning, it then has to rely on another of its kind. many of us need the humility to admit that at times what we're doing just isn't working anymore, that we need another who is in working order to get us out of the rut. i thought of pastors who have long run out of steam but don't recognize their need. i thought of us servants of God who are in danger of total failure because we are reluctant to revamp and reoil our engines (in the manner of speaking, since we're talking about vehicles here) - be it personal life or Body life. why? maybe change frightens us. but it's either regress or progress. and the church as we know it is regressing.

everybody needs towing sometimes, even the tower. and for many things in life, if you're not willing to see it and drive-in voluntarily for maintenance, then sooner or later you will have to face the reality, you are either in a dire condition or going to just dwindle to nothing. it's an eventual thing.

and so as i reflected it was a reassurance, like God is saying to me this is a time of repairing, of renovating, of revamping. you will see the new things i am doing, and you have felt its approaching. it's time to be towed and shown the way by those i have brought onto your path to shed some light and prepare you for the greater journey ahead, that you can move ahead with renewed purpose and energy and bringing change even afterwards and gather the people with strength of conviction and clarity of vision.

personally, it is time for me to come to a complete halt and allow God to tow me (pardon the pun). sure been a long time coming, but earlier timing wasn't right - now it is.

Pass through, pass through the gates!
Prepare the way for the people.
Build up, build up the highway!
Remove the stones.
Raise a banner for the nations.
~ Isaiah 62:10 (a word from elizabeth after last Sat's EC)

sometimes...
unless you take a drastic step, you may stay status quo for always.
unless you shake out of your box, you may be stuck in your perspective.
so get towed!

know what you pray for.

Calvin: Know what I pray for?

Hobbes: What?

Calvin: The strength to change what I can, the inability to accept what I can't, and the incapacity to tell the difference.

i've read this many times, and i still find it funny! why?

funny how sometimes in our communication with God we reveal more of our own hearts than we realize, instead of allowing Him to reveal His.

funny how we say our loud 'amen's now and then when someone prays while not soberly coming to terms with the essence of what we're agreeing to so mechanically.

funny how for the most parts of our nicely-strung prayers (when we attempt to maintain correctness in all our theology and doctrines of praying 'right'), we still tend to slot in a couple of 'but's and ask God to bless us more than beating our own hearts to beat His and bending our will to His.

funny how we struggle to be so objective and 'holy' in placing our requests before God knowing full well that our words may not echo the whispers of our inner being nor reflect truly the desires of our hearts.

what you pray must be from the heart, "...for you look deep within the mind and heart, O righteous God."

though the bible says, "but my people would not listen to me. they kept doing whatever they wanted, following the stubborn desires of their evil hearts. they went backward instead of forward." and "for from within, out of a person's heart, come evil thoughts...", i believe still that the heart of prayer is to pray from the heart.

praying God's will is the aim. but prayer is also a journey of the heart and learning to lean towards God's will. an alignment of our will with His, a convergence of heaven on earth. so it's a process, and you gotta start with what's dearest on your heart, what's closest to your dreams. "...and he will give you the desires of your heart" suggests that coming before Him is an act of FIRST loving on Jesus before any thing/one else, and allow Him to bring you through a process of refining and aligning...and as your heart is poured out, you are then free to obey what God will say and to ask His will be done.

"guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life." ~ Prov 4:23

Lord, let me hide your word in my heart, that i might not sin against you.

I lie in the dust; revive me by your word.
I told you my plans, and you answered. Now teach me your
decrees.
Help me understand the meaning of your commandments, and I will meditate
on your wonderful deeds.
I weep with sorrow; encourage me by your word.
Keep me from lying to myself; give me the privilege of knowing your
instructions.
I have chosen to be faithful; I have determined to live by your
regulations.
I cling to your laws. Lord, don’t let me be put to shame!
I will pursue your commands, for you expand my understanding.

psalm 119:25-32

between us and God, let it be with all our heart and with all our soul and with all our mind and with all our strength.

His Body. whose body?

the last supper.

"a substantial meal with a symbolic meaning, not a symbolic meal with a substantial meaning." ~ HTCTW by Wolfgang Simson

have u ever noticed the pattern of the bridge to 'Hosanna' by Hillsong?

heal my heart and make it clean,
open up my eyes to the things unseen,
show me how to love like You have loved me.
break my heart for what breaks Yours,
everything i am for Your Kingdom's cause,
as i go from earth into eternity...

i see the pattern of a disciple. from first being saved on toward the fullness of that salvation. the journey of faith unto death.

my God broke His body for His Body. and i am a part of it. He was broken for me. and i walk with Him hearing His heart break for His Body, that should contain all of His love and grace and faith, to release truth and freedom - so that His Kingdom be done on earth as it is in heaven. but we the Body forget, and lose sight of the substantial meaning of the cross, and the last supper. and i pray, "break my heart for what breaks Yours, Lord. that Your brokenness becomes my brokenness."

it will take a lifetime to mean it.

as i go from earth into eternity...

just thinking.

i think i think too much.
hmm...
i think i think i think too much.

maybe...i think too much LATELY? but, not really.
*blink*
yeah, i think too much.


my reflections today (actually some are EVERYday!):

1) "Since the New Testament times, there is no such thing as "a house of God"...the Church is the people of God. The Church, therefore, was and is at home where people are at home: in ordinary houses." - excerpt from "Houses That Change the World", one of those duh yet profound statements that can easily sound controversial
2) our young people are being brought up in churchy-culture with all the hype in its form minus the holistic-ness in its power. what is new wineskin in our malaysian context?
3) we seem to be robbing people of the joy of being baptized into God's family through the imposing of preparation procedures that at times are rigid and unnecessary, class after class and book after book
4) i really should unpack my stuff from those boxes in my bedroom since the flooring's been redone
5) there's nothing that can be no. 1 in my life most assuredly besides Christ, He's got to be the centre of everything...don't get distracted, don't get discouraged...
6) i have less than two months to do the impossible - God, HELLLPPP! decisions, decisions...
7) gotta pray through about "a new sound of worship arising from KK, a new beat, a new song, young people beginning to worship God with a new sound from heaven...", make it happen, Lord... eklektos camp would be a good place to see You answer this prayer..we pray so.
8) keep telling the youth, "don't bring your friends to church, first know that you are bringing church TO them." - simple paradigm shift, but makes a big difference.
9) i need to finish that wolfgang simson book within a week...gotta read, read, read! *yawn*
10) why doesn't Gardenia distribute banana walnut bread in KK if they do in Singapore? why?!?!? i'm hungry.

off i go to read! and think some more.

(what!? and you don't think so many thoughts everyday?)

cause and effect, ultimately.

bourne ultimatum was an awesome tri-quel to the bourne series. (does "tri-quel' exist? i don't care, you know what i mean)

ingenius. the choreography, the cinematic sequences, the cast, the set, everything. of course, if you never watched Bidentity and Bsupremacy, then this might be kinda over your head for you (only if you're not a seasoned movie-goer!). but really, very impressive piece of film! enjoyed every moment of it. came out of the movie in awe.

toward the end of the 1hr and 51mins, i was filled with sympathy for matt damon's character Jason Bourne. he spent three years of his life running, hard. trying to find out his past that seemingly was wiped out. but in this tri-quel, he found his closure, and it wasn't what he was expecting at all. (spoiler warning!) jason bourne was previously david webb. meeting the doctor who oversaw his whole training program that erased webb and thus created bourne, the truth hit home. "we didn't choose you, jason. you chose us...you walked in that day, and you volunteered for the program." bourne/webb was confused. all this while he thought it was all done TO him, without his consent. it was others to be blamed. "you can't undo the path you chose." he was stunned.

i think in many ways it challenges me to think about cause and effect. we all like to think of grace and mercy, especially because we do believe that no person however careful can ever be sin-free enough to avoid condemnation. nobody's perfect, right? hey! grace, anyone? yes please! our God is a God of amazing grace, isn't He? yes, He is. but what happens to us when consequences of our choices catch up with us at some point of our lives, perhaps years after that point of decision? how does God look at me?

the world teaches me cause and effect. God does too. the bible talks about reaping what you sow. you sow good, you reap good. you sow bad, go figure. cause and effect. but sometimes, with all good intentions, i don't always sow good. unconsciously or consciously, no matter - i don't feign ignorance every time. i CAN'T. does God hold everything against me? i'd like to think not. He wipes my slate clean and helps me start afresh. He removes my transgressions from me and cleans me white as snow. true repentance leads me to experience the TOTAL reality of his grace and the kindness of his love. mercy is available for me, despite my wrong choices. i can't undo the path i chose. that's true. but God can, and that's truer.

so, does that mean i can throw caution to the wind, and hope all consequences are buried? will there still be consequences of sin, even after repentance? in some cases, i believe so. that's where restitution comes in. should there be consequences that one must live with for the rest of one's life, God gives grace to endure it to the end. He wouldn't hold nothing against you any more, but He'd allow it to stay with you - a life lesson (to teach others, too). should God see it right that one be fully released from that consequence, however, that's also grace.

bourne got a new lease of life at the end of the movie. i don't know abt a 4th bourne movie, but he lived. he didn't get a chance to turn back the clock or undo that decision which changed his whole life, but after going back to meet that doctor and coming to terms with his past, the closure must have meant a lot. it would fuel his tenacity to face his future thereon.

many of us make choices that have consequences which could stay with us our whole lives. we can only find strength to face our future because His mercies are new every morning, His rod and His staff comforts us, and He sees us as His prodigals come home.

the difference

there's a difference when one becomes keenly aware of the spiritual realm. understanding that which is not seen with the physical eyes takes one's worldview a level up. or should i say, a layer deeper. a dimension richer. a lot of people put everything they have into tangible, quantitative 'stuff'. you know, like the cliche about temporal versus eternal investments. i know i used to, and often times still do. nothing wrong with that, though, don't get me wrong. one cannot ignore what is before one's own eyes. what we do see is somewhat important. it's supernatural, however, when you know to read what corresponds in the spiritual that is manifested in the physical.

my life took a turn when i began to observe there are those who live as if their whole beings were just body and soul. and then there are those who know their spirits are just as real, if not more. spooky? not really. see how many people are now jumping on the bandwagon of spirituality. take a look at the growing market of all things spiritual...don't have me go into details now. now still, i keep observing.

for a couple of years now i clearly remember what one pastor taught me. pastor benny ho once shared 3 emphases which i took seriously as i then analyzed how these 3 fit into my understanding of young people: this generation are to be (1) sacrificial in lifestyle; (2) strategic in decision-making; (3) strong in spirit. and i know they are! i love being a part of young people experiencing God. their lives never the same again. when filled with the Spirit of God, they're powerhouses...you can't go mild and gentle. undiluted message of the gospel. radical challenge of the cross. extreme change in values. i feel it in my bones...i see them pray, i pray with them. doesn't matter what the world say, dismal as statistics can look, young people becoming keenly aware of God's Spirit - that's what i'm talking about!

last Sat the presence of God was so strong during a worship time with my youth. it was awe-some...i just watched them soak in the understanding that God loves them. the Spirit of God moved many to just kneel down low, some began to weep, 'cause they were tuned in...tuned in as the Holy Spirit spoke to them. you don't even need to do anything, they just tarried. i asked God, 'anything you want me to do, like lead them in prayer or something?' He just said 'wait'. so i waited. the worship got deeper and the atmosphere started to lift. you can just sense the youth entering into an even deeper realm of the presence of God. when i felt it was time, i took on the mike and released a word. the receptivity is so different. the difference between skin-deep and breakthrough worship.

it's a season of renewal and breakthrough. worship cannot be mild and gentle no more. we need to be people who are keenly aware of what God is saying all the time. to live and move and have our very being - body, soul, spirit - in Him alone. can't afford any other way. undiluted, concentrated dose of the message of the cross...i now pray everyday for the passion to live radical, i need it from God Himself. don't wanna be anything less than that.

what kind of leaders does this generation need? a different kind. sacrificial in lifestyle, strategic in decision-making and strong in spirit. Lord, help me be so. hit me with contrition and discontentment every single day, every week, every month, every year until i see breakthrough after breakthrough in this generation. first in me.

see how they grow!

taken July 27th

Aug 23rd

Sept 26th

you're gettin smilierrrrr, matt :)

see how they grow, babies!!! u're seeing tim and wini's beloved lil' tike! my godson (uh huh!) - God help me! but i think tim and wini are doing a marvelous job at bringing him up so far, he's got his own blog, yo ;) http://www.matthewprescott.blogspot.com/ don't say i didn't warn ya tho, he's one smily hunk...

hmm.....wini, teach me how u can smell matt even when he's not with u! *grin* i AM kind of far...

yesterday i locked myself up in my bedroom and just soaked in solitary time with God. was tempting to grab somethg to eat occasionally or just go out of my room for a walk but no! i'm not leaving until i'm filled...i refuse to let go until you show me your glory. as the hours went by, in a way i was getting filled, yet at the same time felt desperate for more...like it wasn't ever gonna be enough. i am in awe of how john wesley and other revivalists in the likes of him just exude God's glory...God, i wanna be that on fire for you and willing to passere for you, even unto death...that these days as i seek You, hungry for a cause to die for, revive my heart and reform my world God, because since 1999 when i gave my life to you, if i ever stop living for you then my life means nothing. revive my heart God with a fire for you that consumes me and all that i am in you...i don't wanna be passionate abt anythg else as much as i wanna be for you...

i find such an intellectual and spiritual stimulation (not that intellectual isn't spiritual!) in studying the characters that made history over the ages leading to christianity today. of late, the testimonies of revivalists, particularly, capture my heart and takes me to another level of hunger. i begin now to see how martyrdom is inevitable when these heroes of our faith had such faith in God and conviction that 'to live is Christ, and to die is gain'. that john knox can say with a fire in his belly, 'God, give me Scotland or i die!!!' in a way, not to make it seem trivial or easy, but when these heroes truly took up their cross and followed in their savior's footsteps, the choice to live and ultimately die for the Cause isn't much of a dilemma. and the list of heroes goes on...of course i'm not doing a full course on Church History and all that YET, but i'm looking forward to that. and in the meantime, digesting in my times with God asking Him to give me that same fire. all i know is, if i don't take up my cross, there seems little meaning in living. but yeah yeah, skeptically we all say 'easier said than done, janice!' mmm, passere.

then this morning God led me to psalm 42. i started just singing a song off the top of my head, playing my woodbone...very interesting how king david writes his poetry. i'm reminded of the prophetic prayers uttered abt kk being a worship centre and new sounds will begin to rise up to heaven and a new beat resound in our state of sabah. so i claimed that again and began writing my lyrics down...maybe it'll be sung one day *shrug* well, at least i will sing it lar...