Each one of us are broken, there are no two ways about it. This reality is far from being a reality that we can deny or dismiss, without also denying or dismissing our own humanity. We are simply broken in unique ways. To look at a person's brokenness is to discover who that person is. In it, we discover the essence of his/her being. Nouwen writes, "...our brokenness reveals something about who we are."
That no one is exempt from a state of brokenness is humanity's shared reality. But that's where it stops. For if you can recognize that each individual's suffering and pain is indeed unique, in that it both defines and is defined by who that individual is, then we cannot say this shared reality is truly shared. How much can you truly understand of another's pain, in spite of hundreds of similarities you can find, as though you are that person going through that pain at that moment?
I've always found it hard to bring myself to say in response to a friend sharing a struggle, "I know exactly how you feel." The truth is, if a friend were to say that to me when I am going through a hard time, I doubt I would believe it, much less feel consoled in a significant way. Perhaps there is value is attempting to match someone's suffering to our own, in the hope of bridging emotional distance or what not. But to say I can know how a person feels exactly, that seems too presumptious - doesn't it?
A conversation I had with three other friends on Christmas Eve was on the issue of pain. One of them said the feelings can be numbed by keeping the mind occupied on anything other than the cause of that pain. "Just don't think about it!" Isn't that what many of us do, when we find our pain too heavy a cross to bear, when life needs to go on and we have no choice but to "move on". I can't quite articulate the sadness I felt in my heart to hear that being said, mostly because I knew how true it is. Sadly. We cover our pain over days, months, years. We ignore it. We bury it. We try to kill it. But we remain broken.
My response to that friend, although not very well-articulated, was that the reason many, many songs are so powerful is that they are expressions of encountering, contemplating and living through pain. Sometimes, deep pain. Was not the human heart created to feel? And is not brokenness the very way our hearts are tenderized? Joy is greater joy, sorrow greater sorrow, when we are broken and do not run away from it. Painkillers don't work on broken hearts. Encountering our unique brokenness - that's what brings true healing. There was a day when I was lying on my back in the Spanish village in Balboa Park (spring break roadtrip with Laura), listening to a guitarist under a tree, asking God questions from my Pandora jar of a brain. Then came one of the most stunning moments I felt God speak to me clearly - "Healing is made complete when you dare to love even when it hurts." God was calling me to wholenes that is found not by avoiding pain but by knowing He is in control amidst pain, and that I can walk through my pain assured I am never alone. Maybe no one can understand, even those who say "Oh! I understand exactly how you feel." And that's okay.
If our brokenness is telltale of who we are, then my brokenness shouts my darkest fears. Fear of the unknown. Fear of death. Fear of being alone. Fear of people's expectations and demands. Fear of failure. Fear of success. My God! So many fears! I don't run. I don't hide. I meet Him in the secret place...He tells me I'm His Beloved. I belong to Him. I am broken but wholly surrendered...
Jeremy Riddle - Sweetly Broken
From the album Sweetly Broken
To the cross I look, to the cross I cling
Of its suffering I do drink
Of its work I do sing
For on it my Savior both bruised and crushed
Showed that God is love
And God is just
Chorus:
At the cross You beckon me
You draw me gently to my knees, and I am
Lost for words, so lost in love,
I’m sweetly broken, wholly surrendered
What a priceless gift, undeserved life
Have I been given
Through Christ crucified
You’ve called me out of death
You’ve called me into life
And I was under Your wrath
Now through the cross I’m reconciled
Chorus:
In awe of the cross I must confess
How wondrous Your redeeming love and
How great is Your faithfulness
...Interestingly, the Pandora jar we hear of (or the more popular term "Pandora's box") speaks of hope beneath mayhem. Mayhem was released because of Pandora's curiosity, out of a jar she possessed, which were "all of the evils, ills, diseases". But "at the very bottom of her jar, there lay hope." (see Wikipedia, "Pandora's box"). Of course, you may or may not like Greek mythology. But I cannot help but delight at the thought that beneath all the mayhem of life, our hurts and pains, our trivial pursuits, our broken dreams, there lies hope in what is eternal. Hope that is greater hope - because brokenness is not our ultimate enemy. Our not knowing whose we are is what makes brokenness ruin us. So I rejoice in that hope! In all these things, "we are more than conquerors through him who loved us" (Rom 8:37).
Who we are determines how we are broken. Our becoming the Beloved transforms who we are, which in turn transforms our ashes into beauty...
Mourning into dancing...
Sorrow into joy!
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1 comment:
Thank you for sharing this reflection. And I agree with your response to your friend, ignoring pain may be the easy way out, but how shallow a life you will lead if that is always the aim, to avoid pain. And it is true that the best songs (not to mention psalms) are of the enduring and living through pain.
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