..:: the rambling rose ::.....

Dancing Day!

2010-01-19T09:12:00.000-08:00

...or so they say.

I love to dance. Not everyone who knows me knows this, but yes, I do. Maybe this has to do with being introduced to dance music since young, and having memories of dancing with my dad for as long as I can remember.

The idea of dancing is so...stimulating. One thinks of movement, emotions, rhythm, hearts beating, beauty, harmony, oneness of the dancers. And then there's confusion, disunity, chaos, disjointed movements, forced smiles, sore feet and aching muscles. Surely the most beautiful choreographies are those of infinite possibilities and innovative postures. Choreography cannot be conceived simply in the mind. It must be lived. It must involve one's all - heart, soul, strength. Can dance be beautiful without these 'alls' ? But most of us can hardly imagine walking through life without weariness, much less waltz our way into the future!

(Photo taken from www.laballet.com)

It's saddening to hear news of church/temple attacks, and earthquakes, and rise in homelessness. As I pondered these past few days, what I think of when I dwell on the word 'perichoresis' (a term used to describe unity of the Godhead in Trinitarian theology) was this: Dancing can depict deep sorrow. It also can demonstrate deep joy.

And my favourite choreography would be one that infuses both sorrow and joy in its bittersweet motions that leaves me speechless at the complexity, creativity and altogether-impressive conclusion. In the rhythm of life, rarely is there a constant beat, a dull moment, a predictable year. "What of the Haitian victims' suffering?" we ask. With this new year ahead, how many of us feel prepared to face the countless challenges that lie before us, with our poor visibility in the fog of uncertainty? Is there truly dancing after the mourning?

(Photo taken from www.news.cnet.com)

Sometimes it feels as though we live in a time of endless mourning. But we are told in Holy Scripture that a time of joy will come. Though the sorrow may last for the night, his joy comes in the morning! It is with poor visibility that we should fix our eyes on what is unseen - because that is what lasts. Our troubles for this time are "achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all." Even now, we get glimpses of this joy through those we love and cherish, i.e. our sorrow is not without a pinch of joy. A classic hymn known as "Tomorrow Shall be My Dancing Day" does remind us that THE Dancing Day has not arrived. There shall be such a day - pure joy. Meanwhile, we are still not done with THE final choreography. Remember: The conclusion of your dance means nothing without every movement that precedes it. In that we hope.

For you who read this, I pray that you will move with the flow of God in your dance this year:

May you know divine guidance in your steps, and the continuity of your past, present and future as movements that build towards a beautiful conclusion.
May you discover creativity amidst complexity in life through wisdom from above.
May you move forward with assurance that the one who created you is your ultimate choreography partner - he is the one in whom you live and move and have your being.

As for me, I am asking God for renewed faith in his provision and power, and divine wisdom as I complete my 2-year program. The years ahead are not without challenges, but there is so much to look forward to! In the following 5+ months, I want to deepen my sense of purpose and destiny to live (dance!) for him as I consider my next step post-Fuller, and find significance directly from the Source of my origin, the One to whom I shall one day return for my Dancing Day.

BECOMING THE BELOVED - 3. BROKEN

2009-12-26T19:45:00.000-08:00

It's not how broken we are. It's how we are broken.

Each one of us are broken, there are no two ways about it. This reality is far from being a reality that we can deny or dismiss, without also denying or dismissing our own humanity. We are simply broken in unique ways. To look at a person's brokenness is to discover who that person is. In it, we discover the essence of his/her being. Nouwen writes, "...our brokenness reveals something about who we are."

That no one is exempt from a state of brokenness is humanity's shared reality. But that's where it stops. For if you can recognize that each individual's suffering and pain is indeed unique, in that it both defines and is defined by who that individual is, then we cannot say this shared reality is truly shared. How much can you truly understand of another's pain, in spite of hundreds of similarities you can find, as though you are that person going through that pain at that moment?

I've always found it hard to bring myself to say in response to a friend sharing a struggle, "I know exactly how you feel." The truth is, if a friend were to say that to me when I am going through a hard time, I doubt I would believe it, much less feel consoled in a significant way. Perhaps there is value is attempting to match someone's suffering to our own, in the hope of bridging emotional distance or what not. But to say I can know how a person feels exactly, that seems too presumptious - doesn't it?

A conversation I had with three other friends on Christmas Eve was on the issue of pain. One of them said the feelings can be numbed by keeping the mind occupied on anything other than the cause of that pain. "Just don't think about it!" Isn't that what many of us do, when we find our pain too heavy a cross to bear, when life needs to go on and we have no choice but to "move on". I can't quite articulate the sadness I felt in my heart to hear that being said, mostly because I knew how true it is. Sadly. We cover our pain over days, months, years. We ignore it. We bury it. We try to kill it. But we remain broken.

My response to that friend, although not very well-articulated, was that the reason many, many songs are so powerful is that they are expressions of encountering, contemplating and living through pain. Sometimes, deep pain. Was not the human heart created to feel? And is not brokenness the very way our hearts are tenderized? Joy is greater joy, sorrow greater sorrow, when we are broken and do not run away from it. Painkillers don't work on broken hearts. Encountering our unique brokenness - that's what brings true healing. There was a day when I was lying on my back in the Spanish village in Balboa Park (spring break roadtrip with Laura), listening to a guitarist under a tree, asking God questions from my Pandora jar of a brain. Then came one of the most stunning moments I felt God speak to me clearly - "Healing is made complete when you dare to love even when it hurts." God was calling me to wholenes that is found not by avoiding pain but by knowing He is in control amidst pain, and that I can walk through my pain assured I am never alone. Maybe no one can understand, even those who say "Oh! I understand exactly how you feel." And that's okay.

If our brokenness is telltale of who we are, then my brokenness shouts my darkest fears. Fear of the unknown. Fear of death. Fear of being alone. Fear of people's expectations and demands. Fear of failure. Fear of success. My God! So many fears! I don't run. I don't hide. I meet Him in the secret place...He tells me I'm His Beloved. I belong to Him. I am broken but wholly surrendered...

Jeremy Riddle - Sweetly Broken
From the album Sweetly Broken
To the cross I look, to the cross I cling
Of its suffering I do drink
Of its work I do sing

For on it my Savior both bruised and crushed
Showed that God is love
And God is just

Chorus:
At the cross You beckon me
You draw me gently to my knees, and I am
Lost for words, so lost in love,
I’m sweetly broken, wholly surrendered

What a priceless gift, undeserved life
Have I been given
Through Christ crucified

You’ve called me out of death
You’ve called me into life
And I was under Your wrath
Now through the cross I’m reconciled

Chorus:

In awe of the cross I must confess
How wondrous Your redeeming love and
How great is Your faithfulness

...Interestingly, the Pandora jar we hear of (or the more popular term "Pandora's box") speaks of hope beneath mayhem. Mayhem was released because of Pandora's curiosity, out of a jar she possessed, which were "all of the evils, ills, diseases". But "at the very bottom of her jar, there lay hope." (see Wikipedia, "Pandora's box"). Of course, you may or may not like Greek mythology. But I cannot help but delight at the thought that beneath all the mayhem of life, our hurts and pains, our trivial pursuits, our broken dreams, there lies hope in what is eternal. Hope that is greater hope - because brokenness is not our ultimate enemy. Our not knowing whose we are is what makes brokenness ruin us. So I rejoice in that hope! In all these things, "we are more than conquerors through him who loved us" (Rom 8:37).

Who we are determines how we are broken. Our becoming the Beloved transforms who we are, which in turn transforms our ashes into beauty...
Mourning into dancing...
Sorrow into joy!

Christmas pause

2009-12-26T00:43:00.000-08:00

It's been two days since my last chapter. But it's been a good two days of Christmas. Jesus Christ, Son of God, Son of Man. How inconceivable. I shall continue to breathe in the wonderment that surrounds this season - in commemoration and celebration of when the Creator chose to be part of his creation, compelled by an unfathomable kind of love. One final week remains of this year. No, make that five days. I will that these five days be steeped in thankful remembrance and reflective planning.

With that, I shall now lay my head to rest yet another night and return to unhurried ponderance on "Brokenness" in continuation of Nouwen's Beloved.

BECOMING THE BELOVED - 1. TAKEN

2009-12-22T02:19:00.000-08:00

So the aim was to blog a chapter a day. I usually end up blogging only at the end of my day, right before I sleep, as a reflection exercise. For some reason, the blogspot clock doesn't follow my sleep hours or when I think the day should officially end; my post tonight, for example, should show tonight's date, but blogspot would argue it's already tomorrow. Oh well...

Today I read the section Taken, the first of four parts in the chapter Becoming the Beloved. The part that kicked me (yes, I used the word "kicked") was this: to be chosen as the Beloved of God does not exclude others. Instead, it includes others. That's kinda neat. I've never quite thought of it that way. Which is great! So it was a thought to ponder on.

Do you think persons around you feel included, or out of your radar? Do people know that you know your Belovedness, and that you know theirs, too? Hmm. How does our Belovedness include others? Or rather, how does our Being and Becoming the Beloved cause others to feel accepted and belonged and secure around us? As a matter of fact, do we think it can have that effect?

Fascinating.

Instead of making others feel threatened or rejected or unworthy, my walking around just being the Beloved creates an environment for them to experience their own Belovedness while I experience mine. Isn't that awesome??! I simply enjoy the fact that I am deeply cherished and valued (makes you wonder what that looks like, doesn't it?) --- and trust that somehow that rubs off on people, 'cause they become drawn into this environment that breathes life into them so they too can respond to that deep inner voice that calls, "You are the Beloved." It's no fun to be around someone who hates him/herself and is constantly either putting him/herself down OR putting you down to make him/herself feel better. So it's almost like, picture this: you're going around living life, letting yourself be loved and giving generously and just as graciously the love you receive to those whom you encounter.

That is how we understand the word 'chosen', to be set apart and somehow shine in quality and distinctiveness.
Yet not for competition, but for compassion.
Not for exclusion of others, but inclusion.
Not for rejection of anything less than perfection, but acceptance of all that needs perfection.

So ends another night. And by my decree, this post is dated Dec 21, the first day of winter. All is calm...time to sleep.

Paradise Lost

2009-12-20T23:55:00.001-08:00

There was a time when I felt like everything could be sussed out. That if I try hard enough, anything could be figured out. I just need to find out and do my research and all that. Of course, that belief was quickly put to rest. Or rather, it was a myth quickly dispelled. Although I don't necessarily think that way anymore, I still however believe that there's a lot we can find out if we care to try.

You see, it goes without saying that what we know more about impacts what we are concerned about. When you learn more about the injustice done to children who born into prostitution, it is hard not to feel a certain level of sadness and horror inside. One cannot help but ask "why?" or at least pause for a moment in quiet sobriety.

In the Life of the Beloved, Nouwen speaks of all human beings having "deep inner memories of paradise lost". That deep inside, we once held something that we all have lost and are now searching for. How would we crave love, if we never tasted it? How could we possibly conceive of the concept of right or wrong, if we never had a sense for it? In essence, perhaps humankind can only look for something that it has experienced before to some degree. I cannot yearn for home if I don't have the slightest idea of what home is. You cannot understand what happiness is if you had no prior contact with the notion or imagery of it. Yes, perhaps this is true.

If so, I wonder, in our empathy for others, the anger against the injustice that we hear of - how much of that is conditioned by our own experiences of how justice should be. It's unavoidable, but it's also a projection based on our perception of reality. I am in no way downplaying the importance of empathy! I am merely seeing from an angle that may show more of how the way we respond to others' troubles and hardships is very much dependent on our own experiences rather than those with whom we empathize. Because we have experienced the 'opposite', it pains us to see others go through it. Because we have known unconditional love, we cannot bear to know of a friend who thinks his or her life is a waste and is dispensable. Because we have seen the amazingness of God's grace in the giving of his Son and the forgiveness of our sins, surely it is too hard to sit and watch a loved one suffer in self-rejection and guilt and shame.

Do we each have a reclaimed slice of paradise once known to humanity that now remains non-existent in so many people's lives? Do each of us carry this slice of paradise lost that can speak to another person's deep inner memories, like a missing piece to the half-completed puzzle? Do I, being the Beloved that I am and in my journey of Becoming this Beloved, get to reclaim more and more of this paradise that we all somehow lost, and as such get to offer to others through my gift of Belovedness? If yes, that's a reason to wake up every morning with a song in my heart and a smile on my face...to think that simply in my receiving and giving love, I am part of reconstructing this paradise. One that we once knew, a very long time ago, the "deep inner memories" of which are betrayed by our inner yearnings for its very taste.

Tomorrow I shall continue with my daily reading and reflection...as Nouwen goes on to talk about Becoming the Beloved, in being TAKEN, BLESSED, BROKEN and GIVEN.

and then the Becoming.

2009-12-20T00:11:00.000-08:00

"From the moment we claim the truth of being the Beloved, we are faced with the call to become who we are."

This statement resonates so much with what I have heard and said so many times over. It's a question of identity. A person who is of royal lineage but doesn't know it lives quite differently from another who has royal blood and knows it. That person carries himself or herself with an aura not like other people. There's just something about him/her.

Question: when you know you are Beloved, how do you carry yourself? It's one thing to know your identity. It's another to have it manifested in a tangible way. Like, it's oozes out of your life it's hard to miss. To claim the full truth of your Belovedness - would that mean that it surely shows in your daily existence? Is not Becoming the Beloved a sure part of Being the Beloved? To let this truth become "enfleshed" in all that you say, think and do, rather than it being merely a beautiful thought or a blurry imagination, doesn't it mean you're called not only to BE but to BECOME who you know you are?

Know who you are, and walk in the knowledge of that.
You're chosen.
You're royalty.
You're holy.
You're a person who belongs to God.

Into chapter 2 of Nouwen's book. I'm finding it so hard not to rush through the whole book. Letting each page sink in. It's so true! I cannot think "I'm Beloved" without responding to the call of Becoming. Yet, responding to this call is too much and takes a lifetime...but it doesn't make sense to have it any other way! Remember, I am only able to give this gift of Belovedness to others inasmuch as I have myself experienced it. It's so exciting to see someone realize he/she is so loved, I want them to really live it! And this means me, too. I am reminded today, as Nouwen provokes me, that Experiencing BEING the Beloved is not possible unless I embark on the journey of BECOMING:

To claim my Belovedness, which demands that I enflesh all the realities of this truth from heaven to shed light on my ordinary, mundane and occasionally tiresome existence.
To not only say yes to it once, but over and over so that there is a sense of becoming more and more what I am in the process of grasping. Painful, long process.
To allow myself grace for my forgetfulness, but always return to my identity that tells me, "You are and always will be the Beloved."

May the engraving of this identity never end! The more I live it out, the more I know what it really should look like.

You are the Beloved

2009-12-18T11:55:00.000-08:00

It is now the holiday break before Fuller's winter quarter begins. Reading Nouwen's Life of the Beloved. What a joy to spend this time of year reflecting on this truth - a truth that is no less profound as it is simple.

BEING THE BELOVED is how this gift from Nouwen begins, a response to a request from his friend that he speaks of this God he so loves from his heart in terms anyone can understand. And I am captured by the weight of all that he wants to say to this friend: You are the Beloved. To be heard with all the tenderness and force that love can hold, the words that ought to reverberate "in every corner" of our beings - we are the Beloved. I struggle to imagine that this is something anyone can understand, if you can grasp the irony of this truth. It is so often far beyond what we can comprehend or dare believe.

Are we? The Beloved, you say?

Every corner of our beings is stricken with an unshakeable need to be loved, a need so deprived even by ourselves. Deprivation, starvation, malnourishment. We're constantly feeding on the prove-yourself-worthy diet because what we see when we look at our reflection is "I'm never good enough, beautiful enough, loveable enough, capable enough, strong enough." Everything we do that brings no satisfaction we seem to keep doing as though we can find fulfillment when we try often and try hard. Isn't it so true that beneath it all, our facade, our facemasks, we cover something so subtle and pervasive we cannot recognize it? Self-rejection in all its darkened glory, staring us in the face. Staring that comes from the eyes of those from whom we feel disapproval, disappointment, discontentment. Whether it is truly them or the self-condescending, self-deprecating voice within ourselves.

This is something so basic that really hit me as I read on: I could be an arrogant prick or someone you label as having low self-esteem - both are only indicators of what truly lies beneath. Self-rejection. How so? It manifests itself in both ways, doesn't it? We often say that pride, greed, popularity, fame, lust, or power are problems we must deal with. But how are these seductive to one who has no need to prove him or herself worthy? Are these not trappings for the one who thinks these are solutions for the inadequacy he/she feels? So we put ourselves higher than others so people cannot see how we really are inside. Or we put ourselves so low people cannot criticize us anymore than we already do ourselves. We run from that whisper to know we are Beloved. We don't hear it amidst our self-creation, self-dependence, self-sufficiency. Self-protection. But it's really self-rejection. We reject that we can just be who we are, no more and no less.

For today, this chapter suffices. Something our malnourished beings need to chew on and digest, that is far more enriching than that diet of unworthiness we feed ourselves: You are the Beloved. Regardless of your success or failure, your past or present. A Belovedness that began even before you were born, to be perfected for eternity when death's final blow beseeches you home to your Belover. And I love the way Nouwen phrases it for our practice, that our giving to each other the gift of our Belovedness is what we should be about. Inasmuch as I have been able to claim this Belovedness for myself only am I able to give that gift to others. I definitely need to practice this...so help me, God.

Safe in Your Arms - A Reflection

2009-12-07T10:19:00.000-08:00

'Cause nothing can move me
The mountains crumble at your feet
I'm safe in your arms
In your arms

This stanza is from a song by an amazing worship leader whom I love. For a long time, I had liked it - something about it always moves my heart. This morning as I huddled with my guitar in the warmth of my lil' room, with my windows all fogged up from the cold, wet air outside, I sang it again like so many other times - but I felt something different.

The mountains crumble at your feet...

You know, reflection is a tricky thing. Think 'mirror'. Without light, you can hardly see anything. You need a source of light somewhere near you. Near enough to have light rays bounce off the glass surface, like a prism, and colors come in to play. Or imagine a desk lamp right next to your laptop in front of you, adjustable for wherever you want more light to fall. On your notes. On your keyboard. On your book.

But have you ever pointed a spotlight right into a mirror? It gets too strong you have to turn away. Just a bit of light, and you get enough illumination in the darkness. Too much light, and you have to turn away 'cause it hurts to look into it.

So I reflect.

I like light. I like being able to see. I like illumination at the right spots, and beauty that comes from sparkles, glitter and brilliance. I like painting with light - photography. I like the dance that a candle flame does when a slight breeze slips in to its space. Question: does light ever fall on the wrong places? We may not like what it reveals or illuminates...

I reflect this morning on the fact that what I consider "mountains" in life - they can crumble. In fact, they don't just crumble, but they crumble at the feet of my Mountain-Maker. It hurts as I step into the light of this truth. Because what becomes highlighted is my self-reliance and independence and prayerlessness. I move from the shadows into the spotlight of truth. It feels almost unbearable to come to terms with our humanness sometimes (or should I speak only for myself, and say 'my humanness'?) I'm faced with this realization that I've been wanting mountains to crumble at MY feet, not Yours, Lord. They're not even MY mountains, so how dare I? At that, I turn away, afraid to look. My eyes squint in a pained frown, because my heart still faces You, though my eyes are turned away. God, Your truth drowns my heart in too bright a light, yet it refuses to blink.

'Cause nothing can move me

Sometimes, in moments like this, I squeeze my eyes shut and cover my lips. What can be said? What can be prayed? Except...it is in verbal silence, where the heart remains unsilenced, the unspoken is unspoken no more. And I ask without words, "Would You have the mountains crumble at Your dear feet, my Lord? I cannot have it any other way, or I would die trying."

I want to KNOW I'm safe in the arms of my Maker.
Though I know, I want to KNOW.
Not only shall my ears hear of You Let my eyes see You also.
The eyes of my heart.
The eyes of my heart.
The eyes of my heart that refuse to be blinded by Your light.

Reflection, with You, is undeniable beauty,
I want my independence, God, to flee;
Today I come and fall at Your feet,
Where me and these mountains meet.
May Your brilliance crumble them all,
Let them crumble, Lord, let them fall.
Oh, but though I too crumble, let me remain humbled, chided,
In Your arms where I am sheltered, forever carried.

I'm safe in Your arms
Safe in Your arms...

Does God snicker?

2009-07-13T23:51:00.000-07:00

We may not often catch ourselves thinking this, a common but subtle perception of God: He doesn't really care when I make any wrong decisions. To him, what will be, will be. When I seek guidance, he gives some clues, but once I make a decision he has no qualms of letting me go through the consequences of that decision by myself, left to my own devices.

There are more than one thing I am pondering about this perception:

1) The idea of wrong decisions sometimes cause us to live under a cloud of fear and doubt. Oh my gosh! Made a wrong move. It's doom and gloom from hereon. There's no remedy, I'm finished. Shame on me! My future's ruined. Why am I not holy enough? Why did I not pray enough? How come I can't seem to put my finger on his perfect will?

2) What will be, will be? I've always hated that song Que Sera Sera (yes, I know, 'hate' is a very strong word). Did God let Joseph have a life of 'what will be will be'? Let nature run its course? At which point did God choose to turn his brothers' evil meant to harm him for good, from which he ended up saving not only his own family, but an entire nation, from famine? The bottomline is that God showed up! Then there's Esther, David, Jacob, Abraham - who all found that the dreams they lost to failure and/or foolishness were redeemed in the place of recognizing God is a purposeful and sovereign God who can work things out for good.

3) We're super-scared when stakes are high. Small decisions deceive us into a sort of complacency in how we ask for counsel. But big ones? Ooh...scaweeeee. God, help! I suppose it's true, yes, that certain decisions are not as critical as others. Either way, though, would you say that you and God can make both big AND small decisions together? Sure. Perhaps the fear of making a wrong decision is, by our categories, greater with bigger decisions. I think whatever type of decision ought to be a partnership between you, God, and others who give wise counsel. And the imagery of how one discerns the most right decision is not some mystical, pie-in-the-sky type thing, confirmed with an audible voice (although that is not difficult at all when you involve God in the process). Any decision is a partnership decision - all things concern God and what he means to you.

4) In thinking that God leaves us to our decisions, especially when you are in even the slightest doubt that you may not have 'heard' or sensed rightly, there is a sense of abandonment. What a cage in our minds! But perhaps you do this without realizing? Like our parents, leaders or friends, we feel like God says to us about our decisions, "well, you made your bed, so you lie in it." You deserve it. You chose the path, so what happens as a result you have only yourself to blame. Or that person whose advice you wanted to take. Or that incident you selected to be classified as a confirmation. I can't help but picture Jacob, whom God wrestled with all night through. It's almost like, "Jacob, I wanna be involved in your life more than you know. I want you to know my purposes for your life and those you love cannot be thwarted. I am here to make sure that you know it is within my power to show up in your life, In fact, I'll leave you with a limp just so you never forget - I've got your back."

So maybe my pondering today leads me to interpret Jacob's experience this way: God does care whenever you make any decision. You may think your decisions are not always the most right ones, but he always - ALWAYS - goes through the consequences of your decisions WITH you, i.e. he does not snicker at you from afar and maybe stretch out a hand only when you yell for help. You are not left to your own devices (thank God!), or you would have long ceased to exist.

To take it further, maybe what we think is right or wrong in terms of a decision isn't the same as how God thinks. In our moments of seeking resolution or direction, no concern, however valid, ought to cloud your trust that He has got your back. Whatever you decide, he will never leave you nor forsake you. He is always near, an ever-present help. He enjoys you. He rejoices in your decisions every time, when your heart intended to hear and obey him. Perhaps it is safe to say, in this context, that there cannot be a 'wrong' decision because your heart was right at that point of decision. Perhaps it is safe to say, thus, that you cannot fail, you can't possible fail! In fact, you will succeed 100%, not because you are the most awesome decision-maker in the whole wide world (who is?!) but that you are the most childlike in faith and desperately reliant on him to help you go through life.

Stop for a moment on the phrase 'you have only yourself to blame". What does that mean? Do you blame yourself when you encounter difficulty following your decision? But do you take credit when a decision goes so well that everything seems to 'fall' into place? Maybe by believing that when something goes wrong it's all your fault means that when something goes well you think all credit should go to you. Would it not be true that thankfulness is due, NO MATTER HOW life turns out? Worship is due. Glory to God is due.

In the quiet, in the stillness I know that you are God.
In the secret of your presence I know there I am restored...
...in the chaos, in confusion I know you're sovereign still.
In the moment of my weakness you give me grace to do your will...
...now I live to bring you praise...all my delight is in you Lord...

P/S: So, does God snicker?

You, Lord.

2009-06-21T21:46:00.000-07:00

It has been a little over a year since I first packed my bags and left home, where I was born and raised all of my 20+years of life. To say that a lot has happened in this one year is to state the obvious. Anyone who has ever 'left home' would attest to that. I cannot begin to describe the depth from which this statement arises. For everyone, I'm sure, time away equals major change...and each of us have our own story.

There are many beliefs I held before that I now still hold with strong conviction. There are, at the same time, too many other beliefs I held before that I now either hold loosely, or have chosen to let go of (until it is time to review it, if ever). I'd like to think that this happens to each of us all the time, but we know there are specific seasons in which this experience is intensified. At times, it happens by one's choice, e.g. a deliberate step to pursue training in a different location. At other times, one finds oneself cornered - we can say - by the Almighty, e.g. sudden illness, or global economic crisis. Of course, the human role cannot be removed from circumstances. and our appropriate response can determine the fruit of life's circumstances.

So, really, as cliché as it sounds - a lot has happened in this one year. It has been one, drawn-out year of His curriculum. It would be premature to articulate lessons learned at this point, as though the learning is near conclusion. I would not dare to attempt that. I suspect, with much sobriety, that the unfolding of His learning objectives for me from this year's curriculum will come only after many years. Maybe a decade or two. That isn't to say there are no pieces of truth now. Like morsels of food. "But you ain't seen nothing yet..." Yes, yes, there is more to come, as long as we're alive! Every day of our lives is a part of our journey of learning life and love, some days feel longer than most. Some seasons are just more intensely introspective, wouldn't you agree? Maybe you understand? It has been one such year, vacillating between "I think I get it" and "What are You trying to say", between "God has been teaching me this" and "That wasn't quite it". No, I ain't seen nothing yet.

Perhaps it is safe to say there are overarching themes of this curriculum that I think I'm beginning to grasp. Not without pain, not without patience (surely not my strength). Moments when silence spoke louder than words, moments when His whispered reply deafened my ears. When I had to lean in to hear, only to discover the amplifier was right behind me.

I was deaf but now I hear?

I was blind, do I now dare see?

Surely I was lost, but now am being found.

Would it be blasphemous to say that I have found everything I held dear to be wanting, that only in discarding what I know, the distance between the attained and the yet-to-be-attained can be eliminated? To say that those who hold too unrelentingly to what they deem absolute to them do not know what truly is absolute for others? To say that everything I used to know I now find I know nothing of? But I rejoice in this 'blasphemous' statement, then, for that is how this year has been; I have been utterly taken apart, exposed, made vulnerable --- and it has been...strangely liberating.

All that to say, it has been one heck of a year. A place of pain and turmoil. But such liberation - in healing, in restoration. Such grace! In having sought to posture myself like Mary and her alabaster jar, a year later I do not emerge any less prostrated. Nor any less depraved. Nor any less ill-reputed. Nor any less despised or weak. Nor any less incapable, in and of myself. If anything, perhaps more desperate than before. Over the days and months, I see, still, the same picture. Mary and her jar, stooping low, doing the unthinkable --- approaching the Master in her shameful disposition with her only possession, at the scorn of her enemies. What was she thinking??? The nerve.

A lot has happened. Janice, what were you thinking? The nerve.

You have no idea, friend. It did not cost me nothing.

As vain as others may deem it, I encountered my Master.

To these, yet, I will cling:

"The Lord is close to those whose hearts have been broken. He saves those whose spirits have been crushed." - Ps 34:18

"I have chosen to be faithful to you. I put my trust in your laws. Lord, I'm careful to obey your covenant laws. Don't let me be put to shame. I am quick to follow your commands, because you have set my heart free." - Psalm 119:30-32

"I will praise the Lord. I won't forget anything he does for me...He satisfies me with the good things I long for. Then I feel young and strong again, just like an eagle." - Psalm 103:2, 5

"Find your delight in the Lord. Then he will give you everything your heart really wants." - Psalm 37:4

"I will thank the Lord at all times. My lips will always praise him.

I will honor the Lord. Let those who are hurting hear and be joyful.

Join me in giving glory to the Lord. Let us honor him together.

I looked to the Lord, and he answered me. He saved me from everything I was afraid of.

Those who look to him beam with joy. They are never put to shame...

The lions may grow weak and hungry. But those who look to the Lord have every good thing they need." - Psalm 34:1-5, 10

You, Lord

You are Lord.

Summer Stretch

2009-06-19T21:01:00.000-07:00

(Taken from my latest newsletter, to see the full version of this update click here.)

As of last week, Spring quarter at Fuller officially ended. It was by far the toughest quarter for me. A few more quarters to go! For now I'm glad that it's summer break. With summer approaching, LA gets warmer, but the proverbial June gloom kicked in two weeks before I left which was not fun. Now, I am in Hong Kong city (panorama photo above), the land of many 'Wan's - where the sun hides behind the clouds but the air is densely hot, hot, hot!

AFF

Antioch Forerunner Foundation is a summer missions program focused on training students and graduates to reach nations particularly along the Silk Road back to Jerusalem. This summer we are having it in three locations: Kansas City (July 1-31), Hong Kong (June 16-July 22) and Taiwan (July 26-Aug 23). The exciting thing is that we see God bringing together people from different nations with a common passion for a missional lifestyle, and a heart for prayer and intimacy with the Father.

With a unique thrust for each of these three locations, we are expecting God to further His mission by doing a deep work in each trainee; in Hong Kong - the Gateway City - the thrust is MARKETPLACE. How can they live out a missional lifestyle once they graduate, when they enter into a totally new environment that may not be as 'easy' a field as the campus? That is what AFF HK is about...

After AFF, our team will join Gateway Camp - a multicultural worship & intercession camp for people from many nations to be joined in destiny to partner with families and missions opportunities throughout China, HK and the nations beyond.

On a personal note, besides AFF and HK, I ask for your prayer for:

Family in Kota Kinabalu: Divine provision for my parents and sister, and health in every aspect of their being and relationships.
Study: I will begin a distance-learning course for 10 weeks, starting next week. Please pray for healthy body, mind and spirit, and for focused diligence as I study while traveling.
Travel: Most importantly, that God would make me a blessing wherever I go, at the sound of his voice which I hope to obey faithfully.

(end of excerpt)

Hope I can post more often this summer. It HAS been a little quiet here.... but it's gonna be an exciting summer, fosho!!!

an·tic·i·pa·tive

2009-05-24T09:52:00.000-07:00

The word anticipative is quite a likeable word.

Anticipative\An*tic"i*pa*tive\, a.
Anticipating, or containing anticipation. ``Anticipative of the feast to come.'' --Cary. -- An*tic"i*pa*tive*ly, adv.
Source: Webster's Revised Unabridged Dictionary (1913)

Been pondering on two phrases that led me to be anticipative:
1) Grace-fueled hope
2) Faith-filled obedience

Hope fills our hearts with a desire to see what could not be actually come to BE. An opening up of horizons to Providential possibilities of a reality outside of our grey, bleak boxes labelled "Mundane lives". Hope pushes boundaries of self, is not subject to the rhyme or reason of our binary existence, and redraws the perimeters of our vista which is otherwise void of the supernatural. God's grace makes hope possible. For without grace, what hope could we have? What hope could you and I cling on to, that sets our face like flint to the treacherous journey before us, anticipating despite the bleary surroundings a sweet eternal ending? Without grace, there is NO hope. Thus, would you not say that any sense of hope is to be attributed to grace given us undeservingly and not dependent at ALL on whether we can make things happen the way we want? So, we hope - and that hope is realized because God fuels it with HIS grace, outside of our resources and ability to see too far into the future or to turn the wheels to our own advantage. Because of God's grace, we can have hope and live out hope.

To live out that hope, then, demands of us a response. An obedient response, in fact. How come? Think of a dream you hope would come true. Then think what it requires of you to live that out. Realities, of course, are not ours to create. It is not that you can make an alternate reality because you simply hope so and it just happens. But if we think about it, when your heart is filled with a living hope, a hope that has vision, drive, passion, and excitement (albeit apprehensive at some moments), you cannot help but respond with a resolve not to jeopardize that hope - not if you can help it.
We do the things we otherwise cannot do.
We don't do the things we otherwise do.
All so that our obedience moves us along that grace-fueled hope. We obey what it takes, because that which we hope for is worth our obedience. But...this takes faith. Obedience without faith is no obedience. Obedience with faith, now THAT'S what moves mountains. More importantly, it moves you and moves God's heart. Thus, a devotion of heart and a diligence of mind emerges: I fully submit to this hope I now have by grace, let me consider what it requires of me and obey it by faith.

GRACE ENABLES HOPE THAT DEMANDS OF US OUR OBEDIENCE BY FAITH.

What do you hope for today?
Of what are you anticipative?
And how can you exercise faith in your obedience towards this hope?

IS...THE

2009-04-27T09:34:00.000-07:00

Jesus answered, "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me."
—John 14:6

Just think: That little article 'the'? Without it, John 14:6 contains nothing significant.
But with that 'the'? Way, Truth, and Life takes on a completely different meaning.

Today, though, I am pondering on the 'is'.

We find oxygen in the stirrings of our hearts. When you engage in an act that breeds passion deep inside, like painting your thoughts or cooking a meal for someone dear. We catch a breath of fresh air, right there. Aah... Sadly, exceptional are the moments when your heart is arrested by a little girl's smile or the tug of a jazz song from that cafe by the corner. You stop to breathe? Or do you not stop enough?

Perhaps you're one of the millions who hyperventilate through life. Barely getting enough air. We easily recognize how suffocating it feels to imagine a 'the' life, but we can't deny it IS THE best way to live. How do we walk in the Way, embrace the Truth, and live the Life with every breath? When we acknowledge Christ's claim, we have placed our lives in His hands once and for all. There is no more normal life, no more making the mundane from day to day.

Why is Jesus 'the' ___ ? It's not:

Going to church = the Way.

Reading the bible = the Truth.

Doing good works = the Life.

Jesus is a person. He's THE One.

Him being Him makes you a BEloved.

Not just what he does/did/will do, it's who he is. That's what rocks your world.

He IS the Way.

He IS the Truth.

He IS the Life.

In who He is, you breathe.

You breathe in who He is :)

He is the Way. Follow Him through the Land of Unlikeness; You will see rare beasts, and have unique adventures.
He is the Truth. See Him in the Kingdom of Anxiety; You will come to a great city that has expected your return for years.
He is Life. Love Him in the World of the Flesh; And at your marriage all of its occasions shall dance for joy.
~ Taken from Tim Hansel's You Gotta Keep Dancin'

May there be fresh air for you today, dear friends. And if you catch me blue in the face, remind me to inhale.

Heat + No internet = Studiousness

2009-04-21T15:09:00.000-07:00

I thought to myself today: What reasons do people have to be in the library when it's 97F outside on a beautiful Tuesday? And:
1) Faulty internet at home.
2) Absence of interlinear NT.
3) Where else but AC-permeated Hubbard in this heat?
4) Wait for friends to get out of class to meet at the Elbow to head for life-changing Indonesian food.
5) Accumulate 'coolness' before the sweltering walk home.
6) All of the above.
7) Do blogposts like this while appearing studious. Very studious.

Enjoying:
1) Issues in Christian Mission History class: a-mazing stuff to learn from Xavier, Ricci, Valignano!
2) The fact that Bollywood celebrities are like deities in their society.
3) Sweatglands that did not forget how to function.
4) Ideas for the Lonely International Students Party, aka The Lisp. What, you too?
5) Paul the apostle is sarcastic with finesse - a tad too sarcastic?
6) A vision of century-egg with ramen noodles topped with golden-brown chopped garlic, a layer of kim, thinly-sliced chicken fillet and boiled carrots. Oh! Plus some sambal.
7) That you're reading this, possibly because you're indoors somewhere, looking studious. Very studious.

Obstinately obedient Today.

2009-04-18T20:06:00.000-07:00

There is a need to shake off the dust of complacency and contentment.

A burning of bridges, a breaking of bondages.

A putting of hands to the plough, with no looking back.

A breaking of alabaster jars that cannot be restored or replaced.

A giving up of reputation and security for others' eternity.

For every place and every people, God is raising up his Jeremiahs that will stand in obstinate obedience. Those who would each day enter in to prayer to understand what breaks his heart and even bind their own hearts to his so that they break along with his.

That in the place of prayer comes forth golden prophetic voices, because they are forged in the furnace of yieldedness and brokenness.

"God, that you would take my life if it would save this nation!" Those are the intercessors God is calling forth. And they are rising up.

He is not blowing the trumpet.

We are blowing it on his behalf.

Jeremiahs, arise! Let a time of mourning precede the coming rejoicing.

Harvest is ripening, but his children are forgetting.

Not to us, O Lord, not to us!

He says, "I am preparing you for the harvest,

not tomorrow, not yesterday. It's Today!"

Would you enter into that place?

Would you hear the Jeremiah call?

Would you stand for the truth as you kneel for his mercy?

Would you wield the sickle and the trumpet, both in your hands?

Forge on, God, forge on we ask

Let your golden voices arise

Across the lands, over the sea

Every inch covered with your holy glory

He is fueling the furnace, fanning the flames

He's setting hearts ablaze, and bellies on fire

These will be men and women who would ask, "Who am I? They won't listen to me."

And He will say, "Even if they won't listen, what is that to you?"

Go!

Pass through, pass through the gates!
Prepare the way for the people.
Build up, build up the highway!
Remove the stones.
Raise a banner for the nations.

I know what it's like to feel the strong burden of the Lord and shy away from it. I know many people like that. It's painful to bear and costly to walk out. I also know that in our lives prone to mundaneness and wanderings, there is a yearning that comes out of a deep, deep place - you don't look for destiny; Destiny finds you. God is calling for those who would live out of the box, beyond themselves. Totally dependent, totally desperate. We pray that many more would be obstinately obedient to that yearning - be the prophetic message others need to hear. Choose to be that Today.

Here am I

2009-04-15T09:21:00.000-07:00

This Is True Life
Justin Rizzo

Oh the peace of pure abandon
Oh the joy of sweet surrender

‘Cause if I try and save my life I will lose it (This is true life)
But if I lose my life for your sake I’ll find it in the end (Give it all the way)

I have to give you everything
And then the yoke is easy
I have to give you everything
And then the burden is so light

And oh the peace of pure abandon
And oh the joy of sweet surrender

Life (happy holiness) is found in the letting go (joyful righteousness)
Joy (happy holiness) is found in the tearing of the heart (as I give it all away)

Your joy, your peace is found

God, everything about you is good and true. Who you are, what you do, everything about you - it's all good, it's all true. I don't want to live for myself while I promise to die for you. To be willing to die for you and your Kingdom's cause means also to live for your namesake, to live for those who bear your image. I've given up a normal life a long time ago, you know that, Lord. Even in the dark recesses of my heart, Spirit, you remind me over and over again...I can't forget. The broken pieces of the jar I crushed in the days past now lie on the ground still, next to my crown; the light of your truth is letting me see them in the shadows. Darkness looms, God, do you see the pieces? Has the nard lost its fragrance on you, and the purity of my vow long gone? No, Lord, I seek true life. If I had another jar, I'd do the same with it! God, but would you require another jar? Joy for your beloved, Lord, was your promise - I refuse to settle. Anything but normal! Oh, that I could preserve the fragrance lavished on you with sweetness that comes from constant and faithful surrender, the tearing of my heart. You know I would. That my state of brokenness marries the bliss of knowing you know me and I know you.

Yes, Lord, and amen.

(Take My Life - Chris Tomlin)
Here am I, all of me
Take my life, it's all for Thee

('David', Beyond Words musical by IFGF)
Many people are willing to give up their lives for people they love, but how many are willing to live for them?

(For This Cause - Hillsong)
I'm living for this cause
I lay down my life into your hands
I'm living for the truth
The hope of the world, in you I'll stand
'Cause all I want is you

May this be the anthem of my heart, as I walk here into eternity for your Kingdom's cause that sets others free as I bind myself to our covenant.

"I delight greatly in the LORD;

my soul rejoices in my God.

For he has clothed me with garments of salvation

and arrayed me in a robe of righteousness,

as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest,

and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.

For as the soil makes the sprout come up

and a garden causes seeds to grow,

so the Sovereign LORD will make righteousness and praise

spring up before all nations."

~ Isaiah 61:10-11

The "posture" for healing

2009-03-31T13:48:00.000-07:00

"Healing is found when you dare to love even when you're not ready to hurt."

i heard God whisper this to me when i was lying on my back 4 days ago, in balboa park (san diego) listening to a spanish guitarist 7 feet away. it was a divine moment; my eyes widened in silent, tearful awe. "I AM your Balm," says the Whisperer.

"Really?"

to extend love although your heart may be filled with trepidation.

scared of being disappointed, dropped, defamed, disadvantaged.

john mayer calls it "dreaming with a broken heart..."

and waking up is the hardest part.

so, what constitutes 'waking up'?

if one has no expectations towards others' responses to one's extension of love, does one 'wake up'? no expectations to how others would be for the better as a result of that extension, no expectations to how others reciprocate. expectations, nonetheless, realistic or not.

admittedly, i cannot imagine having no expectations when i demonstrate love, albeit the best way i understand it, however lacking in its totality and depth. we reach out in the hope that we are meaningfully impacting peoples' lives, and that we find ourselves refreshed in the process to keep giving. and giving. we call it 'mutual'.

but expectations are trappings of our ability to love in a sustained, transformational way. because expectations have deadlines. and preset notions. don't you think so?

and reciprocity? possibly overrated. so we become self-absorbed, and think "i need to heal first before i can give." but could it be that healing doesn't happen that way? that it is found in the process of embracing vulnerability at the expense of self-preservation?

in one of the books i'm reading, posture is highlighted in a most profound way. i love the insight. in retrospect, this past year has been a journey to understand a little bit more of how a person's passions communicated with a bent can be detrimental to relationships. it's really our mindful posture that opens hearts and minds. whatever you have to say to others, say it louder than your words. so, i used to be much more adamant about a lot of things. i still am, obstinately so. opinionated, some say. yet hopefully this journey of improving my listening and reflecting has bettered my posture somewhat. a little, if not much.

how is your posture in loving others? do you struggle, too?

we can posture ourselves with our guards fully up.

we can posture our hearts to open only to those we feel safe with.

we can posture our ears to hear what we wish to hear and are comfortable with.

we can posture our minds to learn based on our preconceptions and mental framework.

or, we can posture otherwise *selah*

to tread towards threatening territory with trepidation. (there's your tongue-twister for the day!)

how can i love with liberty, not so much out of confidence but trustingness? my posture determines this. to return to that whisper i started this post with: my posture, not so much to protect myself from getting hurt but loving others even when there are no guarantees, becomes the place where my healing finds perfecting by divine Providence, to truly understand agape in its purer form. when you correct your own posture, others may be more inclined to receive hesed. then, you can talk about mutual transformation.

obviously, my mulling has not finished its work.

and i'm still working on spinal correction, that's for sure.

P/S: One more thought...good posture is key to aging gracefully, too.

He calls me 'angel'.

2009-03-14T20:45:00.000-07:00

He calls me 'angel'.
My heart stops.
And I hold my breath.

You see, one of my friends is in the hospital. Struck by a sudden illness. Taken by surprise.
"Oh, you can come by this afternoon. We'll expect you."
We went to see him today, it was what made my day.
"It's good to see you guys. Thanks for coming."
He sat in his chair, in the corner, frail yet beckoning.
"We sometimes wonder why we go through the things we do, don't we?"
He spoke softly. His eyes teared up, it pained to watch. There we stood in our discomfort. I was glad we went.
"I asked God why this is happening."
His wife looked over from the side of the bed, as his voice trailed on...
"How can I make sense of all this?"
He shifted his stare, towards each of his guests.
"Surely pain has divine purpose."
I agreed, but I was not the one sitting on his chair. Heartfelt, sincere - he shared his heart. His loved ones. His concern, his ultimate burden.
"Then I thought of those I know who need reconciliation. I said to God, "If this is what it takes, make it worthwhile, Lord"."
At his words, I ached. I sang to him. We prayed. So did he. It was numbing.
"We listen in our sorrow for that whisper in the wind. It's louder than you think."
We stood in awe. Of life, of friends, of God. Presence filled the room. I wonder who's more blessed. Me, or the one sitting on a chair?
"You are angels, His ministering angels."

He called me 'angel'. Unbelievable.
So tonight I reflect, with a deep incision in my heart. O, that all pain experienced leads us into an inexchangeable, solid brokenness in our spirits that brings others to repentance and reconciliation.
Pain that drives the nail all the way through, and shatters our wrist bones of self-sufficiency and pride.
Pain that pins us to the cursed tree, in hope of life ransomed by each drop of blood.
Pain that locks our bodies in the darkness of the tomb for the rags of our filth, the filth of our mortality, to be exchanged for eternal glory.
Pain that takes the path of forgiveness, three times asking "Do you?", ever patient, never forsaking or condemning, but always restoring.
Pain that walks with the ordinary & untrained down the road of Emmaus, preferring calloused feet than calloused hearts.
Who do you think of that went through all that pain? And what shall we grasp loosely, so that we can trust fully, even in our pain? Not the people we love. Or is it?
Reconciliation = people. Pain should involve people.

Our lives are to ignite others.

Job-times, to unite brothers.

Kindness, to impart grace.

Suffering, to include those needing embrace.

Do not forget to entertain strangers, for by so doing some people have entertained angels without knowing it.

And when we forget, send angels to remind us, again and again.

In the form of a stranger in disguise, sitting in a chair.

Here In My Home

2009-03-11T03:35:00.000-07:00

Where diversity and unity is possible = Where God is.

(image taken from www.malaysianinsider.com on March 11, 2009)

Malaysians from all walks of life passing in front of a billboard showing Malaysia's ethnic diversity in downtown Kuala Lumpur. A new RM60 billion stimulus package announced by Deputy Prime Minister Datuk Seri Najib Abdul Razak is targeted at weathering the world's economic storm and cushioning the blow that will be felt by ordinary Malaysians. (Read more...) – AP pic

Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like You have loved me
Break my heart for what breaks Yours
Everything I am for Your Kingdom's cause
As I walked from earth into eternity

Hosanna...Lord. Here in my home.

Listening...

2009-03-03T15:02:00.000-08:00

A life lived listening to the decisive call of God is a life lived before one audience that trumps all others - the Audience of One. - Os Guinness

Listening.

Reflecting.

Two of the most important lifeskills I have had to learn much about. Why?

Because they act as the tracks on which a train chugs forward to where it is to go.

As in, life as a train.

I cannot fathom how to hold on to God's 'decisive call' if I cannot recall a single decisive moment in which God had taken hold of my heart, and fully. Woe, if that is true.

I cannot imagine the overwhelming sense of bewilderment I should experience if I had never listened to the orchestra that has played since as far back as I can remember, of different but distinct sounds taking place at varying tempos and trajectories over the years and months, highs and lows, but all for one symphony. It's like a note that was played last week merging with a note strummed last decade, both to find harmony with a 3rd note that is to be plucked 5 years from now. Sounds that reverberate, transcendent in time and space. If your life was one song, your days are pages of its eternal, hyperlinked, virtual score, to be completed one note at a time but not in neatly sequenced lines in time. Can you picture it???

And if you picture yourself walking through a desert trail, your insides screaming for hydration - any kind! Cast a look behind you and see all that which appear randomly strewn across the landscape of your past like pebbles on the desert ground, no conceivable pattern to the human eye but from the eagle's perch, ahh... a formation of beauty - a life well lived. If I suffer no thirst for oasis, would I stop and look around me - reflect, listen?

Backdrops to a theatre play change like scenes in a modern-day Korean drama. One minute blissful and jovial, the next ominous and sinister. Twists in the plot too dark, you say? Oh, but is it not that for which you paid? Shall we not say performance is part of life, if life is to be lived as to an audience (even) of One? Forget auditions. Forget safety nets. Forget fake knives and cushioned plunges. Forget blank bullets, artificial airguns and packed ketchup-pellets. The real thing takes real risk. When you watch something that deeply moves you, moves you to your very core, would you break the spell with words so deficient you would rather not speak too soon? Suspense. Shh! Don't talk now, pay attention to the heroine.

Do you not hear the breathing of the One sitting, engaging, watching in the shadows of His seat? You can't see his face, but you KNOW he's there. Sometimes from where you stand, you sense his movement, even the thickness of his emotions.

Are you listening for shouts you want to hear, applauds maybe? Bravo! Encore! Fantastique!

Yet...silence.

Was it good?

Hear a pin drop.

Did he like it?

Curtain!

Will he stand to his feet, and break the deafening silence with his claps of joy and a smile that says it all?

"No one could've played that role any better than you!"

"Oh, you were magnificent."

"Absolutely captivating performance."

"I don't think anybody can top that!"

Really? *smile*

All that was JUST for you, my Lord.

The only One who came to my show.

Not meant to be replayed or recorded.

I performed my best, flaws included.

Oh, your smile at the finale speaks louder than words in between!!!

It was all worth it, my audience of One.

If you only knew

2009-03-02T11:07:00.000-08:00

If you only knew,

The scribbles on the wall

Drawn with a thought so small;

I chant, I recant,

Ever so distracted,

But never too demented;

If looks could kill,

My heart has died,

Flipped over, dried,

Propped up on the side,

Overlooked, stepped aside;

Droning, rezoning,

Mindlessly toning;

Scribbles are confusing,

But the only way to being;

When the time isn't right,

Guard your heart real tight;

No one can hear,

But it's all on the wall,

Read, chant,

Do you even know?

Sound of brown leaves,

She breathes,

Nails on the hood,

He broods;

What are you writing?

I can't read.

If you only knew.

But by the...

2009-02-01T18:49:00.000-08:00

   GRACE
OF
  GOD
   .

7But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. 8We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; 9persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. 10We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. 11For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body.

Who's the Guilty One???

2009-01-26T11:19:00.000-08:00

"Come down from the cross, if you are the Son of God!" (Mt 27:40)

"...come down now from the cross, and we will believe in him." (42)

"come down from the cross and save yourself!" (Mk 15:30)

"...come down now from the cross, that we may see and believe." (32)

"...let him save himself if he is the Christ of God, the Chosen One." (Lk 23:35)

You know what? The Chosen One chose me. And you. Each of us who have gone astray.

Jesus answered, "You would have no power over me if it were not given to you from above. Therefore the one who handed me over to you is guilty of a greater sin." (Jn 19:11, emphasis mine)

The question I am ruined by is: Who is that one who handed him over to be crucified?

Pilate?

The Jews?

Judas the betrayer?

Peter the denier?

Us the sinners?

Satan the accuser?

Or God the Father Himself?

That power given from above. Surely no one has that authority other than God Himself? The one who "handed me over to you"? And..."guilty of a greater sin"??!

I hope my following proposal would not convey blasphemy to the extent of preventing you (the reader) from identifying with what I'm truly wrestling with as I ponder on this. Bear with me: I propose that God's greatest 'sin' was loving me so much that he handed Jesus over to be crucified. That he chose to withhold nothing less than the worst possible, to make available for my choosing the best possible. That he resolutely surrendered, at all costs. A scandalous love so extravagant, a sin so great yet he was willing to commit --- it shames me to consider it!

Oh, for this blasphemous wonderment my heart is wrecked.

Made himself nothing. Humbled himself. Obedient to death - even death on a cross! How can I respond with anything less than all of me? How can I, for that matter, live my life following Christ with mediocrity rather than resolute giving up of any attempts to 'save yourself' for immediate gains?

I CHOOSE HIM, KING JESUS, MY GOD AND SAVIOR.

I, the worst choice conceivable, choose he who chose me over himself.

I choose You.

And for this 'sin', I am willing to be guilty of for the rest of my life.

A Response Fit For a Queen

2009-01-23T02:00:00.000-08:00

"And who knows but that you have come to royal position for such a time as this?"

I wonder if these words rocked Esther's world.

We know it changed the course of her destiny. In fact, the lives of her people were spared because of her response to these words.

Imagine if she responded differently.

I read Esther's story, and I see glimpses of huge destiny lessons to be learnt:

2:12 -> Preparation is key. The outcome is uncertain, the competition extreme, therefore spare nothing but give it the best you've got. It takes a drawn-out process to "become". The preparation takes longer than that anticipated moment of victory, but still very necessary. So, be extravagant in training. No shortcuts.

2:15 -> Trust God's favor to work wonders. You've gone through the process of preparation, so when God says you're ready you are. Trying to impress people by bringing more than required would be a bad idea. Leave behind what isn't needed, take only what Holy Spirit says to take. Less is more.

2:16 -> There's no better timing than divine timing. When the hands of the clock (as a figure of speech, of course) are rightly positioned, the fullness of time has come. Completeness. Perfection. And only God knows exactly when. Be aware of timing and on the lookout for His appointed times.

2:17 -> Don't underestimate people. Sometimes those we never expected to "turn out well" do. The quiet, unassuming ones. The wallflowers. The plain-faced ones. The backbenchers. With the right ingredients, i.e. preparation + God's favor + divine timing, you would be surprised!

2:18 -> Watch and learn. For the king to give a great banquet for Esther was a culturally significant gesture, particularly with those he invited to join at table to share their meal. He was making a statement. Esther would later prepare two banquets for the king and her enemy Haman (5:4, 8). She interpreted the culture, and was intentional in communication.

Been pondering on our identity as kings and priests (1 Pet 2:9-10). Heard a powerfully whispered message recently by Bob Sorge that highlighted Esther's banquets to me. She prepared two banquets, knowing full well that she would invite both the king (her husband) and Haman (her nemesis). Why twice??? Could it be that she felt one banquet wasn't enough because she wanted to make sure the king was affirmed of her affection for him, that she was not challenging his kingly decree like Vashti did, that she fully respected him for his decisions and wasn't questioning his wisdom? Could it be that she knew the best way to tackle Haman was to have her beloved act on her behalf out of mutual trust, that she could expose her enemy for the king to take him on, without him feeling she is defying his royal decree?

If that is true, if that is why Esther thought it wise to lavish her love on her king before exposing the enemy and asking he be disposed of, then we can approach tough times in a totally different way. When you face tough times, and you wonder if the source was God or the devil or you brought it on yourself, think about the 2 banquets. Sure, circumstances in your life - including the super-hate-able ones, could be caused by the devil or yourself, but ultimately it's God who either allows / instigates them. Really.

So how do you make your case to the One who is responsible for the opposition you face in life?

How do you take on the enemy without challenging the King's wisdom?

How do you respond when a crisis happens, when you know the enemy is involved, but God is involved in it too?

Imagine if you responded differently.

Pilgrimage

2009-01-10T19:14:00.000-08:00

My heart is captivated tonight, as it has been for the past 4 weeks, on this word - PILGRIMAGE.

Conjures up an image of a sojourner with a satchel on her back, stumbling occasionally along the weathered trail, and where the road winds uneven and narrow she slows down to catch her breath. On she tracks with blisters on her heels, grasping tight onto a walking stick when her muscles fail, when the winds bellow during the upward hikes she pauses with a gnawing temptation to turn around and go back, because the misty fog approaches around the bend. When it gets hard to see, when food supply runs out and water gets scarce, when the air thins and temperature drops, when climbing companions become few and far between, when clothing wears out and reason fails, when there is every reason to "go back where you came from", when safety precautions demand self-preservation, on she tracks. Faith is spelt R.I.S.K. "I'm with you, even to the ends of the earth," whispers her guide, Pneuma. Because she's heading somewhere, and she HAS to get there. On she tracks...

"Blessed are those whose strength is in you, those who set their hearts on pilgrimage." ~ Ps 84:5

The word hijrah i.e. 'pilgrimage' in bahasa (هِجْرَة) means 'to move'. There is a Qur'an-ic phrase called IMAN-HIJRAH-JIHAD, which essentially means FAITH-PILGRIMAGE-STRUGGLE. And this depicts our life in Christ extremely well. The word 'pilgrimage' cannot be separated from the words 'faith' and 'struggle', because to move towards a greater understanding of life and God denotes a struggle against our flesh, our self, our natural inclinations, that which betrays ignorance of divine truth. Glimpses of God's revelation moves us along on our journey of faith, forces us out of our preconceptions and misconceptions, breaks us out of our comfortable settlement so that we have no choice but to embark on pilgrimage. Yes, it's a struggle, but we step out in faith. Our whole lives are a journey. My life is to be lived towards heaven, and here on earth I move along, one place to another, station after station, knowing ultimately I'm heading home where "My Father's house has many rooms". It is said that "this world is not our home". What's important is to know where your home is. But what's MORE important is to know that your journey IS how you find revelation of the One who IS your home. If you pause to look back on your tracks to see where you have stepped, perhaps you might be surprised to see hints of Pneuma walking with you when you least expected. He is as much in your past as He is in your present. And you can be sure He will be with you in your future. Until you reach home.

If you could see your whole life in eternity's perspective, how differently you would approach your everyday decisions. Less attached to things of this world, less resistant of His unexpected directions, less iffy about how stable life should be.

Set your eyes on things above.

Set your hearts on pilgrimage.

The pilgrim and her Pneuma walking side by side.

Satu Suara (One Voice)

2009-01-09T10:43:00.005-08:00

A song written by Juwita Suwito for BersatUnite:

Excerpt from MALAYSIAN INSIDER

KUALA LUMPUR, Jan 9 - Police have tightened security around US-owned concerns in Malaysia in the aftermath of Israeli invasion of Gaza as Friday prayer sermons called for a boycott of those with interests in the US and Israel apart from stopping use of the American dollar. (read more)

It breaks my heart when I lean in to hear God's heart. How it ruins us when we pray, "God, show me your heart. I want to know what you're feeling." That we may be in agreement with him when we pray God's agenda above all other agendas. Recently at OneThing KC there were significant moments when we interceded for the nations, especially Israel, in preparation for Christ's return. Those representing 3 major people groups were called forth on the final conference night. Asians were highlighted as God's formidable force for this hour. I felt a longing in my heart that I cannot describe. A longing that I'm certain many who cry "Maranatha!" feel in deep groaning. The longing of the Bridegroom.

O God, that your chosen ones may be bold enough to lean in close to your heart to hear your heart and know your ache, to burn with a longing resembling yours to see nations healed and families transformed. How do we pray, what can we say? God, teach me how. That there be a holy invasion of shekinah through prayer, a radical boycott of ra'a' through fasting. Teach your disciples unity with wisdom, when earthly rulers pit us against each other. Whose side do we stand on, whose political agenda do we adhere to? I don't belong to any nation more than to yours, ultimately. Can we see BersatUnite across Malaysia and USA impacting nations along the road B2J, Lord? You love Israel, you love US too. You love the Arabs, the Jews, the Asians, the WWW! All of us! Amplify your heartbeat in our ears, magnify the travail in our souls, that we be driven - compelled! - to a final loyalty to your Kingdom, not torn between 2 nations, to find security of our heavenly citizenship. We submit to authority, God, but we fear you above all - this is my Friday prayer. Iya Tuhan, patahkan egoisme kami, tapi pulihkan gerejaMu di saat ini.

Amin.

The Feast of Hajj

2008-12-07T14:18:00.007-08:00

(Photo taken from The Malaysian Insider)

Idul Adha (atau di Malaysia dan Singapura, Hari Raya Haji, bahasa Arab: عيد الأضحى) adalah sebuah hari raya Islam. Pada hari ini diperingati peristiwa kurban, yaitu ketika nabi Ibrahim(Abraham), yang bersedia untuk mengorbankan putranya Ismail untuk Allah, akan mengorbankan putranya Ismail, kemudian digantikan oleh-Nya dengan domba.

Translation to English: Idul Adha (or in Malaysia and Singapore, Hari Raya Haji, in arabic: عيد الأضحى) is an Islamic feast. This day commemorates the event of sacrifice, when prophet Ibrahim (Abraham), who was willingly ready to sacrifice his prince/son Ismail for Allah, was about to sacrifice his prince/son Ismail, He provided a ram in place of him.

"Feasting is associated with sacrifice."

That's one of the few profound statements I've included in the paper I'm working on for finals (well, you may not think it's all that profound, but I do). Love what I'm learning while writing this paper.

Dec 7 is the day of Hajj for Muslims around the world. There are: sacrifices, symbolic stoning of the devil, sermons on Mt Arafat, slaughtering of animals for the feast. The imagery of this Islamic feast isn't dissimilar to Jewish feasts. Feasting is both a portrayal and prefigure to the Kingdom of God. It plays a part in missio Dei.

On this mountain the LORD Almighty will prepare a feast of rich food for all peoples, a banquet of aged wine
- the best of meats and the finest of wines.
On this mountain he will destroy the shroud that enfolds all peoples,
the sheet that covers all nations;
he will swallow up death forever.
[Tuhan ALLAH] will wipe away the tears from all faces;
he will remove the disgrace of his people from all the earth.
The LORD has spoken.
In that day they will say,
"Surely this is our [Allah]; we trusted in him, and he saved us.
This is the LORD, we trusted in him;
let us rejoice and be glad in his salvation."
~ Isaiah (Yesaya) 25:6-9 with al-Kitab equivalent

Thorn.

2008-12-04T22:27:00.005-08:00

The single common denominator of men and women who achieve great things and make history is a clear, central sense of destiny.

1) You step into your destiny every time you listen to what your heart carries.

Your heart carries crazy passions and ambitious dreams - raw, unjaded, of another 'world' - stuff that are beyond yourself.

Knowing to live without these dreams is to not live at all. Being awakened to dreams deep inside is to be ALIVE to Possibilities, Potential, Potency of focus, Power of the Divine.

And Poverty of the self.

2) Because you also step into your destiny when you look in the mirror of reality.

Knowing to live out these dreams is to come to terms with your humanity. Your mortality. Your humanness. Your...limitations. The chasm between you and what you dream.

Pick a dream you've always had. Something you pray for, wish for. Hope for.

Don't you feel so alive when you dare, even for a few seconds of the day (preferably more!), to imagine that dream? To wonder, get curious?! The what-ifs. And your heart beats faster just thinking about the possibility. Oh, man! All that I imagine would happen when I dream what God + me + the world looks like. Change. Revolution. Destiny.

And then, you hit the ground. Feel that thorn in your human flesh.

Don't you feel SO handicapped? So inept??

"That's not gonna happen."

"Maybe someone else."

"Impossible."

"I don't have what it takes."

"It's just a dream."

BUT HE SAID TO ME, "MY GRACE IS SUFFICIENT FOR YOU, FOR MY POWER IS MADE PERFECT IN WEAKNESS." THEREFORE I WILL BOAST ALL THE MORE GLADLY ABOUT MY WEAKNESSES, SO THAT CHRIST'S POWER MAY REST IN ME.

(2 Corinthians 12:9)

So tonight God spoke to me about this.

Whatever your wildest dreams, go for it. Be the weakest possible, in the sense of fully experiencing what it means to be like Paul. Feel pain because you can't do it? Good!

Paul and his thorn.

If you dream about being the best teacher to urban kids, be the weakest best teacher.
If you dream about starting the most amazing shelter for the homeless, be the weakest lover-of-the-homeless.
If you dream about making history as the greatest architect ever, or the 'awesomest' philanthropist, or the craziest inventor, or the loudest remembered mime actress, BE THE BEST WEAKEST ONE.

I wanna be the weakest leader, simply in following the Strongest Leader of them all, in the most intimate way possible.

I wanna be a history maker, just walking side-by-side with the One who writes my history, where my future lies. Your future lies in your past. In the past, He found me in my weakness. My futility of self-effort. My brokenness. My insufficiency. My mortal limitations.

Why lose the magic of that brokenness, if that is where God meets you?!?

Carry passions and dreams in your heart with an ever-present THORN.

Blessed are the poor in spirit.

May we always be found lesser so that He may be more.

May we walk in deeper weakness so that His greater power may take over .

God's POWER + our POVERTY + the world's POSSIBILITIES

It is good to be ambitious. Learnt that from Oswald Sanders (and many others).

It is good AND godly to be ambitious AND inept. Weak.

Unwillingness to be weak = Imperfect power of God.

HIS POWER IS MADE PERFECT IN WEAKNESS.

You never know why you're alive...

2008-11-21T17:25:00.005-08:00

Until you know what you would die for...

The question is not, "How much can I still do in the years that are left to me?"; the question is, "How can I prepare myself for total surrender so my life can be fruitful?" - Henri Nouwen

The difference is in surrender, to not strive. I am understanding ever more slightly, this is what it means to be free!

You see, the greatest and best thing about living with purpose is to yada' The Purpose. To just BE, with the One who IS my goal. The reason why I'm here. Not to be with Him so that I know my goals. He is my Goal. Not to come to Him so that I know how to live strategically. He IS my most strategic Way to know the Truth for Life. That's how to live your best life now!

What will I do after this?

What's my next step?

What will I be doing in 5-10 years' time?

Where will I go?

Where will I be stationed?

How can I learn what I need to for the future?

I don't know.

Sure, I want to know, and You do direct my steps. But I don't need to know in order to trust You.

I DO know I'll go where You go.

Not only that. I know where I go You'll go with me.

So. My life has never been this clear.

"There is a great charm not to know, but just watch Him unfold His purposes." - Oswald Chambers

Mercy Me - I Would Die For You

(this song is rocking my world and breaking my 'self' down)

And I know that I can find You here
'Cause You promised me You'll always be there
Times like these, it's hard to see
But somehow I have a peace You're near
And I pray that You will use my life
In whatever way Your name is glorified
Even if surrendering means
Leaving everything behind

My life has never been this clear
Now I know the reason why I'm here
You never know why you're alive
Until you know what you would die for
I would die for You

And I know I don't have much to give
But I promise You I'll give You all there is
Can I possibly do less
When through Your own death I live

No greater love is found
Than of those who lay their own lives down
As sure as I live and breathe
Now I know what it means to be free

"Life reduced to fellowship with Christ makes the complicated very simple. We follow and He guides; we follow and He gives; we follow and He acts. In other words, we do not do anything but keep with Him, and then He does all the necessary things. Who would not walk with a Master who works like this?" - Henry W. Frost

Rest In You

2008-11-08T02:42:00.004-08:00

(by Hillsong)

Your faithfulness endures always

The mountains fall, and reason fails

And You calm the raging seas

And You calm the storms in me

Again

All I know is I find rest in You

My heart will praise throughout the night

Where singing seems a sacrifice

And You calm the raging seas

And You calm the storms in me

Again

Your grace is all I need

Is it so bad not to know all you want to know about your future?
Is it so important that God makes it clear for you what's coming?
Is it too hard to see that where God wants you right now is simply for you to BE and not DO?

No.

No, it's not.

So there are times when I forget. Forget the moments when I had settled the matter with self and with God. Forget I had embraced theologia crucis. Forget I had prayed, "My home is where You want me, O Lord".

God told Abram (read: me): Leave...for a land that I will show you.

So Abram (read: I) left.

God appeared.

Abram (read: I) built an altar.

He (read: I) moved on from there...and pitched his (read: my) tent...built an altar there and prayed to God.

Abram (read: I) kept moving...

All I need to know is I want to find rest in You.

NOVEMBER 4th

2008-11-02T20:58:00.005-08:00

November 4th will be a momentous day in history.

MALAYSIA

What do you believe about the NEP? Or is it MEA? What's your view? Perhaps you haven't thought about it at all.

"...When Datuk Seri Najib Razak goes before Parliament tomorrow, he will sketch a grim picture of the global economic turmoil and its impact on Malaysia, and drastically revise the economic growth forecast for next year.

He will also have to manage the rising expectations that his announcement tomorrow is the equivalent of a silver bullet to all the hardship Malaysians will face in the next few months..." (read more)

There has never been a more crucial time to stand as a watchman for our nation. 26 million in population. Many lost without hope. But if only there's one man "among them who would build up a wall and stand before [GOD] in the gap on behalf of the land..." - Eze 22:30

UNITED STATES

Sand sculpture on Puri beach, India

Read Jaeson's post for what I believe to be my stand on Prop 8, and how I would vote, if I were a US citizen. It is most representative of my conviction. Although I'm not, I stand in prayer with my American friends who carry this burden at this critical hour.

As Christians, we need to know clearly (1) the TRUTH we are to profess according to a sound interpretation of the bible, and (2) the LOVE we are to demonstrate according to the message of grace. It is not an either/or issue, but a both/and issue. It's impossible to have a strong faith that does not 'interfere' with 'secular' affairs. Some think it is, they call it separation of church and state. Yes, the church does not always fully and rightly represent God's truth and love, we know that throughout history. But without God, what would be the state of 'state'? The compromise of truth because truth has failed to be the norm cannot make the inherently false become truth. And what is false contrary to God's truth is sin. It does, however, make the norm 'legalized sin'.

November 4th.

No better time to be the citizen of one while being sent to do mission in another. As someone once said, "The world is my parish." And another, "This world is not my home." Yet another, "Be the change you want to see in the world." And yet Another, "Ask of Me, and I will give you the nations as your inheritance."

The rise and fall of nations are under the rule of One Ultimate King.

"...a King who will reign wisely and do what is just and right in the land." - Jer 23:5b

P.R.A.Y.

SELAH

2008-10-22T11:52:00.003-07:00

I was just telling Sarah on the phone last night that I needed a pause sometime soon. "I think I wanna pause and rethink so I can make some minor but intentional decisions about how to posture my learning. I need to selah." "Oh, totally! Selah's good." "Most likely Friday." "Sounds great!"

Praise the LORD, O my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name.

Earlier in the afternoon before that conversation, I had just spent some time thinking with Jesus, when I was reminded of Psalm 103...

Praise the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits -

It hit me. Since I got here in June 'til now, with trainings and a trip to Asia and back, I had not fallen sick. Not a hint of flu or whatever. So thankfulness just welled up inside of me...I don't wanna take good health for granted. I'm so thankful that I'm healthy and alive :)

who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases,

I had such a good chat with my fam on Skype yesterday morning. It was super-early and I was like a dead fish at 7am, but it was so good. Don't you just love technology? So I got to see Tipper (my sis' lil puppy) and call out to him over the internet and watch him perk up his ears. Been catching up with lots more people on a more consistent basis. Not regular, just more consistent. Those of you who haven't replied my emails, it's ok, I forgive you. Just like you forgave me.

who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion,

From one of my classes, our study of leadership in the Bible focuses on 2 particular persons: Habakkuk and Nehemiah. It occurred to me that selah shows up in Habakkuk's 3rd chapter a remarkable number of times - 3 times in just that chapter! So imagine : Praise. Pause. Praise. Pause. Praise. Pause. Praise.

(If you have two kids, it'd be fun to name one Praise and the other Pause. You can get some worship rhythm goin)

God takes you through awesome moments, but He also shapes you through narrow circumstances. Even when you can't see any good in your life, even when you question God's solution to your prayers, even when all the trees around you wither up and die and bear no fruit.

who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.

Habakkuk struggled with God, we see that in Chapters 1-2. But come to Chapter 3, it's almost like a different person. Hmm...maybe he WAS, huh? Maybe a different perspective (yours vs God's) shapes you to become a different person (your you vs God's you). Like, you go through a narrow place and you get squeezed out of shape and come out from the other end looking different. More importantly, the change happens inside. Your substance becomes strained and strengthened and you squeeze through SOARING...like an eagle.

So, from meditating on 103 yesterday and thinking when my selah will be, today's chapel (every Wed 10am) introduced a very mindblowing word. Yup, you guessed it. SELAH.

No way!

And THEN the chaplain says, "Let's meditate on Psalm 103 together."

My heart skipped a beat.

Daddy God, you set me up.

Nice one.

I get the message.

eklektos

2008-10-10T16:44:00.002-07:00

If the purpose of the church's existence is to fulfill God's mission on earth, what IS God's mission? And to what extent has the catholic church grasped that purpose, the very reason for its existence, throughout these 20 centuries? Consider that God chose to reveal Himself through the unfolding drama of redemption from the time of creation, of which a primary means of that revelation was in establishing a covenantal relationship with the man we know as Abraham. Then since the sealing of that covenant, all of Scripture show glimpses how we can know that God is a God of faithfulness, because He both provided (1) the contract itself, a 'measure' to which He can be faithful (with or without man's faithfulness), and (2) the circumstances in which His faithfulness can be revealed, as we now have that 'measure' to which faithfulness can be directed. An example would be like me making a promise to a friend to be there for her when she's in trouble, and then making sure she experiences enough situations that would prove my intent to keep my word, until she is fully convinced. It's not the most well-pondered example, but for today's meditation this would suffice.

God says throughout the Bible that His chosen people are His treasured possession, "...a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation...". To be elect = to be chosen. The Greek word 'eklektos' is defined as those who are picked out of the larger group for special favor and privileges. Was it for privileges, or were privileges a subset of the entirety of God's missional intent? Perhaps the reason for God's election was not so much for privileges as much as it was for service. Perhaps to be God's elect means to serve the nations of the earth, that they may know "[He] is the Lord Almighty, God of heaven and earth." And where that purpose of election is remembered and demonstrated by the eklektos, God's people are playing their part in the missio dei. Adversely, when the eklektos become exclusive, concerned only with themselves and appropriating God's favor and compassion purely for their own preservation, God's people then suffer from a lack of purpose, become blinded to God's revealing of His nature by their selfish inwardness, and cease to take part in the unveiling of His glory until "the waters cover the sea". In other words, the church loses its meaning.

I love this definition (from Wikipedia, where else?!):

When kept in the context of the Scriptures, missio Dei correctly emphasizes that God is the initiator of His mission to redeem through the Church a special people for Himself from all of the peoples (τα εθνη) of the world. He sent His Son for this purpose and He sends the Church into the world with the message of the gospel for the same purpose.

Does God use the story of His elect and His dealings with them in relation to the nations/Gentiles to provoke His own people to consider His mission in its entirety? Does He want those who call themselves God's people, the church, to know that He directs His favor on them not because they are meant to keep it, but that it gives the 'outsiders' a reason to desire Him and experience His favor too? That God uses people like Rahab of Jericho who put her faith in Yahweh because she saw how the Lord God was with Israel is not just so Rahab is converted to Him but that Israel herself is converted to know her God in the fullness of His nature and character?

Apart from those who do not yet know Him (by 'know', I mean to 'have a close relationship with'), how would you come to understand that God is a God of love and compassion?

Apart from those who haven't experienced His power, how would you know God heals the sick and opens blind eyes?

And that they need Him too, because He has shown you His awesomeness?

Read it all the days of your life.

2008-10-09T16:57:00.003-07:00

"It is to be with him, and he is to read it all the days of his life so that he may learn to revere the LORD his God and follow carefully all the words of this law and these decrees and not consider himself better than his brothers and turn from the law to the right or to the left." Deu 17: 19-20

I've now had my 2nd week of classes. This quarter I'm taking 3 classes, I wanna attempt 4 for some quarters. Fuller has been simultaneously everything I expected and not. Which is great, I'm loving the challenge. As an international student, I can definitely feel the difference with which people respond to me once they know I'm from Malaysia. Very interesting...

On occasion people I meet on campus ask me, "What do you want here? What's your prayer?"

The only reply that I stick to when asked, the only prayer need I share most often, is that my time of studying here will not cause me to be puffed up in knowledge but void of life transformation. In essence, what I'm really desiring is a heart that reveres God more. To study the Scriptures (both in and outside of class) in such a way as to grow in reverence for my God.

(If the question was, "what brought you here, halfway across the globe?" I'd give a different answer altogether. Maybe that would be another post.)

One of my professors asked in class, "Have you been reading your Bible lately? What has God been speaking to you about?" Isn't it great that this Q is asked in seminary? Hilarious yet necessary. In reflection these couple of weeks, the verses God has used to shape my life over the past 10 years have been making a comeback in my thoughts and finding their way to my heart. You know how, like a Heroes rerun, you see some connections you never did previously? I love how God draws a person to Himself, directs him/her to grow in that relationship, and develops the character in Christ toward divine calling as part of His universal plan - so BIG yet personal. I can recall the first time the Word of God interacted with me, when His Word was more real than it ever had been before that day.

"Although the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, your teachers will be hidden no more; with your own eyes you will see them. Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, "This is the way; walk in it." " Isa 30:20-21

That was one rhema I never forgot, and the 1st time I wept because I KNEW He was speaking to me. God does that. Getting a rhema word from Him like that can never be equated with any other string of letters, no matter how philosophically profound or intelligent or illuminating or inspiring. Inspired versus inspiring. Since then, there have been many other life verses. My own current definition of rhema = a timely word spoken out of the Divine's complete and perfect knowledge of you with exactness that both transcends yet speaks to your limitations and experiences.

So, I've been seeing some connections in this rerun that I never did.

When God gives you a word, cling on to it. Hold fast to His every syllable, but above all hold fast to Him. Over the course of your life, how He reveals His heart, His nature, His character to you...hold fast to that, never let go. You may look back 10 years (or less/more) from now, and marvel at His timeliness, His lovingkindness, His mind-blowing, heart-piercing, tongue-tying knowledge of who you are and JUST what you need to hear. Yet you can be assured that He will even go beyond that, and speak prophetic words that becomes your sustenance far into the future, words that decades later still find their way into your heart to further bring life transformation.

"It is the Lord your God you must follow, and him you must revere. Keep his commands and obey him; serve him and hold fast to him." Deu 13:4

No other book does that.

No other GOD does that.

The Tilt Has Begun.

2008-09-17T01:04:00.008-07:00

"I have a dream."

It is often said that a nation can be changed by just one man.

Abraham challenged God on Sodom and Gomorrah. Sounded like a numbers-game, if you followed the conversation. But he cared.

Moses' sincere intercession held off God's judgment on the Israelites. Selfless, plague-stopping intercession. More than once, too.

Hannah.

Gideon.

Deborah.

Esther.

Hezekiah.

Josiah.

Mary.

John the Baptist.

Then there was Jonah.

Ahab.

Judas.

And remember David and his 30 mighty men?

A 30-men band can build or topple a government/nation. Even just 1 man, for that matter. "Merdeka! Merdeka! Merdeka!"

The destiny of nation(s) or a whole generation.

I remember those times when I played pinball, and each time that I had to play 'tilt' means I'd lose the game.

The tilt has begun.

Toward which side will Malaysia tilt, Lord? Will tilt lead to topple?

O Lord, have Your way.

National Anthem

Negaraku
(My country)
Tanah tumpahnya darahku
(My native land)
Rakyat hidup bersatu dan maju
(The people live united and progressive)
Rahmat bahagia, Tuhan kurniakan
(May God bestow mercy and blessing)
Raja kita selamat bertakhta
(May our ruler reign established on his throne)

May our Ruler reign established on His throne.

Contend for Malaysia

2008-09-12T20:21:00.004-07:00

(excerpt from inquirer.net)

Malaysian bloggers, journalists brace for wider crackdown

AT least two bloggers, a journalist, and one opposition politician were arrested under Malaysia’s Internal Security Act (ISA) on September 12 in what media and activists are afraid may be the start of a wider crackdown ahead of an anticipated opposition push to gain control of parliament next week, the Southeast Asian Press Alliance (SEAPA) said.

more...

------------

I humbly ask that you guys stand with me in prayer for my nation. Regardless of your nationality.

And to Eklektos, it's time to wedge your knees into the ground.

The Malaysian ruling party Barisan National appears threatened by the opposition which has now been given a stronger voice than ever before from recent controversies. There are now rising fears that more arrests are being planned by the ISA and that these 4 detainees are only part of a much wider crackdown campaign. The disturbing resemblance to the incidences that led up to Operasi Lalang back in 1987 when many politicians, activists, academics were detained does give ground to these fears. Following a threat by the government last week to suspend 3 Malaysian newspapers (one of which is published by the opposition), now the arrest of these 4 persons add to the political and racial tension building up in Malaysia since the March elections, and stirs an unrest amongst the people.

We need to pray for Malaysia.

For justice, righteousness, truth.

"...Can a country be born in a day or a nation be brought forth in a moment?...Do I bring to the moment of birth and not give delivery?" says the LORD. --- Isa 66:8-9

To those of you interceding for Malaysia faithfully, do not doubt that the Lord hears, He will be true to His word and will not stop halfway through delivery.

Return to Him, declare a holy fast, call a sacred assembly. Rend your hearts and not your garments

Contend for revival and transformation!

Contend for justice, righteousness, truth.

Contend for Malaysia.

Oh How He Loves Me

2008-09-11T23:25:00.004-07:00

i was wondering how jesus felt when he was walking towards the river to get baptized by his cousin. his siblings didn't really get him, his parents wanted him to toe the line and couldn't understand why he didn't...he really didn't have much going for him.

i can almost feel jesus' excitement walking to that river. mingled with calmness and peace. maybe a hint of humor as he thought of john's anticipated reaction. hundreds of people are gathering around as john baptizes them one by one with his disciples' help. imagine jesus' sandaled-feet nearing the water's edge and john looks up to see him approaching. jesus says, "hey john! my turn." john thinks, "ah! he's going to baptize me now." he begins to bend his knees and stoop low but jesus stops him. "no, i mean YOU baptize me." he smiles at john's shocked expression. there's a hush upon the crowd.

i'd love to have been there to see it with my own eyes. what joy it brings to my heart knowing that it was one of jesus' most significant moments with his heavenly dad, and that whole incident was recorded JUST for me to read. before he had done ANY miracles or given his 1st ever sermon, jesus' identity as beloved Son was permanently and publicly affixed. God's love for him was agape.

jesus while on earth walked in the fullness of grace and love. he was sinless and perfect. he was a man yet also deity, the FULL expression of God's glory! wouldn't that make him the most desirable person you could set your sights on? wouldn't that make him the most beloved of all, the most worthy? and God loved him. but he later took on the ugly cloak of our sin. instead of the Spirit descending on him in bodily form like a dove, in stark contrast he clothed himself with our shame and chose separation from the father for our sake. one who is my fiery love, so desirable and beautiful, became despised and unattractive, scorned on the cross in the most cruel way to die. for God so loved the world...

isaiah 53 says, "...he had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him, nothing in his appearance that we should desire him...despised and rejected by men...we esteemed him not."

i wanna stop and ponder.

1) the most beautiful person who ever walked the earth, he's God's beloved son, in whom He is well pleased.

2) the brutalized, hated Jewish man on the cross between 2 criminals, screaming at the top of his collapsing lungs, "Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?"

same man. and he tells me he loves me.

same God. he traded his beauty for me.

has it ever occured to you that JESUS the most beloved and beautiful made himself undesirable and weak so that the MOST undesirable and weak can become the most beloved and beautiful?

You Fool!

2008-08-27T17:40:00.004-07:00

Reading through Genesis-Exodus (still!). So good!

Yesterday morning I read from Jacob through Moses. As I went over Exodus 2-3, God's personal message for the day hit me like a ton of bricks.

(Below a non-theological take! If your theological feathers are ruffled you're most welcome to respond anyway)

- God made a lopsided covenant with Abraham: non-bilateral, fully unconditional, pure grace. No matter how messed-up or unfaithful Abraham could be, God would fullfill it.

- God had Isaac in mind since the beginning. No old womb could stop him. Even his future wife and how they met (camels included). Time and again, He shows that He 'sees' and 'hears'.

- God pursued Jacob's whole-hearted devotion. Arranged dates just to meet with him, even a whole night of wrestling. Renamed him, and then reminded him. Blessed him with a soccer-team-sized brood of kids.

- God set Joseph up for a fall. Into the pit. Then prison. Then palace, overnight. Denied him authority, only to position him for top governmental position.

- God called Moses who grew up with Egypt's finest only after he'd been cast out in the wilderness and lost all influence to return and do the impossible. Out of touch with Egyptian and Hebrew culture. Foolish and ridiculous. Just what God wants. Moses rebutted, God re-rebutted.

Everything God does, He does. He doesn't force, but He doesn't back down. He doesn't choose for you, but gets in your way til you see the street light and His signpost. When He wants your heart, He's dead serious. Like, literally.

Everytime you look at yourself and think "I can't do this", "I don't know how", "God, send someone else", "Oh no, not me!", "but I can't speak well", "I just need more training", "they won't listen to me"...you're potentially laughing at what God can do. And putting your trust in your 'I' more than God. Oh, He loves to choose the foolish to shame the wise.

It's SO foolish to use a baker and cupbearer to be Joseph's new prison-mates.

To open Sarah's womb when she's so old when someone else could've birthed Isaac.

To tell Abraham to give up his only son who's supposed to carry on his promised lineage.

To use Jacob, a conniving man, to father the tribes of Israel. To manage a soccer team would've been more believable.

To have Moses cast out of Egypt and then tell him to go back and meet Pharaoh when he's more like a desert wildman than a royal prince. And tell him to do tricks like changing a staff into a snake, that's supposed to convince Pharaoh?!

"Who am I, Lord?"

Exactly.

So foolish. So inept. So incapable of doing things right. Such an unlikely choice for divine purposes and great plans.

Ahh...but JUST what God needs.

Under the weight of the ton of bricks, I asked God for a foolish generation.

One that fully recognizes its need for Him, completely in touch with their lack of ability. A generation that may seem culturally awkward, alien yet anointed. Prioritizes making disciples more than making sense. Ridiculously obedient and radically counter-worldly.

If ever you think God made a 'wrong choice' when it comes to you and your calling, I hope you can see just how 'wrong' a choice you are. Grace is so much bigger then. And your desperation for Him to confound the wise through you. Precisely because you are so foolish to believe He could be right when He chose you.

God, I ask You for a generation so foolish to believe in You, to believe that You want their undivided devotion, and think that they can be of any use at all. Make their hearts so incapable of functioning without acknowledging they are nothing without You. That they be captured by Your voice to the point they can seem irrational but cause people to notice Your love is real and can change lives because they foolishly let You change theirs.

Thought of the day: Risk is not calculated by the probability of success but the nobility of its cause. Faith is not calculated by the probability of fulfillment but the reliability of its Source.

2008-08-21T19:03:00.004-07:00

(taken from NECF website)

THE LORD REVIVES (40-Day Fast & Pray)
Transforming the Nation Through the Local Church

This year's NECF National Prayer Conference will be held from 28-30 August. We are

excited at what God is doing in the prayer movement as He continues to raise many to

cry out for mercy for our land.

Many Christian leaders regard the current 5-year period as a season of grace

-- a kairos moment given to the Church to contribute towards nation building. Every church plays significant role in impacting the nation and bringing about transformational change in society.

"Revival occurs when men and women are on fire for God" - John Wesley

Speak to God

Speak to God in repentance and confession of our sins - Ps 51:1-4, 10-13
Ps 51:1-2 "Have mercy on me, O God, because of your unfailing love. Because of your great compassion, blot out the stain of my sins. Wash me clean from my guilt. Purify me from my sin."
Speak to God often - Eph 6:18
Eph 6:18 "Pray at all times and on every occasion in the power of the Holy Spirit. Stay alert and be persistent in your prayers for all Christians everywhere"
Worship God in spirit and in truth - John 4

Speak to others
Speak to others words of honor and affection - Rom 12:9-13
Don’t just pretend you love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Stand on the side of the good. Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other
Speak to others words of blessings - Col 4:6
Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.
Speak to others words of peace - Rom 12:18
"Do your part to live in peace with everyone, as much as possible"
Quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to get angry – James 1:19

DARE YOU TO DESIRE

2008-08-20T16:59:00.007-07:00

Know that verse "Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart" ?

Ever wonder what that means to you and me?

I've always known that verse. People always talk about how when you put God first all the time and in everything, He'll give you what you want. Sometimes I have a problem with that interpretation, lacks depth and does not pierce my heart the way it now has. 1st, it makes God sound uber-demanding, a whipcracking 'you can only want what I want' kinda god. 2nd, it makes me fear selfishness, like I'd prioritize God only to the extent that I want something from Him. Solution? Dare not desire 'anything except Jesus'.

So I was reading Hebrews the other day (part of a 30-day challenge to read 30 chapters of the Bible everyday), and one of my favorite passages jumped out at me in a new way. I love it when that happens. And not when you try to make it happen...Heb 10:5-7 says,

Therefore, when Christ came into the world, he said:

"Sacrifice and offering you did not desire,

but a body you prepared for me;

with burnt offerings and sin offerings you were not pleased.

Then I said, 'Here I am - it is written about me in the scroll -

I have come to do your will, O God.' "

That led me to Ps 40:6-8, from which the writer of Hebrews quoted. Same passage/words. Except the last bit goes "...I desire to do your will...your law is within my heart." Made me think of Ps 37:4 and Ps 119:11.

I can understand SACRIFICE, OFFERING...

but...DESIRE?

Maybe it's not such a big problem for some of you. But for me deep down, I admit I've bought into the 'desire is evil' philosophy over the years. I also believe many Christians share the same mindset, amongst many others. Think about it.

God created desire, right?

And He created you, including your heart and all the issues of life that spring from it.

You cannot say God cares about even your hair-count if you cannot believe that the desires of your heart can be pleasing to God. Hair is hardly as important as heart, isn't it?

And I felt the Lord remind me on Aug 9 what He said before, when I was still in Malaysia.

"Don't just ask me what I want for you. I'm not gonna tell you what to do. You know what's in your heart, you already know what you want. I want what you want."

I was like, "No, God! Just tell me what to do, what YOU want. I don't wanna do what I want, I wanna do what YOU want. I'm willing to give up what I want for you!"

So 'spiritual'. Sometimes, so wrong.

Ps Philip Mantofa, a preacher of our time that truly reflects a life of intimacy with God, once rocked my world when he said (in Asia For Jesus Malaysia, 2007) that just like a husband and wife's relationship, '...you are to be one with God. So close to Jesus, so intimate, that what you say goes. He will give you what you ask for, He'll LOVE to please your heart. What a husband says to the children, the wife echoes it so that they are one. Unity in their hearts. Same goes for the wife. What the wife says, the husband goes along with it. That's true intimacy. Jesus too! What YOU want, you pray for, you ask Him for, He will give you. Because you are so close to Him, you are ONE.'

When we've hidden his word in our hearts that we might not sin against him.

When the words of our mouths and the meditation of our hearts are pleasing in his sight.

It PLEASES him to say YES to you.

To your sincere, heartfelt (but not boombasti-fied) prayers.

To your casual (but not trivial) utterances as you go about your day.

To the whims of your heart, gestures of your hand, glances of your eye toward him.

You don't get answers to your prayers because you don't pray from the heart!

You don't see miracles around you because you are afraid to ask and be let down.

You don't experience God's generosity because you have not been sticking close to Him.

So as not to expose your lack of intimacy and faith, you ask not. You desire not. You want not.

And dry-clean it and label it 'contentment in all things' and 'being holy'. Hah.

The Lord reminded me of all this as I was praying about joining a CCN trip to Asia for ministry in Hong Kong and Korea. Will be travelling Aug 25 to Sept 7.

"God, what should I do? Can I? Is it okay with you?" But-this. But-that.

"Do you want to?"

Oh man, not again, God?!

So I know God is training me in this area through these particular situations. He gave me the burden for HK and Korea just before the trip. Timing's right, team's right. He wants what I want. He's down with that. Woah.

Disclaimer: Do not apply the God-wants-what-I-want lesson for EVERY situation. You DID not hear/read that I said you can do that ;)

Stay close to Him and share His heartbeat. When you give weight to his every word spoken to you, you can trust that your words carry weight to move His heart too!

May he give you the desires of your heart and make all your plans succeed. ~ Ps 20:4

I DARE YOU TO DESIRE.

"...so that your joy will be complete."

AFF and SCPx shots

2008-08-07T10:42:00.015-07:00

briefing on 24-7 prayer, Holy Spirit's presence was SO strong!

morning meditation on the psalms.

enacting and acting from the gospels, hilarious!

out on a scavenger hunt! stranded by 3rd clue, almost couldn't get lunch. sunburnt!

bathroom baptism scene

teaching illustration taken outdoors. lesson of the day: travel light when you GO. i think americans need this teaching more ;)

simulating an underground house church, how-to-avoid-getting-caught-having-church drill. they got busted!

dinner at lauren's (redhead, centre) aunts' place.

drumming the heartbeat of God. redeeming the rhythm of the Indians' community dance.

prayer with Haskell president and pastors

at sheridan's, real good ice-cream yo!

praying for one of the three who got baptized on our last day!

moved to intercede for the nations by Holy Spirit, one of many times

yet a time is coming and has now come...God is spirit. every nation, every tongue, every tribe, every land. God, raise up another student volunteer movement to bring Your Gospel back to Jerusalem.
and then the end shall come.

The Shepherd and the blind man

2008-08-07T10:24:00.003-07:00

When Jesus healed the blind man at the pool of Siloam, He knew it was the Sabbath (Jn 9:14). The man went and washed [the mud made with spit from his eyes], and came home seeing. Everyone wanted to know what exactly happened. Even the Pharisees were busy interrogating the man. Blind since birth, now 'came home seeing'. Quite a town-stirrer!

"One thing I do know. I was blind but now I see!"

"What did he do to you? How did he open your eyes?"

"I've told you already and you didn't listen. Why do you wanna hear it again? You wanna become his disciples, too?"

I love this part. The Pharisees loathed it. They threw him out.

I found it remarkable that Jn 9 tells us Jesus approached the blind man two times: (1) to heal his eyesight in v 6, and (2) show him the subject of his worship in v 37. He Himself pursued him, and he worshipped him (vv 35-38).

Later in Jn 10:21 some of the Jews said, "...can a demon open the eyes of the blind?"

The man whose sight was healed said in Jn 9:32, "Nobody has ever heard of opening the eyes of a man born blind."

It occurred to me the passage about the Good Shepherd is even more significant because it is slipped in between the story in Jn 9 and Jn 10:21. Between both passages that mention the healing of the blind is a passage that talks about hearing. Hearing the shepherd whose voice is known by his sheep. He calls them by name, their ears know his voice, and in trusting recognition they follow him. Hearing becomes so much more acute when we cannot see. I wonder what it was like for that blind man to suddenly have his sight restored - he has never SEEN before! - and suddenly, he beholds the Son of Man. That must've been so amazing!

"Who is he, sir? Tell me..."

"You have now seen him...the one speaking with you."

"Lord, I believe."

"...I have come...so that the blind will see and those who see will become blind."

Revelation of Jesus is beyond sight.

You have not SEEN until you've seen Jesus.

Recognize He pursues you in your darkness, touches you with His tender hands on the most unlikely day.

Obey His voice even when you cannot see ahead of you, let your ears catch when He whispers or calls you by name.

Acknowledge He is God amidst accusation and threat from those who want to steal, kill or destroy your revelation of Him.

He WANTS us to trust his voice, be awed by him, worship him, follow Him by faith and not by sight.

I DON'T KNOW A LOT, BUT ONE THING I DO KNOW. I WAS BLIND BUT NOW I SEE. YOU SAY HE ISN'T GOD. I SAY UNLESS HE IS GOD HE CANNOT OPEN BLIND EYES.

MY SHEPHERD, GIVE ME A REVELATION OF YOU.

A Call to Malaysian Youth

2008-07-11T21:30:00.004-07:00

Received through email today: "prayer partners...thanks for your continual prayer...Pray for Malaysia is on Godtube...Sharing with you what the Lord did on July 4, 2008 as we prayed for our beloved nation together with 40 nations..." - watch the videoclip

A nation-transformation, history-making call is being sent out:

Malaysian Youth Prayer Gathering

I strongly urge that all Malaysian youth participate in this prayer movement, regardless which city you come from. From every city across Malaysia, come ON! This is a nationwide call, God is raising up a generation for revival. A generation of young radicals who voluntarily go to the extreme to be set apart for His use in these dark times and train with devotion and diligence - a Nazirite generation. Young people, consider this a trumpet call for PREPARATION for noble use (2 Tim 2:20-22), CONSECRATION of lifestyle (Num 6:1-8) AND SATURATION of the Word (Eph 5:26-27).

It is a serious window of opportunity to pray for Malaysia as if history hinges on it. Because in essence, it does.

And to my beloved Sabahans, Sabah is on Berita NECF's state spot this round.

Meek? Me?!? Yes, Lord, make 'meek' me.

2008-07-07T21:43:00.002-07:00

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." (Matt 11:28-30)

Jesus died on the cross and demonstrated resurrection life so that we who believe in Him not only have resurrection as our hope but are empowered to live the crucified life. That requires that we take up our cross daily and follow Him. Add to that the point that Jesus said those who humble themselves will be exalted, on the contrary those who exalt themselves will find a rude awakening in store for them (in my own words).

It struck me (not suddenly, but during some hours of meditating on Matthew 5:5) that Jesus deliberately lowered Himself to a life that had no glitz or glamour, fully intending that we follow in His footsteps - put our feet into His leather sandals, so to speak. We are to lug our cross likewise through life "...for the joy set before [us]." Because Jesus was lowly in heart, He could relate totally with people who were 'sick' and 'needy', because those who were healthy didn't need a doctor. He came to seek and save the lost. The depraved, the condemned, the broken, the filthy, the unlovable - that's us.

He made Himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness...humbled Himself and became obedient to death... (Phil 2:6-8)

WE are His inheritance. He did all that so He could pay our ransom. So that WE would belong to HIM. Imagine that...

The Lord of Hosts, fully divine and fully human, clothed Himself with meekness - for YOU.

Forget riches of the world.

Forget having kingdoms at your feet (Satan taunted Him with this).

Forget position, power, political leverage.

Forget reputation.

Forget popularity.

"Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth." (Matt 5:5)

We are Jesus' inheritance.

And in His leather-sandals footsteps, "[our] attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus"

(Phil 2:9-11).

Holy Spirit revealed some things to my heart concerning true meekness, how Jesus embodies that, and how it relates to how we carry our hearts before God and men. Very humbling. And it's so sweettt! It's dope :)

As we seek to walk in His attitude of meekness, not seeking rights, riches or righteousness of our own, what do we inherit?

The Lord reminded me of (1) Ps 2:8; and (2) when you become more and more like Christ in your walk, anything you ask of your Father in heaven He delights to give to you. When your heart's desires cleave onto to His heartbeat, what He wants becomes what you want, and vice-versa - that is mind-boggling and totally awesome to me! (3) and we learn to love unlovables like ourselves.

Lord, may my heart be postured in meekness before You, against the landscape of truth, mercy, justice and righteousness, let this reign. Above my rights, principles, beliefs, understanding, thoughts, reign over my stubborn and proud heart to be lowered under the weight of the revelation of Your crucifiction. Awe me so much with how You can be so humble in heart as God of the universe, yet are so strong and powerful, that I may learn to find rest in that, in knowing I need only to come to You, my inheritance is found only in You.

He was the Truth

2008-06-26T10:02:00.004-07:00

This reliable real-life story broke my heart.

[SEEKER STORY]

There was a man living in Tehran who had always wanted to find the truth. He never had any contact with committed Christians. He never heard the Gospel.

At death's door

Old age approached and he had a very serious stroke. He was rushed to the hospital and was semi-conscious for three days. His family was by his bedside most of the time and his son was there day and night. The son longed for his father to say a few words.

The father never spoke, and after three days he died. From the human point of view he had known nothing about Christ. He was seemingly a 'lost' soul facing a Christless eternity.

The Jesus dream

A few days later the son had a vivid dream. His father came to him and spoke about those last days in the hospital. 'When I was in the hospital I saw Jesus. He told me He was the one I'd always been looking for. He told me He was the truth, and the only way to meet God was to believe in Him.'

So there, semi-conscious, this old man became a believer. Jesus didn't let him enter eternity alone.

The father went on in the dream to say sorry for not talking to the son - 'But for those three days, I was all the time with Jesus - that's why I couldn't talk to you.' The father's final words were - 'Go and tell the family about Jesus.'

The next morning the son was very excited but very nervous. What would the rest of the family say if he asked them to believe in Christ? With apprehension he sat down at the breakfast table. He noticed his younger sister wasn't there. When he asked where she was, they said she was upset.

So he went to get her. She was sitting on her bed, knees up, head down. As he knocked, she looked up, her eyes glistening with tears. He sat down and gently took her hand - 'What's the matter?'

'I've had a dream - but you'll be upset...' She looked at her brother, a little frightened...

'Don't worry - I won't get angry.' So she told him her story. They had both had the same dream!

All the members of this immediate family are now believers.

(taken from Briefings - The Silk Road by Glenn Meyers, pg 57)

Did you know that there are thousands of stories like this, maybe more? It's true, there can't be smoke without fire. And where many in the Middle East face darkness and total loss of hope and livelihood, they find Jesus.

"Now as we look to the future, it looks even brighter. We expect tens of thousands of Iranians and thousands of Afghans to be added to Christ's church annually. We now pray for 500,000 Iranian MBB.s and 25,000 Afghan MBB.s by 2015. This prayer is not just based on our imagination, but on how God has demonstrated that with Him all things are possible..." ~ Abe Ghaffari (excerpt from website Iranian Christians International)

Do you have Christ in your life?

You need to know the Truth.

Then Moses said, "Now show me Your glory."

2008-06-23T13:23:00.003-07:00

it's been a good 2 weeks in LA. flew over to kansas city 2 nights ago - the heart of the USA. on occasion i ask the LORD, "what am i doin here?". it is good to ask. because you'll know when the answer comes.

yesterday i found myself seated with people from all over the world, congregating at a service by IHOP which they call Forerunner Christian Fellowship. couldn't believe my eyes. or my skin. or whatever way you wanna term it. i saw, i felt, i just couldn't believe that i was seated there. a sense of awe washed over me as i lifted my voice in worship. and for a split second, i go, "wow! i'm actually here..."

as the service went on, the answer came. 'cause those split seconds of disbelief, they occurred multiple times. put together, they probably make up one minute. so, yeah, as i was saying, the answer came.

see, i was supposed to be in kansas city for a summer training lasting 6 weeks that is an integral part of my learning in america. then the training got 'shrunk' to 4 weeks. i had the choice of either stayin in LA during those now-free days, or still fly over to kansas and see how i can occupy my time (at the lowest possible cost!). God, i wanna make the utmost best of the time i'm here, every single day. while i breathe and stay alive here, i ask for divine appointments/connections. lead me beyond human plans and finances. i refuse to waste the time away. kindle the fire, Lord. show me what You have in mind with this change. You brought me here, so what gives...?

mike bickle began sharing a bit abt the history of IHOP, and how the Lord moved him through transition after transition. "transition is not just a change in your position, title, or qualifications, or role. that's too narrow a definition. when God leads you through transition, He's positioning you to carry your heart before Him in a new way." woah. that hit me...

and the message went on to say, "maybe you're here wondering what you're doing here." bingo.

"maybe you're going through a transition in your life, a burden in your heart that no one else knows about or people don't seem to understand." yup.

"during these coming 6 weeks, you're hoping God would reveal Himself in a greater glory." yes!

the phrase 6 weeks kept getting repeated, and the challenge to set apart this time to seek His face like Moses did (Exo 33:18). my heart responded to Holy Spirit in a deep stirring. yes, Lord. You brought me here...i wanna see You.

may God give grace for a season of consecration, grace for deeper intercession and fasting, of seeking His face. positioning myself as He leads me to carry my heart in a new way before Him.

as Moses Your servant dared to ask, Lord, show me Your glory.

i encourage you to dig into the Word and see what God says about the Nazirites, and how we His chosen ones are to be set apart for His use, for His glory. may God give you grace to seek His face day and night, up on the mountain of God but facedown in worship.

that's what i'm made of.

2008-06-13T14:04:00.003-07:00

love what the paper bag that contained my breakfast this morning says, a la Ryan Lochte (a US olympic swimmer).

if you can't read the print, here it is:
my dad gave me the fundamentals.
my team gives me the support.
i give it everything i've got.

we all need that reminder of what we're made of...
Dad's basic principles + dream team + ALL of YOURSELF.

precious times

2008-06-07T22:05:00.005-07:00

both old...

and young...

"fare thee well"

skies i will miss...

the infamous kopitiams

ahh..precious times. nuff said.

all worth it

2008-06-07T04:57:00.002-07:00

there is a sense of finality as i prepare to leave my beloved sabah. i'm one of those who have never left for long. not that i don't love globe-trotting. but it's God. "it's time to go, my dear"...and there's that sense of finality, in the goodbyes, the sharings, the prayers, i can feel it.

it's hard to put into words what i think so much about lately, because it's not meant to be shared just yet. but tonight as i think about Eklektos goin on in kyrugma house, while i spend time at home, my heart goes to them. Father, i pray Your presence and power be on them increasingly as Your children seek Your face...in one accord. let Your Holy Spirit fill them and fire them up, because You are their shepherd and King.

i asked the Lord 4 months ago whether the past few years spent serving Him the best way i knew how alongside His precious Eklektos beloveds have pleased Him. was it worth it, God? He said a firm yes. and that was it, i knew one of the biggest lessons any of us should learn is that your closeness with God far outweighs your 'performance', or ministry results. fruit does matter, but sometimes what we call results do not equal lasting fruit.

God is the One who grows and brings success. every church, especially those of young people, must never lose sight of the Kingdom purpose. we're the training ground, the training force, the trainers. every young person who grows up in Christ belongs to the Kingdom, not merely to a local church or to a youth group. people come and go, no group stays together forever. every church is a missionary-sending workforce, and each member's identity and significance come from grasping that Kingdom perspective. each disciple carrying his/her cross, that "though none go with me, still i will follow". then everything done in the name of God will not be short-sighted, me-focused, pastor-centered or results-oriented yet minus Kingdom power and purpose.

it must not.
and then, it's all worth it when people grow up, mature, are sent out, fulfilling His Kingdom dreams for his/her life. they belong to God. the ministry belongs to God.

i, too, belong to God.
it's all worth it. Eklektos has been worth it. God's the One.
every tear, every joy, every pain, every season - because you change lives the best when you're the one who is the most changed. invest, invest, invest in people. young people, that includes YOU.

i shall live that way.
(i shall leave that way)

Passion Conference

2008-06-03T13:12:00.006-07:00

God, make it real.

May 30 to June 1
a group of young people headed off for Passion Camp, first of its kind in Kota Kinabalu - an interchurch youth camp where 140+ young people stay together wanting an experience of God in their lives...

It was amazing! Every session deepened conviction for God's move in our land, especially in and through the youth of Malaysia, as well as those involved in raising up this generation. During prayer meetings leading up to this camp, we were receiving insights into the emphases for the camp, and more importantly the youth movement. Then in a sense stuff at the camp really confirmed these insights.

Session after session, came a stronger and stronger conviction that it was the kairos time for such a camp! The OPPORTUNE TIME - repeated over and over. Again, there was a confirmation of God wanting to restore His Word, worship and witness (works) into His Church, like Josiah brought reformation for his generation of followers. And NOW is the time for such a restoration, to build strength in these 3Ws, and see whole nations turn to God. That means 2 Tim 2:20-22, a time of preparation, readiness for Kingdom use, the 7 years of abundance before the 7 years of famine. A time of preparing the people in prayer, like Joel 2. The trumpet is sounding.

UNITY, PROPHETIC INTERCESSION and SCHOOLS - that's how I would summarize what Holy Spirit was impressing on us. There was unity in the teams where students from VARIOUS churches got together to talk and pray about their schools, and in the committee a oneness in Spirit that was inspiring. I'm excited for what has happened at Passion is so significant and representative of what will be taking place as we continue to seek God's face these coming years. There were times when the youth released prophetic words and worshipped God so deeply that many were moved to tears just by sitting still. It was great! And as I watched, my heart broke because of the whole scene, God was pleased. All of them talked for the first time about setting a time for prayer on their campuses, and some of them had already started!

Pr Kenneth Chin preached his heart out about THE END, and during the last session we did a bridge-the-generations prayer. So we got those who represented the: senior pastors, the youth pastors & leaders, and the youth at large to stand together - in formation, extending their hands to pray for unity. Revival's gonna happen across the generations! Reconciliation > Restoration > Revival & Reformation - yeah!

(check out http://bobssaviour.blogspot.com/2008/06/post-passion-conference.html)

At the final session some of the youth shared their testimonies, every heart was touched by what God was doing in the people who stepped up boldly to testify. A shout out to those who worked hard during the camp!

Fan the passion, guys. God is real :)

Pray for Asia

2008-05-14T23:29:00.006-07:00

[typed 2 days ago]

In less than 14 days, two nations have been ravaged by natural disasters of catastrophic scale.

First, the tropical cyclone Nargis in Myanmar (http://www.economist.com/world/asia/displaystory.cfm?story_id=11332728):

Second, the earthquake in the Sichuan province of China (http://www.express.co.uk/posts/view/44219/10-000-feared-dead-in-China-quake):

The death tolls for both are heartbreaking: 20,000+ and 10,000 respectively.

The Lord stirred a deep concern in my heart today. I was in the midst of preparing my message on "The Sukkot" this Sunday and all of a sudden this stirring caused me to stop. I couldn’t go on preparing, so I began to pray and cry out to God for Myanmar and China.

And I believe God’s heart aches for Asia. Many of us do not realize the colossal significance this region holds at this “time of year”. The Scriptures tell us that “with the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day. God does not view time as humans do. If we were to see the entire sum of ages since Creation ‘til today as if it were a year, we recognize there are seasons in a year, like there are seasons in the Hebrew calendar. And this “time of year” we pray for the gathering-in of the harvest of souls. And the Day is approaching (2 Peter 3:8-10) when Jesus returns. Like a thief in the night, those who are not alert will be caught unawares. But may we not be ignorant.

1. Pray for the nations in Asia, particularly for our neighbors Myanmar and China at this time so that such national crises will not slow down but speed up the preaching of the Gospel to those in darkness (declare healing and salvation)

2. Intercede for mercy as Abraham did, that God’s judgment be stayed as His righteous ones stand in the gap. These 2 nations are not that far from home

3. Ask God for a burning passion in the hearts of Christians to ‘go’, and apostolic vision to see all nations worship Him

To Live A Mortal

2008-04-22T19:33:00.004-07:00

Here's the tagline: The path is unsafe. The place is unknown. The journey is unbelievable.

Plot: A discovery made by a kung-fu obsessed American teen in a Chinatown pawnshop sends him on an adventure to ancient China, where he joins up with a band of martial arts warriors on a dangerous quest in order to free the imprisoned Monkey King.

The Forbidden Kingdom - quite an incredible movie. Highly entertaining, and very unique in its concept. Don't think I can recall any other movie with similar plot and setting. And I thought the Jet Li-Jackie Chan combination was unforgettably awesome.

There were many lil' lessons I grabbed from the movie, but there was this ONE moment when Jackie Chan's character drunken master Lu Yan had been shot by a deadly arrow and he laid in a monastery giving some dying-man's advice to Jason the American boy. You see, many of the Chinese legends centers around the theme of immortality, and Lu Yan gave the impression that he was one of the famous 8 Immortals. But this arrow incident brought Jason to realize Lu Yan was not immortal. "If a man does not attach himself to people and desires, his heart shall not be broken. But then does he truly live? I would rather die having cared for someone, than to live forever and be free from my own death."

Give a thought to that. I was moved by these words. In many ways, though we may not pursue immortality as these Chinese folklores center on, we find different ways to realize ourselves and awaken our spirituality. Some say greatness exists within you if you would choose to seek it, what some call 'spiritual enlightenment'. And some live only to make their mark in this world by erecting monuments or buildings that bear their name. Their way of immortalizing their lives. Some speak of how to see meaning out of life, and turn to knowledge of cosmic forces and astrology. You'd be surprised! Not often spoken but often contained within the heart, a desire to be 'remembered forever' as a legend, to 'live forever' in people's hearts.

To truly live is:
a) When you have got everything to live for on earth
b) When you are the kindest and sacrificial person every time
c) When you eat healthy, sleep healthy, and work healthy - live 'til 100
d) When you are the most likeable human ever known, with the hugest fan base
e) When you can spin unending strings of philosophy about life and have great wisdom to impart
f) When you cast caution to the wind, do extreme sports and live like there's no tomorrow
g) When you fall in and out of love in search of your soulmate, your happy ending one day
h) When you have led a quiet life building a stable family and good home
i) When you got enough money to buy you a PR for a better life on greener pastures
j) None of the above?

What does it mean to truly live? Is there eternal life?

The path is unsafe. The place is unknown. The journey is unbelievable.
The glory of a man is a heart fully come alive. I came alive when I came to know Jesus. My life is greatest lived when lived in the power of His death and resurrection. My death is best finalized when I die for His glory, for His Kingdom.

And this is the testimony: God has given us eternal life, and this life is in His Son. He who has the Son has life; he who does not have the Son of God does not have life. - 1 John 5:11-12

Come D.I.G.

2008-04-18T20:03:00.003-07:00

Excerpt taken from Lou Engle's Digging the Wells of Revival:

John Kilpatrick's father left his family when John was only 12 years old. At age 14, John received a powerful call to the ministry, at which time Pastor R.C. Wetzel approached John's mother about discipling her son. With his mother's permission, John became one of a group of teenage boys that Pastor Wetzel gathered together each week. These boys felt called to the ministry. Pastor Wetzel would teach them the Scriptures then have each one, in turn, teach the others what they had learned. For two years these kids joined Pastor Wetzel for daily midnight prayer meetings. Thus this pastor fathered the fatherless John Kilpatrick.

One night the Holy Spirit fell. Brother Wetzel later told the kids that the Lord had spoken to him that night, telling him to stay on in Pensacola and multiply himself in these teenage boys. "If you do that," God told him, "you will reach more people through these young preachers than you could ever reach on your own." For the next many years, Pastor Wetzel poured his life into John Kilpatrick and the others. The old man died never having seen the prophecy fulfilled.

...Pastor Wetzel was a real father...more concerned about the next generation than about his own ministry...We must understand with humility that we stand on the shoulders of many great men and women of God who have gone before us...God is establishing the work of today's intercessors on the foundation of those godly men and women who prayed down His glory in days gone by.

TERRITORIAL COMMITMENT + PROPHETIC INTERCESSION

Many faithful ones have sown into their beloved nations, Malaysia included. Countless tears shed for those who feel the burden of the millions of souls unsaved. Houses of prayers are being set up all over the globe, in many places the nameless-faceless young generation is heeding the Nazirite call to consecrate their lives to fulfill God's purpose for their generation - one by one.

That stirs me deep inside, I know that's what I live for, and what I wanna die living for. God! My heart has grown cold and distracted, my prayers in the midnight hours brief and unpiercing. Give me a constant diligence in solitude and intercession...Holy Spirit, fill and overpower me -my will, my dreams, my plans, my future, everything...be my fuel as a firebrand of Yours. I need that fire.

See the Malaysia section in: jaesonma.com/archives/2007_08_01_archive.html

Let's pray that this Wetzel spirit be the passionate desire of many more, to see the generations arise and inherit all that comes from rich spiritual heritage of godly men and women who lay down their lives for their spiritual children. God is a covenant-keeping God and we are seeing a restoration of His Kingdom presence and power in these days!

Reclaim the spiritual inheritance of your nation.
Dig the wells of revival.

do you like history?

2008-04-17T07:25:00.002-07:00

recent readings include The Eternal Church by Bill Hamon. very thought-provoking, makes me hungry for more historical stuff. I know, that's so...whats-the-word. But really, you get a sense of excitement to ask God for a glimpse into His blueprint for the next decade. for you, your loved ones, your nation, the world.

so many things are happening around us --- some appalling, some really wonderful, some nice and pleasant, some sheer madness, some plain dumb, some so disgusting, some just make you speechless and wondering 'what are they thinking!?'. don't you get that feeling when you read the papers sometimes? or see a video on youtube that dumbfounds you?! or some news that stirs you up so much you just wanna get up and do something?

and these next few years will be exciting. you think many things are happening NOW, wait and see a few more years. if you were alive 3 decades ago, you'd live and think so differently. or, how about just ONE decade ago? exciting age, isn't it? and more messed-up than ever. but the move of God in these final days will awe you into heaven. an awesome statement from The Eternal Church was that you cannot have a desire to have insight into what's coming if you turn your back to what's happened before (in my own words). which is true. part of preparation for the future is to know history and use that knowledge to chart the course to come. and i'm specifically referring to the history of restoration of spiritual truths in the Church since the Acts 2 Pentecost day when the Church was birthed.

i know that's why it pumps me up to read up on some church history stuff lately. partly 'cause i'm trying to get through my whole book collection so that i don't need to lug any unfinished books with me to the states. that wouldn't be fun. or cheap (read previous post). but mostly 'cause i learn so, so much! read about people like john wycliffe, john knox, calvin, luther. wow...so much to read, so little time :) it fuels me, lifts my faith. movement after movement, miracles and revivals - there're so many stories of people and places completely transformed by the power of God! God, You do it over and over again! God, we wanna recognize Your move and join You.

one question: if there is even 10% of the world's population who live the way these guys lived, what would NOW look like? if YOU live the way william carey did, is there the slightest chance you might look back and feel you could've led a different life, lived for a different cause?

your story makes history. the best you can do with your life is to get involved in what God is doing in your generation. and the best place to start looking/finding out might be in reading other people's stories who made history.

YOU TAKE UP SPACE

2008-04-16T00:44:00.004-07:00

recently had to call up some airlines to find out their baggage weight limit. good news and bad news. man, i really gotta make sure the cubic meters my suitcases take up don't exceed the given limit. it involves money, which, of course, matters. especially when the currency is in US dollars.

space. luggage takes up space. stuff takes up space in luggages. and space, in the airline business, costs money. we're talkin height x length x width. 2 pieces of luggage, no more than 50lbs each, and no bigger than 62 linear inches- something like that. of course i know this is all very necessary for airlines, don't get me wrong.

last week i was watching E! (yes, i watch TV sometimes) when this interview with a-certain-artist came on askin her abt her new album with two other artists. "so what was it like working on this album with these guys?" she said, "i'm not used to sharing diva space...but for this album i had to get used to it...sharing the space with them..."

so? got me wondering abt SPACE...

met an old friend at starbucks for a cuppa, just to catch up before i leave kk. was halfway through my updates when he said out-of-the-blue, "you know, you take up a lotta space." i blinked and after 2 seconds, laughed. "what?! what space?" my mind goes, "what, like i'm fat or something?" according to him, he meant that there are people you meet in life who are not so intense, not so in-your-face, like "you know how some people can enter a room and you don't notice them?" uh huh...so i'm not that kind. "oh, sounds like a good thing. thanks. you take up a lot of space, too."

it got me thinking --- abt taking up space. i don't mean taking up diva space, though, and not being willing to share that space with others. the way we live. the way we cross paths with people. the way we sometimes intrude each other's space, in a good way, so that nobody stays in their space for too long without change or growth. otherwise he/she gets stuffy and rigid and aloof and enclosed. if you've ever watched Stranger Than Fiction, man, that's such a cool movie! it's good to share your space! shift around spaces, move space from time to time...swap spaces. you know, don't be thin air - going thru life just breathing, merely staying alive. you, being a person whose very presence should speak loudly, that you can't be ignored, shut up, stifled, muffled...when you got things to stand up for, things to say, to speak up about, to shout about! it's good to be taking up a lotta space :) just, be a LOUD 'BE'-ing. whether or not you open your mouth, who you are and what you contain can't be ignored, 'cause you take up so much space.

in this perspective, i'd say - we should take up space!

a lot of SPACE is lost when we are apathetic and lifeless. or rather, fight-less. we don't contend when enemies crowd around us and steal our space. gain our ground, take up our territory. "oh, you want that space? sure! why not." and little by little, we become colonised and we wonder why we feel restricted and without 'freedom'. weed taking over the land, overpowering the plants that were originally meant to take up the entire space and dominate it in the first place. excuse me, is this space reserved? yes, it is.
excuse me, is this soul taken? yes, it is.
excuse me, is this heart available? no, it's for Jesus. (no sorrys needed)
excuse me, is your life for the taking? yeah, but it's taken already.

Jesus takes up a lotta space. and i'm glad He does. that leaves no room for things that should not seep in or steal space.
i'm done ranting...

40 Days and Counting......

2008-04-02T03:02:00.004-07:00

Check out the 50-Day prayer guide of Malaysia National Prayer Network...
Day 10 now...40 days and counting.

Don't take lightly the significance of this time for Malaysia. Ask God for restoration in the power of Holy Spirit: restoration of the supernatural in His Church that will impact our nation's key cities and states bringing Jesus Christ to the community. The power of the Gospel is released when we testify of His love and grace, and the FULL message of the Cross and His blood - nothing more and nothing less.

We cannot compromise on God's Greatest Command and Great Commission. But of course, we rely on His leading, as He instructs, according to His timing and empowering...

Press on.

---------------------------------------------------------------

On a more personal note, just got back from KL for my US visa interview. Praise God for His unprecedented favor (hey, Wini dear), it was such an unexpectedly relaxed interview. I'm amazed by His goodness to a person like me. Also got to spend more time with people dear to me, especially my parents who traveled together for a holiday with my aunt in Subang. It was a rare opportunity, may be long before the next one. I will really appreciate those times.

Truly, grace is being bestowed with the opposite of what one deserves. I await good news of my Fuller application, and in the meantime will make plans for the US flight (soon!). Just wanna give glory to God here....thank You, Lord. You are Almighty.

lil' matt

2008-04-01T23:56:00.004-07:00

this is MATTHEW PRESCOTT HERON :)
he is just ado-wa-ble!!! (he's the cutest godson i could ever ask for...gosh, what's a godma to do!??)
and u can read more abt him by his very proud parents Tim & Wini on http://www.matthewprescott.blogspot.com/

will post pics of 'em soon!

Who's there?

2008-03-24T01:01:00.005-07:00

Horton Hears A Who was a fantastic show.
You'll learn:

Every person is important, no matter how small.
A sense of purpose takes you beyond your clumsy, mortal capacity. There are things bigger than yourself worth fightin for.
Think light. Light as a feather. Some hanging bridges aren't as flimsy as they look.
There is no such thing as 99% faithfulness.
Pay attention and listen real good to notice the quiet desperation of people around you. You may hear voices you didn't know you could. (This is NOT absolute truth: "When you can't see it, hear it, or feel it, it doesn't exist.")
Our animosity and prejudice can mean others' peril, because we're so busy fighting each other instead of recognizing we're on the same side of humanity.
Don't love harmony more than truth - it's called denial with a capital D-ception.
Those who don't seem to amount to much can prove you wrong in the moment of crises. Character is revealed in difficult times.
Our need to be 'right' can be so wrong.
The meanest person deserves forgiveness. He who is forgiven much, loves much.
There is a very real enemy threatening the lives of millions. A speck is not just a speck. There's life in the tiniest growth in the womb - not allowing it to live is called abortion.
God creates providential moments. You may be the right elephant in the right place at the right time - and find a needle in a haystack, or a microscopic speck in a sea of clovers. You only mustn't lose hope.

A Call to Continue to Pray for Malaysia
23 March - 11 May
50 days of post-election prayer (from Resurrection Sunday to Pentecost Sunday) to proclaim God's power and renewed grace for the healing of our land

You-Who!!
Guys, the election may be over, but prayer ought not be. The call continues, and God is sounding the trumpet across all states through those who are faithful, who will stay alert to keep watch like the 10 virgins awaiting their Bridegroom. Don't be content to stay at the foot of the mountain, but keep the lamp of intercession over our city and nation ablaze by seeking His face continually, day and night, so the oil won't run out. Don't stay at your camp, but move towards the tent of meeting with the Lord, and ask that His glory be revealed as Moses asked. May He cause all His goodness to come by.

In these 50 days, let's ask Him to reveal heavenly purposes and strategies to every prayer group and gathering. As you commit yourself to pray, don't let anything deter you from persevering in prayer, either in your own prayer group or in your own prayer closet. Start one if you have to, meet with likeminded brothers and sharpen each other. Hear the voice of the Holy Spirit and journal as you discern, and keep on pressing on...

I've chosen to be committed to these 50 days. God, sustain me as I position myself for your outpouring of grace. Recognize and respond to this call for prayer rising in this generation, a movement of revival that is enlisting holy & passionate warriors into His Joel 2 army. The threat of the enemy is very real but He is real-er! On May 11 (Global Day of Prayer), why not call your prayer group together and ask for an outpouring of God's Spirit on our land?
Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Ima.
Ima who?
Ima be prayin' 'til GDOP :)

1 Cor 2:9 ~ But it is written, 'Things which eye has not seen and ear has not heard, and which have not entered the heart of man, all that God has prepared for those who love Him.'

You Know I Do

2008-03-21T22:51:00.006-07:00

"...We only want to hear the voice of God and not human opinions, for we know that when the Lord reveals his will to us and we obey, our mission will be a success regardless of the results. Success is obeying God. Failure is when we don't obey God..." ~ Back to Jerusalem by Paul Hattaway

And that is absolutely true.

In so many instances, we choose to trust the opinions of men. Often to our own detriment. Because men no matter, how well their intentions, are incapable of being all-knowing and all-able. Men cannot say to you, all things will work for your good. Divine plans and purposes are not in men's hands. But God -- He can. He says He will cause all things to work together for your good, and not only does He mean it, He can actually fulfill that promise. Give you that assurance so you can stop fearing failure. Men cannot be impartial as much as they wish to be. I often try to be impartial, and sometimes it feels as if I am. But even in the most objective of my opinions, I cannot make all things work together for good.

When God says to do something, I'm learning to walk in complete obedience. Not partial. And this is so overwhelming. Just think of all those times you felt you could ignore the voice of God. And those times you have ignored it. Yesterday I spent some hours just meditating on this. That I wanna be totally completely in tune with what God tells me about. At the drop of His hat, in a way. Just knowing that nothing else matters at all... don't you understand, all God really wants is your heart in love with Him? Soaked in His love. Trusting, secure. Unfaltering obedience. I shudder at the thought of forgetting His voice. That I have a Father who promises rest when I just trust enough to do what He asks of me.

The Father is looking for those who will worship Him in Spirit and in truth. Worship is anything you do that pleases God's heart. Even 'doing' as in, just sitting there thinking of Him. Not activity as we know it. But just being aware of His heart all the time, and ever so often 'checking in' to whisper, "God, what's on Your mind now?" To just worship, just reveling in being alive in His hands. His presence living in you.

I was reminded last night, I don't care what happens in the future, to my life, whatever that is taken away from me, whatever that remains, whatever falls apart -- but only to know Christ: His person, His power, His pain. Like Paul, "...whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ...everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him,...I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death..."

nothing else matters as much.

He loves me, I love Him. That's success, my life wins, 'cause my life is in Him and I'm a-keep on moving forward... (Life is Beautiful - Jaeson Ma)

"Do you love me more than these?"
Yes, Lord. You know I do.

Operation Smile

2008-03-14T20:47:00.004-07:00

You seldom find movies like this. Got both my parents to have TV dinner with me when I saw this on Astro last night. It was a refreshing change.

Here's how the story goes:
Katie, a teenage girl from Malibu, California, finds herself in the throes of growing up, facing her parents, her boyfriends, her sexuality and a privileged life. Half a world away in rural China, Lin, who shares the birthday with Katie, faces a much different reality. Because of facial deformity, she lives a life of fear and shame. Her father, Daniel, has devoted his life to her, with hopes and dreams that her circumstances will change one day.

The opportunity comes with the discovery of the worldwide "Doctor's Gift" program. Katie signs up for a trip to China. Once there, she is deeply touched by the work, which prompts her to take off on her own to find Lin. A "smile" is brought to Lin's face, Katie finds her soul and their extraordinary connection becomes a life-changing experience for both girls.

This movie is based on the work of the charity organization Operation Smile - Changing lives one smile at a time.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I was touched by Katie's honest reluctance to face reality. When she arrived for her volunteer mission in Shanghai, she came face-to-face with some of the kids she had to work with. Mostly she had only seen them in their heart-wrenching state on photographs back home in CA. "I can't do this," she whispered in sobs. "It's different when you have to see them up-front like this."
And then you watch how she took a bold step to find Lin, and overcame her heart's fear.

It struck me, because I know how true that is: to fear feeling so much for people. Fear that the love they need, you cannot give. Fear to be so close to those who need help, when you're so finite and weak yourself. When you touch, smell, see, feel people who need to know unconditional love and the power of God, people so different, treated so inhumanely yet human like us, but not knowing Him...so close to God's heart...man, it's hard. Thought of Matthew 28:19-20, God's Operation GO!

This movie was a good reminder not to be afraid to reach out. Wherever you wanna go for a mission. We GO still.
Changing lives one soul at a time.

Word.

TRACK

2008-03-13T18:56:00.006-07:00

Never realized there was so much carried within this word.

track
Pronunciation: \'trak\
Function: noun
1 a: detectable evidence; b: a path made by or as if by repeated footfalls; c: a course laid out especially for racing; d: the parallel rails of a railroad; e (1): one of a series of parallel or concentric paths along which material (as music or information) is recorded, (2): a group of grooves . . . 3 a: the course along which something moves or progresses; b: a way of life, conduct, or action . . . 6: track-and-field sports
(from Mirriam-Webster dictionary)

went for a jog on the beach at sunset on wednesday, asked dad along so he could take some sunset shots (i had a hunch sunset would be great that day). turned out to be true...it was beautiful.

brought lil' toby along too, my samsung mp3 player from low yat plaza. you gotta know i hadn't jogged for awhile now, so i didn't expect much. did a whole lotta stretches as i just stared into the horizon, then i started off toward my left. jogged on and on and on, while toby kept playing. didn't feel too breathless, i was surprised i reached where my usual end-marker was, and i could still turn around and jog some more. song after song toby set the mood, made my mind a lot more focused, and kept me going even after i felt i had 'done my run'. then it occured to me the word 'track'. like, 1. jogging track, and 2. music track.

two thoughts popped into my mind:

1. JOGGING TRACK
i love running. not just the sunset, the endorphins, the sand, the smell of the sea. it can transport me away. i step onto the beach and i'd just feel closer to God than i would've felt rest of the day. and almost everytime i'd reflect on my heart's condition and think about how short-sighted i had become or how i might have lost sight of the eternal scheme of things. reminds me how much physical training relates to all of LIFE: the importance of discipline, focus, sacrifice, diet, marathon (vs sprint) living, passion. keeps me on track. God expands in my heart.

2. MUSIC TRACK
ever been amazed at the power of music? i realized that's what music does. whenever you're sad, some song your friend reminds you of can cheer you up. when you're angry, or bored, or frustrated or just apathetic, just the right song puts you back on 'pitch'. and when you're happy, hoo! "you can play that again!" it keeps you going in life. you can feel disheartened, wanting to give up or plain sick of life, but when you choose to worship God with your heartsong, it lifts your spirit and heals you inside and there's strength to move on. He'd come and speak to you. and you can keep on running the race long after you thought you had no more energy to run on.

isn't that like life? each of you have a destiny, and sometimes you reach a point you don't feel like you can go on.
"no, i just can't!"
"it's too hard."
"maybe i'm not cut out for this."
"maybe my dreams are just that: dreams."

you gotta keep on to the track God has for you. puff. puff.
got-ta-keep-on-tuh-rack. running out of breath.
impossible is nothing.

read this in one of those books that changed my life, The Blueprint --- what is the best thing you can do with your life? find out what God is doing in this generation of yours, and give your whole life to fulfilling it. press on to pray God's Kingdom come, on earth as it is in heaven. there's no bigger picture, no greater cause worth your whole life. many of us lose sight in the ratrace, we become blind to the fact our lives aren't about getting born, growing up, getting wasted, doped up, partying and having fun, settle down, have kids, work to the bone, and grow old and die. THAT'S NOT DESTINY, PURPOSE. THAT'S RESIGNED TO 'FATE' and 'CIRCUMSTANCE'.

we live our lives like we're in a sprint and not a marathon. not stopping to take stock, reprioritize, have time to know our Creator God (because we're too cynical, educated and sophisticated), set some goals that don't only include you but the world's future for eternity. but we give our time, energy, prime years of our lives to many different things...and though they may not all be value-less, how eternal can they be? at 30+yrs old, disillusionment sets in. weariness. ALL RUN OUT. END OF OUR TRACK. for what?

what is the best thing you can do with your life? find out what God is doing in your generation, and give your whole life to it.

Hang On!

2008-03-12T20:32:00.003-07:00

You have no idea what God is capable of. But every step leads you to a piece of
it. Imagine a nail that you drive into a piece of wood. Such a little thing, but
it holds much weight. It's strength lies not only in itself, for an improperly
driven nail is capable of hanging nothing but may even fall off on its own. When
driven in well, straight, on-target, it holds hundred times more than its weight
in alignment with the strength of the wood that holds it in place.

God's promises and your faith are as close to each other as 2 wires in a switch. as the switch is pressed, power is released. promises are waiting for you. only Joshua and Caleb could operate it.

3 levels of Fs to increase >
increase your FAITH Matt 21:21)
FOCUS (Gen 13:14-17)
and FIGHT (Eph 6:10-18)

If the LORD delights in a man's ways, he makes his steps firm; though he stumble, he will not fall, for the Lord upholds him with His hand. - Ps 37:23-24

Blessed is [Janice] who listens to me, watching daily at my doows, waiting at my doorway. For whoever finds me finds life and receives favor from the LORD. - Prov 8:34-35

God @ Work. Keep watching out 'cause He'll continue to blow preconceptions, perceptions and perspectives away!

Just like a twister, your situation looks terrifying on the ground but to God, the biggest twist is at the top where He is spreading your problems in order.

As in Isa 11:2-4, the Spirit of the LORD will rest on [you] - the Spirit of wisdom and of understanding, the Spirit of counsel and of power, the Spirit of knowledge and of the fear of the LORD - and [you] will delight in the fear of the LORD. [You] will not judge by what [you] see[s] with [your] eyes, or decide by what [you] hear[s] with [your] ears...

"Decide in advance that you're never going to quit, that you'll abound in the Lord's work no matter how high the pain, you'll keep showing up, trusting, serving, proclaiming the gospel, discipling, shepherding, leading and casting the vision. THAT'S COURAGEOUS LEADERSHIP! Stay on course." - Bill Hybels (cf 1 Cor 15:58)

free...like a dog?

2008-03-10T19:47:00.002-07:00

yesterday helped dad with the lawn after my dance work-out. felt so good to get some physical training, hoever little at a time. again, i tried to acquaint myself with the dog next door. he growled at me and moved away. dad says it's the most pitiful dog in the whole world. sometimes i'm pleasantly moved by dad's softness of heart. he can be grumpy and all, but underneath that roughness he's just...aww. he said that 'cause he sees the poor dog's chained to this rope all day long, for i forgot how many years. so he's only allowed to move within the circumference along the length of that rope to which he's so cruelly chained all of his life. no physical training for you, my friend :( is that what it means to be domesticated? chained up, angry, no trashing garbage bags, no exercise. you can't even pee and go for walks like most house dogs do. there was this patch of soil amidst the surrounding grass, worn out by his laying on it so often...so pitiful and friendless.

i'd never wanna chain my dog up like that (if you live close by where i live and you're reading this, pls don't chain ur dog up like that). it struck me how naturally the desire for freedom come to us humans. but we forget our pets need a fulfilled and free life too. (let's not go into a theological or detailed discussion about true freedom here, shall we? that is a whole different story for another day.)

abt my leave, last night God spoke to me through:
proverbs 21:31 ~ "The horse is made ready for the day of battle, but victory rests with the LORD."
psalm 32:8-9 ~ "I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you. Do not be like the horse or the mule, which have no understanding but must be controlled by bit and bridle or they will not come to you."

in a dilemma of the most frustrating sort. many are the plans in a man's heart, but the LORD's purpose prevails. and i felt God say, janice you've planned many things, you've tried to put into place stuff you felt was important to prepare your journey, but without Me you will not win. you are a warrior, but you will have no victory apart from your Commander. He will watch over you and ensure you win. you go, at His instruction. not men's. at His word, every plan that He knows is best for you will remain, those that are not will fall apart. He does not control you like a puppet so you can choose the way you should go with understanding and own will, but He won't leave you alone. victory rests with the LORD. RESTS. (thank you, wini and eric, for your timely texts with these verses).

rest in the victory of the LORD. see His deliverance on your behalf when you go where He leads you by faith in painful and scary obedience.

there's so much freedom in that.

Now GO!

2008-03-05T21:26:00.003-08:00

Typed mid-air in flight on Mar 3:

"Am sitting in the new AirAsia airbus. Nothing special, ‘cept that the interior is a lot whiter and has a very plastic-ky look to it. Oh, and there’s more legroom. The toilet’s a lot cleaner too. Not that I was expecting much.

It was a great 3 days in KL. TOEFL turned out tougher than I thought. Did prepare with some study notes, just to get familiar with the new internet-based 4-part format. This time I made sure I called to confirm that the centre would be open. Will have to wait abt 14 more days for scores to be processed and sent to my uni.

Spent a bit of time pondering about the condition of my heart. But I found myself distracted. Couldn’t hold my concentration for long on a specific thought, my mind would wander off. Struggled to keep it focused, or from falling asleep. It disturbs me when this happens. A sharp mind is so essential.

What do you do when you find that you know what you are moving away from, but without a clue where you’re headed? It occurs to me now that to put it simply, Abraham was called out by a God he barely knew (at that time of his call); he was told what he would be leaving behind, ironically he was not told what he was getting himself into. Like, “hey, you! Get away from this spot to where I’m showing you.”
Ok, ready to go, just tell me which way.
“No, just go.”
Uhmmm…right. Think I need more directions that that. Anytime now.
“No, just go. Move. I’ll tell you after you’ve left.”
What, no co-ordinates? Which way??
“I said, just go! What you waiting for?”
B-b-but… aww, come on, man.
“No, YOU’re the man. I’m GOD.”
Silence.
“Now go!”

It’s termed the ‘call of Abraham’. The I-don’t-know-where-the-heck-I’m-going-but-I’m-going-anyway call. The don’t-ask-questions-just-move-it call. I don’t know about where you’re at in your journey in life but I can’t stop thinking about this lately about my own life. Wanna know each step of the way (down to every turning and elevation), have a good supply of batteries for your torchlight so you’ll always see where you’re going so you’ll never fear or stumble, a compass that actually points to true north (unlike Jack Sparrow's) with an excellent roadmap all the way? Has God ever really worked that way with you? That don’t seem like the God I know.

Do something today or this week that challenges your box of how life or God should function. Don’t manage your life to the point where there is no room for spontaneity, the supernatural, the divine and the beyond-you dimension. God IS real. And He knows you. What scares you to death? What’s your security blanket? Don’t be satisfied with where you’re at, but be open and obedient when you sense a deep stirring that there’s more to life than this."

Met so many wonderful people in those short 3 days. Wini, Tim & Matt; Alvin, Raymond, Calvin & Vincent; Hoon; Ps Vic & Kelly. One thing's for sure, everybody's travelling in life. We all would love to say we know what's ahead, yet I can surmise from my conversations with even these dear friends, that the journey is not the destination. the journey is the gift.

Now GO!
Because you’ll only know how to get there when you MOVE.

God, move in Asia!

2008-02-28T19:38:00.006-08:00

there are emails flying around about 'voting wisely', raising an alarm in my heart. doesn't take much brain power to figure out that we are at a very crucial point in the political history of our nation. but the emails aside, you also need not look far to hear of increasing racial or religious slants becoming more and more in-your-face. and i suspect it doesn't end this year, not even after election is over.

guys, stand guard and pray. it's imperative to keep watch for this season of national election. pray through March 1st til 7th, wherever you are, whatever the time. those of you who are part of Eklektos, i urge you to PRAY THIS SAT MORNING 6-8am KYRUGMA HOUSE. don't let this opportunity for God's move to pass by our nation yet another year/round! we need God-fearing and righteous leaders to take the helm for malaysia, against the tide of injustice and religious manipulation.

plucked this out of a recent email that stirred up my spirit: "...The Saints Movement is a time when the saints, believers in Jesus Christ, recognize and act on the understanding that Christ has empowered and commissioned each of them to be the Church 24/7--manifesting the Kingdom of God wherever they live and work. Every believer has the ability to manifest the supernatural in a miraculous way, and every saint is called to demonstrate the Gospel of the Kingdom (not just the Gospel of salvation) in their sphere of influence...

In 2008, God is releasing special supernatural grace and power to those who are willing and ready for Church Reformation. They will be those who demonstrate the Kingdom of God for the transformation of nations. Expect to hear much preaching and see many books being written on the saints taking dominion, the Kingdom of God, transformation, wealth for Kingdom purposes, the Third and final Apostolic Reformation, and God's purpose for His Church, His Kingdom and planet earth...

2008 is a historical time for the Church. Be an overcomer and make the transition. Allow nothing to keep you from being a participant in this day of divine visitation and reformation. Begin now to earnestly pray, prepare and work for God's Kingdom to come, and His will to be done on earth as it is in Heaven. Amen and Amen."

i know deep down it is a year of transition and i am making that move. whatever i am asking God for right now during my entire study leave away from malaysia, that is my prayer. asia needs to be transformed before Jesus returns. and it will happen nation by nation, at the same time the entire region as a whole. a season of upheaval and radical outbreaking by those who respond to the call. and those who don't will remain locked into to the old mould even more. we need to ask God to raise up more and more passionate young radicals who will bring the Gospel across ASIA to see this whole generation turn to Christ through prophetic intercession and apostolic preaching, seeing churches planted where disciples are made and grown in the power of his Spirit through holy living and total commitment.

and i wanna be part of this move.

God, send more. pour out. fill up.
God, the nations belong to you. malaysia will see Your glory.

calling contenders to battle!

2008-02-15T19:12:00.004-08:00

i'm just gonna put this photo up here, without much comments except that these two are amazing people...aster and hoon. kk will need more like them.

this season we need to contend for an increasing momentum of prayer and breakthrough in worship. every ministry, every youth group, every CF, every small group : it's a season of contention. not for small insignificant things, too. but nation transformation. no one can dissolve God's ultimate sovereignty over our land. as long as there are persons who want His presence and power, malaysia will experience His supernatural presence.

in eklektos my only heart's desire is to see that no matter what, prayer prevails. that though all else may seem like 'failure', faithful ones seeking God and His purposes must gather together without fail. faithfulness is faith demonstrated over time through a series of deliberate Christ-centred actions/decisions. and that faithfulness is all i ask God for in eklektos ministry. it would break my heart to see that fire be lost week after week. God, i beg You not only for passion but sustained passion, that You would keep the faithful ones running on for You, pressing on to things that really matter in Your Kingdom, no matter the cost. Lord, speak to them in dreams and visions, stir their hearts, fire them up with Your rhema word, cause a stirring that is unsatisfied with status-quo but longing, longing so much, to see You move and keep moving. raise these up as Your warriors, Lord, raise up this generation that would dream dreams and prophesy and see miracles. give them a heart that will refuse to desire anything more than they desire You. i place them on the altar of my worship, Lord, i only ask that You will see to their every need, and bring them each to a place of revelation of who You are, and Your promises for them to be a blessing to the nations. God, keep eklektos in Your hand, and bring right leadership for Your namesake, for Your glory. cause every one of these precious ones to walk strong in faith and the power of the Holy Spirit...that they will be as one, as You intended, to spread Your word.

it's contention time, guys. don't slow down, don't give up, don't hold back...don't say later.

hakuna matata, Yahweh-yireh.

2008-02-15T18:03:00.010-08:00

recent experience: flew to miri Feb 8-10 for TOEFLiBT.

streets were literally empty, save for a couple of eateries. stumbled upon this lil' foodcourt after walking a fair distance. sat down and people kept staring, i must have 'out-of-towner' written all across my cheeks. most expensive kolok mee i've ever eaten. RM7, chinese new year price. should've brought a book to read and sit out my money's worth.

got the chance to drive around, the lady who runs the backpackers is extremely liberal with her car. ferried some tourists to the airport a couple of times. in return? she let me use her car for free. not that i was bargaining. amazing boost of confidence for my 'poor' sense of direction, miri is so easy to navigate around.

notice it says 'professional removers'. makes you wonder what they remove. being suspicious, i think it sounds awfully like 'professional assassins'. we remove your arch-enemies for you. maybe no chinese new year price.

but guess what?! test centre was not open! disappointed, waited there with 2 other students. so no TOEFL. visited the youth group of SIB airport road, it was a blessing in disguise. God comforted my heart as i worshipped...

standing here in Your presence
thinking of the good things You have done
waiting here patiently
just to hear Your still small voice again

my soul secure...
Your promise sure..
Your love endures, always.

preparation for studies in the US has not been easy. almost everything i need to get done in order to process my application (for both Fuller and Talbot) so far has gone 'wrong':

"'your transcripts are not complete and need to be verified whether they're the bachelor's equivalent before we accept you."
"you need to show sufficient funds for tuition and living expenses for your whole program, otherwise we cannot process your I-20 form for your visa application."
and the miri TOEFL centre did not open. there goes my airfare! reimburse pls, i pray.
and then, yesterday...
"we need your GPA or you cannot take the Master's program."
"the tuition fees have gone up, please follow the new amount."
"pls get your university to send your official degree transcript and certificate asap."

i can only ask why so many times. have learnt to stop. my soul secure, Your promise sure. God is the One who led me to pursue studies in the US, He will bring me there. He's already opening doors and bringing in the finances, i refuse to worry.

this ENTIRE week genesis 22 rings true in my ears, as i prepare to preach at two services this sunday with this text. 'The Akedah' --- the binding of Isaac. abraham was so amazingly obedient! no delay in his submission. with a tinge of wariness, i wonder if i would ever be as obedient. why wary? because i know deep inside me there's a desire to to live as such, yet knowing the amount of sacrifice it will take. 'take your son, your only son, isaac, whom you love...' - what a painful choice of words God used on abe. but something i typed in reply to a friend's sms this week surprises even myself: abraham didn't know how things will go, but from the point he started his journey he purposed in his heart to follow through to the end. he would have never known he could be so full of faith if he hadn't been put to the test like that. a perfecting of his faith.

God leads us to a higher level of faith when we are willing to trust & obey Him, even to give up everything else or when we cannot understand.

i've chosen you. (abraham)
lead them for me. (moses)
tell them my words. (jeremiah)
come alive. (lazarus)
step off the boat. (peter)
it's time to move. (janice)

my soul secure, Your promise sure.
what has God promised you? what dreams has He placed in your heart? what are you believing Him for?
Yahweh-yireh: God will see. what He sees, your needs He will provide.

refuse to worry.

YOU are my shield and sandwich, forever.

2008-01-16T17:53:00.000-08:00

i hadn't blogged what happened during my recent mountain climb (refer to Jan 9 blog of mt climb photos). was memorizing psalm 91 a few days before the climb, and on the climb's 1st day i meditated on it along my way to 11,000ft. what happened was, on our way to the summit the 2nd morning, just after sayat-sayat hut a gust of cold wind started blowing (it didn't cease until when we made our descent to go home). you would think that by now i should know how much clothing is enough, right? i was for some reason not adequately insulated this time. so there i was, freezing my way up. then just as i was thinking of giving up and head back down, 2 friends who happened to climb as well were there and started singing a malay song to me. so 3 of us plodded along. when they saw i was getting too cold, they started walking tight together on my right where the wind was blowing from, like a shield. and at times when the wind was too much for me, we would stop and they'd sandwich me in the middle for a few minutes in a tight hug. words from psalm 91 flooded my mind, and i wanted to cry. my heart felt as though God was speaking so loud, "hey, you'll be fine, i'm your shield, strong enough for you. life's gonna be okay, i'll take care of you, we won't let you out in the cold by yourself." we made it to the top, though i stopped just short of the peak signboard - but, we made it. 2 God-sent angels.

and in regards to my future (location, ministry, covering, etc.) - that 'sandwich' experience will stick for a long, long time as a word from God for me to strengthen me through the struggle daily to remember that He has not forgotten to answer my prayer for where i am to go and what He will lead me to. dear abe, how did you feel when God told you to leave everything (you love) and go somewhere He hasn't shown you? i mean, how did you know where to put your foot?? that next step...

been taking a class on the Pentateuch (i.e. first 5 books of the bible) in which many thoughts are thrown around...4 mornings every week from 7:40am to 9:20am, i just love being there. as usual (like many prior occasions that i read these 5 books), i am awed by the unfailing love and mercy of my God reflected in Old Testament writings. if you're fond of reading the NT and have wondered why the NT seems to reflect more of the God you know, the God of compassion, slow to anger and abounding in love, turn to the pages of the OT and be awed.

it's an adventure deciding where to go this year. and how it has torn me apart inside! sometimes my emotions swing like the pendulum, and no apparent sign between the 'right' and the 'more right' path to take. learning so much in my walking this journey myself, yet not alone because He's holding my hand. Lord, You know i love You. You will rescue me and protect me, because i long to acknowledge Your name. when i call You will hear and will answer, You will deliver me and show me Your salvation (psalm 91). and JUST as i thought i finally settled into THE choice, started doing applications and all that stuff, and miraculous provisions started coming in --- something SO strange happens last Sat that everything has to halt. aaah! Lord, how long....?

this morning i just soaked in these words in habakkuk 1:12-2:3, what a timely word He spoke to comfort me :

1While standing guard
on the watchtower,
I waited for the LORD's answer,
before explaining the reason
for my
complaint. 2Then the LORD told me:
"I will give you
my message
in the form of a vision.
Write it clearly enough
to be read
at a glance.
3At the time I have decided,
my words will come true.
You can
trust what I say
about the future.
It may take a long time,
but keep on
waiting--
it will happen!

God, i DO trust You have my future in Your hand. i will not doubt and thus be tempted to disobey. You've spoken, You've opened the way, You've shown me You are trustworthy for these past 7 years. the wind can blow any which way, You surround me still. shield me from the cold, Lord. hide me under Your wings where i find my refuge. sandwich me so tight that i will neither turn to the left nor to the right, but just straight ahead where You're going to lead me...though i don't know where that is. that's the only direction i ever want to go, Lord. to YOUR peak, where i hear You singing over me...like a song on the mountain.

tis the season to be trigger-happy !

2008-01-09T00:05:00.000-08:00

it's been a much more trigger-happy season than all other seasons...year end, reunions, family gatherings, christmas/new year get-togethers, etc. i'll let the pictures do the talking, of course with captions where necessary :)

Dec 1 > i had the privilege of being a part of melvin & fuiyen's very memorable event. it was a beautiful wedding, especially the friends bit. i was blessed. sunny and i MC-ed. ever heard of eng-man-ka? it's a mixture of english, mandarin and hakka, we invented it that night. these are what those singaporeans look like (well, two would insist they are malaysians).

Dec 14 > irwin & charmayne's wedding was another memorable affair. until now, i still wonder how come vivien gets the tiara and us three don't. and why everybody decided NOT to look up for the picture when they were told to...

Dec 22 > wilkins initiated something he termed the English Junior Youth Fellowship alumni gathering. most of us turned out, walk down memory lane using that room again...

Dec 24 > after church Christmas Eve celebration, a bunch of us hung out at pan pacific for awhile and took laugh-able photos. i won't put them here, yet.

Dec 28-30 > went with aster's youth mission team to pitas together with gem. relaxing and meaningful, all 3 villages visited (sungai eloi, kabatasan and saab) were blessed by the youths' ministering hands and feet. the 3rd photo shows our car problem on the way back, the spare tyre fell out from under aster's van. oopsie.

Jan 1-2 > great way to start the year 2008. had the honor of climbing Mount Kinabalu with Aunty Tiok Hua's family and Jocelyn (1st photo from LtoR: edward, me, tiok hua, roland, jane; jocelyn). weather was beautiful, and although i wasn't physically as prepared yet this was one of the climbs i enjoyed the most.

"family graduation?"

2008-01-06T06:11:00.000-08:00

my dad had this UMS convocation studio project Sept 2007, and my mum, sis and i would often drop by to visit him at work and bring him dinner. found these gem snapshots today!

(anti-clockwise from bottom left: mum Lucy, dad Henry, sis Phyllis and yours truly Janice)

i like my family. things aren't peachy always, but i like 'em. over the years God has allowed me to be moulded into a somewhat 'better daughter', versus those days of rebellion (which i don't wanna blame on adolescent hormones). He's still speaking to me through my family and my times with them or thinking about them, on a day-to-day basis i'm reminded of love and humility. for that i'm thankful, and days will come when life would have turned one full circle and it's my turn to worry about them. i know God alone sustains us as a unit.

25 I was young and now I am old, yet I have never seen the righteous
forsaken or their children begging bread.
26 They are always
generous and lend freely; their children will be blessed.
27 Turn
from evil and do good; then you will dwell in the land forever.

"Give us clean hands, O God!"

2007-12-21T18:28:00.000-08:00

been walking a more introspective few-weeks, asking God for a greater measure of love for His people than before. learning to listen more than talk, be patient, learning to understand more than to be understood. we love because He first loved us, of late it's been so lifechanging just to shift gears and look out more for others' heart-language than before. but of course i didn't go around attempting to do that for EVERYBODY i meet, that'd be trying to be God. but those around me, those i hang with, those i love God together with, i pray to God for His love to expand my heart and sustain my faith...He's so full of the agape love that i have not.

had Eklektos ldrship meetg two nights ago. in a nutshell: discipleship, prayer, leadership-building are non-negotiables. we took about 5 group shots at the end, this is my fave, yo! (joel, thanks for framing the group photo for our dear "you don't trust me is it?" calvin to click the shutter... it was funnier to be on the other side of the camera watching the wannabe photographer do his thang!)

this morning's prayer time rocked! i'm not addicted to praying with my youth, i'm addicted to praying with my youth in God's presence. what makes the difference? duh, the last 2 words. and God's presence was definitely with us as he led us through a time of breakthrough prayer and repentance. after awhile of praying, we sang 'rain down' and 'give us clean hands', the anointing picked up and everybody began to pray real strong...each of us began to cry out for this generation, then He wanted us to focus on these issues: suicide, pornography, sexual immorality, purposelessness, apathy.

yeah! God, You're raising up a praying army in this place, a generation that seeks
Your face O God of Jacob...of those who know You. of those who would exchange the world just to know Your presence. Lord, turn Your face to us, cause us to long after Your heart's desires above all else, that nothing matters as much as being totally with You - not even signs and wonders, not even big numbers, nothing. Let this army rise to Your trumpet call, Lord, and at the sound of Your voice do great exploits. only at the sound of Your voice.

me bday

2007-12-21T17:58:00.000-08:00

just went through some photo folders and saw these, didn't know they were there at all! it was a memorable night with my eklektos family, nov 21:

this was one surprise i didn't expect. 27 years don't prepare you for times like this. it was towards the end of our service, and halfway through the closing song it switched to a birthday tune! check out the slide they flashed up...awww. out came these balloon-toting guys, i didn't know THAT would happen...

after recovering, i realized the balloons were in the shape of my name...how sweeeeett! aren't they adorable? (i mean the people, not the balloons)

then i was brought onto the stage, and after the song came SPEECH time...speechLESS. i spoke lar, of course! but not much. it was heartwarming just the fact that these awesome young men and women are so loving :) i was so proud to just be with them, the most amazing young people in the whole world were around me, right there...

then i was given a (pretty big) yellow pin to burst the 'J' - "we put notes in there for you, burst them!" okayyy....... "but i'm scared!" some pops later, they encircled me and prayed blessing over me. God, what an honor and privilege. i was blessed to bits :')

it was really touching...felt the luurrve, man...felt the lurve.

emergeNT

2007-12-14T18:06:00.000-08:00

much has happened in the span of this week. i'll just take EMERGENT camp Dec 8-10 - had difficulty penning down my post-camp thoughts. so i ask, 'God, what do You think? what do You see?' perhaps i could write a 10-paged report on how we could have organized it better, avoided more last-minute arrangements, prepared the team and campers better, etc. but that's rubbish, in this case. i'm just gonna stick with the big picture.

camp's theme was abt the new testament church, key verse being acts 2:17. i recall my post on Dec 6, a short excerpt "...we're preparing for a mighty outpouring of Holy Spirit on every one of the 60+ campers and to see these followers of Jesus Christ be imparted with supernatural faith and walk in radical obedience. God is gonna break mindsets of the 'old' and pour in the 'new'; it is time to rethink our ecclesiology and retool in unity to prepare God's army for revival harvest - like a pitstop and a boiling kettle..."

certain amazing happenings:

1) during prayer time on sat morning, Theresa got the words joy and power, God also showed her a picture of His promises kept in a bottle. Gem saw a person holding out his hands in front of him forming a round shape, she didn't know what it meant. on that day, after the 1st session of worship, i felt led to tell everybody, 'ok! hold out both your hands in front of your body like you're holding a big barrel.' at this point, Gem felt her picture was confirmed! and we had everyone say, 'Holy Spirit, come and fill me up!' as they did that as a faith-action. then after the sessions, one of the campers was prayed for by a group, and as she was filled with the power of God the whole group began to be filled with joy, and Theresa felt God had kept His promises, just as she saw.

2) throughout camp we had times of group prayer especially with those who stayed-in (leaders). this is one of the most prayer-full camps! one of us during one prayer time, saw a picture of a circle with a dot in the centre, and then the dot multiplied. the awesome thing was that i saw the same thing and actually prayed it aloud. the youth who saw it got so excited, and everyone was encouraged! it was abt being focused, and allow God to spread and multiply.

3) on Oct 27 during the camp committee's prayer time, we received (i won't mention all): 'no more traditional, God wants to do a new thing', 'God wants to break off old mindsets', a hard-boiled egg signifying 'substance on the inside'. i know most of the stuff covered during the sessions were nothing newly profound, yet when grasped and lived out, radical things will happen. mindset is a powerful thing, and i felt it will be 2 years of breaking, breaking, breaking...while building substance and radical obedience this season amidst many things we don't understand. He's already begun His new thing!

4) we had sessions on (sat) being a disciple vs a convert, acts 2:42-47, supernatural faith by vincent, baptism and holy communion, (sun) visit to community centres in teams, joel 2, (mon) living with purpose by david, discipleship 101 by aivern, going beyond people's expectations by calvin, testimony-sharing and closing. oh! but i remember sun night with fire in my heart, because God spoke strongly during worship to change direction of my message. i felt a drive as we opened to Phil 3 and Joel 2, and God led us through a time of repentance, and later, revival prayer. there was a call for impartation on each person as we ended -- and many small groups praying for one another formed all around the hall. an army!

5) God answered the prayers of many, especially those who fasted and prayed specifically for EMERGENT to know God in a POWERful way.

6) too many to write...

at EMERGENT, i know significant things happened, though invisible to the naked eye. many of the younger ones were touched in ways i had not seen before, and many said, 'this camp is different', 'i thought being a non stay-in camp it wouldn't be as fun, but i don't regret joining', etc.

we ask God to continue His deep work of conviction in every heart! Holy Spirit, come and fill us up to walk in Your presence and power...daily. Eklektos, don't lay low, don't back off, don't slow down - turn up the heat in prayer and radical obedience! emerge, army of God in KK, it is time, contend for revival!

charting your course? land ahoy!

2007-12-05T22:44:00.000-08:00

its been two weeks.

ever felt like you've done so SO so much reflection and soul-searching, that when you sit down before your laptop to post a blog you end up not being able to?
*laugh* happens to me all the time.
but today is a day to post.

are you right now charting the course for a new year ahead, and there are so many decisions just waiting for you to make? if yes, you're not alone. 2007 has been a year of transition for many of us, more so than some years. perhaps i refer to those in malaysia when i say this. and transition may mean uncertainty, loss of clarity, goal assessment, change in career or location, direction-seeking, etc. now that we're at the threshold of 2008, life will get more exciting than ever. oh, i'm sure! and are you feeling just a tad unsure whether you're hearing God right, or when you thought you were clear some minor occurrences seem to pop up causing some doubt in your heart? maybe you're frustrated as you wait on the Lord and still find yourself back to square one? if yes, you're not alone.

you're probably getting the idea - 'aha! janice is in the same dilemma.' wow! how'd you guess?! well, personal details aside, i've got something to share that may encourage your hearts to wait, and wait on still. been reading through the OT, found such jewel-bits that spoke to me in volumes never before heard. i'll pick on samuel, that young prophet who heard God when visions were rare. God doesn't always speak the way we expect, huh? and three times God called lil' sam! good thing eli figured out it was God, otherwise "david as king" might not have happened...i mean, that's when samuel's journey as a prophet started, right? on he grew in his destiny, and through him david's destiny was sealed. or rather, oiled *grin* david was such an eccentric, even before sam anointed him. such a character, i love him! but you see, if i were even HALF like david, i would've SO doubted i heard God rightly. i'd be like, "i thought you said this would happen??" or "didn't you tell me that...??!" he knew God spoke of his calling, he knew God's plan for his career/life, there seemed to be confirmations along the way...but boy, he had to wait. and so long! two times he could've sped things up a bit. kill off saul and tada! the throne's yours, o dave! if you read on 1 and 2 samuel, notice how many times he'd ask God before battles. the victory's sure when you seek the Lord surely.

i know God wants me to know which decision is right; He doesn't sway, He doesn't give wrong directions, He doesn't play with your mind. note: (1) every decision, pray decisively. don't be afraid to articulate your desires BOLDLY and UNASHAMEDLY. i need to learn this so much. (2) ask for confirmation through people, scripture, etc. but trust your own discerning heart to make sound judgment for your future. (3) take concrete steps in faith toward what you're praying for, while being open to other options if any. (4) be prepared to wait VERY patiently and claim that peace of God will be yours when you settle into the best decision.
still charting my course, yet to see shore but it's there over the horizon...heard the phrase "life is fragile, handle with prayer"? i say life is adventurous, navigate with prayer. land ahoy!

someone very wise said last week, "it's a matter of time, not a matter of heart." huh? what does that mean? it means when your heart is set on something (i.e. dream, goal, etc.), don't over the course of time let that slip away or disintegrate but trust in the right time it will come to fruition. although occasionally disillusioned, or maybe you may refine it a bit, it doesn't mean your passion has changed or you've lost sight of it. let your heart stay faithful. it's a matter of time. that was like woah! i'll pray abt 2008 with that!

preparing for Eklektos' EMERGENT camp Dec 8-10, during which i will speak at 3-4 sessions focusing on Acts 2:42-47 and Joel 2:28 (the NT in 'EMERGENT' being New Testament), along with other facilitators. we're preparing for a mighty outpouring of Holy Spirit on every one of the 60+ campers and to see these followers of Jesus Christ be imparted with supernatural faith and walk in radical obedience. God is gonna break mindsets of the 'old' and pour in the 'new'; it is time to rethink our ecclesiology and retool in unity to prepare God's army for revival harvest - like a pitstop and a boiling kettle. it is time! if you're reading this and will pray for us, don't pray gentle, mild prayers - i ask for your radical & passionate intercession on our behalf to the Father.

P/S: please pray for the kampung air villagers that stay within walking distance from my house in tanjung aru. many were forced to evacuate on Nov 26 when the seawater level rose and big waves struck down some wooden bridges and houses. the weather department has given a warning that there would be another 'wave of destruction' (pardon the pun) this Dec 25 (at least that's what some of these villagers told me). ask that it not happen, that we can praise God who is in control of all elements.

changes?!?

2007-11-23T05:27:00.000-08:00

"be the change you want to see in the world."
mahatma gandhi said this.

past few days been praying for a mighty wind of change, for God to move what men (and women) so far have not been able to. just got back from a, shall i say, intensely disturbing and interestingly boring few-days' camp. will not divulge much info here, but for sure it was one freaking tiring camp simply from the weight of decisions being made there. these are deciding factors in many ways for a future so linked with my own (whether i like it or not), in more ways than i'd like to acknowledge. SO worn-out by now, just glad i made it home! plus, the amount of hakka spoken throughout the whole ordeal gave me a splitting headache i hadn't had for a long time.
am i glad i went? sure.

aside from the buzz of teatime talks, i spent the freetimes thinking by myself just short of seeming anti-social. and as i reflected (coupled with some serious people-watching!) at the camp, it reinforced the fact that one can devote one's whole life to effect change. some social issue. or a cause concerning justice. people do it all the time. suicide bombers, we say, are 'emulate-able' because they're not afraid to die for what they believe in. like Lions for Lambs, "what will you STAND for? what will you FIGHT for? what will you LIVE for? what will you DIE for?" but TRUTH, much like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder. there are those who choose to do something when something needs to be done, but sometimes some of these martyrs choose a 'wrong' cause. or rather, they're blind and cannot see what they hold on to may be wrong.

there are so many people, GOOD people, who truly use up decades of their lives serving some system or government or organization or idea of a better world - and we ask ourselves, "do they know there's a better way? do they know there's a whole different view out there? do they realize their inability to SEE?"

with the wariness i felt, it made me unable to fully immerse myself in the post-camp conversation going on with my team, which expressed their enthusiastic hope that with these decisions newly in place from this camp there will be some long-awaited positive changes, FINALLY. inside i pray silently in my heart, "God, i ask that i would always ONLY fight for the cause that You want me to. i don't wanna hold firm to ideals that are not in line with Your will...these who seem so 'blind' yet so fully believe their views are right, how it frustrates me that they cannot see! but Lord, ensure i am not blind myself! here we try to effect change so that they would see these new decisions will bring good. Lord, may i not find myself in those same shoes ever --- thinking i'm being the change i want to see in the world, yet not SEEing my views could be wrong, or 'more right'."

it frightens me to imagine any of us can stand/fight/live/die for change we want to see but be blind to TRUTH. may that not happen when we endeavor to devote our lives for the Kingdom of God. may that not happen when we weigh justice versus mercy, righteousness versus peace. may that not happen when we need to choose conflict above conformity and counterfeit. may TRUTH be seen through the eye of the Greatest Beholder.

monday sunset story

2007-11-13T18:20:00.000-08:00

people say that a picture speaks a thousand words.
i say that which cannot be enshrined in a picture speaks infinitely more.

monday i went for my routine jog on the beach. as i walked over to my car short of breath (not very fit now), a glance at the sunset stopped me in my tracks. there was a gravitational pull beckoning me to enjoy it, to just soak in the view and not rush off. i turned back and found a spot under a little tree and leaned back, my face toward the horizon. it has always made a deep impression on me something my dad said many years ago. "you don't get good sunsets with clear skies." funny how naturally some of us think clear skies = nice weather = good sunset. well, at least i did. i stared at the sun slowly being absorbed into the spotclouds of white and gray surrounding it, as if they're hiding the fact that the sun's sinking into the sea. but oh, it was so glorious! anyone would've gasped! sunrays bounced off in brightly glaring orange turning everything that catches its glow into spectacular orangy-yellow hues. the remaining sunrays either reflected off of some spotclouds or penetrated through them, the effect was magnificent. streaks of gray merged with graduated tones of orange streaks across the blue-white sky, and like many times over in the past, i smiled in agreement to my dad's statement but with tears in my eyes.

the most beautiful sunset may well be one speckled with gray clouds all over, and still shines gloriously bright.

a million thoughts flooded into my heart. a gazillion questions.

conversation took place as i let the questions flow incessantly, things i couldn't understand, feelings i couldn't describe. what matters most to You, God? Your thoughts, Your theology? Your child's heart? a life lived in fullness? does that mean a life with no clouds, no mistakes, no gray? like a sunset with no clouds...what beauty is there? perhaps never having to overcome trials or obstacles, is that fullness? never needing to penetrate through clouds, like the evanescence of dreams, like the sun fading quietly into the horizon? what's glorious for my life, clear skies or spotclouds all over? is it always doing what's right or wrong? never creating a cloud? how does one live fully from the heart that God created, but not feel constricted with tension when mind and heart doesn't correspond? how is a journey of faith one of a heart fully come alive yet not going out of bounds at times? dare i come fully alive? dare i know what You really want for me?

trust Your heart, I'm with you.
Your heart will know what to do.
but if my mind says no? Lord, say something.

and God whispered to me...i swallowed them all down and wiped my eyes.

when the sunset was gone, i left for home. think i'm glad i didn't have a camera to immortalize the scene, because "that which cannot be enshrined in a picture speaks infinitely more"...

let God.

2007-11-04T03:39:00.000-08:00

the worst could yet happen
and the day's not over
still it gets darker
and i run for cover
not finding much
but losing all
so i let go

can't see sense in everything
what i do understand is sacrifice
there is no 'suffice'
there's many more tries
the choice may crush
i'll risk, maybe fall
but i'll let God.

kinda cheesy? i know. just off the top of my head...does say it all, how i'm feeling today.

there was a struggle to choose, and i chose. even if no one may fully understand, i know it was done in love. so with all the pain in my chest, i say 'no regrets'. and i'll swallow it down and take it with a smile, because the best choice is always that one you chose which totally denies your SELF - crucified.

'ginosko' denotes understanding beyond just plain knowledge. to learn to know, to come to know, feel, to be aware of. today i reflected on that choice, and i feel the repercussions like a knife lodged into my heart (and pressed in further, still). but i know i chose right. doesn't need to feel right.

repairing the repairer

2007-10-30T20:47:00.000-07:00

repairing the repairer, towing the tower.

no, it's not a new saying. but it can be :) on my way to kyrugma office today, i saw one of the most eye-catching sights: a broken down tow-truck at the side of the road, being repaired and fixed onto another tow-truck. i know i should have more compassion, but it IS something i have never seen before - a towtruck getting ready to be towed!

immediately i felt God bring to my mind that sometimes we overlook the reality of us who 'repair' others can also be in need of repair. for this, i mean specifically God's church. it will take a breakdown or a ceasing of progress for us to see we have not moved as the church should move. when the tow-truck isn't functioning, it then has to rely on another of its kind. many of us need the humility to admit that at times what we're doing just isn't working anymore, that we need another who is in working order to get us out of the rut. i thought of pastors who have long run out of steam but don't recognize their need. i thought of us servants of God who are in danger of total failure because we are reluctant to revamp and reoil our engines (in the manner of speaking, since we're talking about vehicles here) - be it personal life or Body life. why? maybe change frightens us. but it's either regress or progress. and the church as we know it is regressing.

everybody needs towing sometimes, even the tower. and for many things in life, if you're not willing to see it and drive-in voluntarily for maintenance, then sooner or later you will have to face the reality, you are either in a dire condition or going to just dwindle to nothing. it's an eventual thing.

and so as i reflected it was a reassurance, like God is saying to me this is a time of repairing, of renovating, of revamping. you will see the new things i am doing, and you have felt its approaching. it's time to be towed and shown the way by those i have brought onto your path to shed some light and prepare you for the greater journey ahead, that you can move ahead with renewed purpose and energy and bringing change even afterwards and gather the people with strength of conviction and clarity of vision.

personally, it is time for me to come to a complete halt and allow God to tow me (pardon the pun). sure been a long time coming, but earlier timing wasn't right - now it is.

Pass through, pass through the gates!
Prepare the way for the people.
Build up, build up the highway!
Remove the stones.
Raise a banner for the nations.
~ Isaiah 62:10 (a word from elizabeth after last Sat's EC)

sometimes...
unless you take a drastic step, you may stay status quo for always.
unless you shake out of your box, you may be stuck in your perspective.
so get towed!

know what you pray for.

2007-10-25T20:40:00.000-07:00

Calvin: Know what I pray for?

Hobbes: What?

Calvin: The strength to change what I can, the inability to accept what I can't, and the incapacity to tell the difference.

i've read this many times, and i still find it funny! why?

funny how sometimes in our communication with God we reveal more of our own hearts than we realize, instead of allowing Him to reveal His.

funny how we say our loud 'amen's now and then when someone prays while not soberly coming to terms with the essence of what we're agreeing to so mechanically.

funny how for the most parts of our nicely-strung prayers (when we attempt to maintain correctness in all our theology and doctrines of praying 'right'), we still tend to slot in a couple of 'but's and ask God to bless us more than beating our own hearts to beat His and bending our will to His.

funny how we struggle to be so objective and 'holy' in placing our requests before God knowing full well that our words may not echo the whispers of our inner being nor reflect truly the desires of our hearts.

what you pray must be from the heart, "...for you look deep within the mind and heart, O righteous God."

though the bible says, "but my people would not listen to me. they kept doing whatever they wanted, following the stubborn desires of their evil hearts. they went backward instead of forward." and "for from within, out of a person's heart, come evil thoughts...", i believe still that the heart of prayer is to pray from the heart.

praying God's will is the aim. but prayer is also a journey of the heart and learning to lean towards God's will. an alignment of our will with His, a convergence of heaven on earth. so it's a process, and you gotta start with what's dearest on your heart, what's closest to your dreams. "...and he will give you the desires of your heart" suggests that coming before Him is an act of FIRST loving on Jesus before any thing/one else, and allow Him to bring you through a process of refining and aligning...and as your heart is poured out, you are then free to obey what God will say and to ask His will be done.

"guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life." ~ Prov 4:23

Lord, let me hide your word in my heart, that i might not sin against you.

I lie in the dust; revive me by your word.
I told you my plans, and you answered. Now teach me your
decrees.
Help me understand the meaning of your commandments, and I will meditate
on your wonderful deeds.
I weep with sorrow; encourage me by your word.
Keep me from lying to myself; give me the privilege of knowing your
instructions.
I have chosen to be faithful; I have determined to live by your
regulations.
I cling to your laws. Lord, don’t let me be put to shame!
I will pursue your commands, for you expand my understanding.
psalm 119:25-32

between us and God, let it be with all our heart and with all our soul and with all our mind and with all our strength.

His Body. whose body?

2007-10-17T20:18:00.000-07:00

the last supper.

"a substantial meal with a symbolic meaning, not a symbolic meal with a substantial meaning." ~ HTCTW by Wolfgang Simson

have u ever noticed the pattern of the bridge to 'Hosanna' by Hillsong?

heal my heart and make it clean,
open up my eyes to the things unseen,
show me how to love like You have loved me.
break my heart for what breaks Yours,
everything i am for Your Kingdom's cause,
as i go from earth into eternity...

i see the pattern of a disciple. from first being saved on toward the fullness of that salvation. the journey of faith unto death.

my God broke His body for His Body. and i am a part of it. He was broken for me. and i walk with Him hearing His heart break for His Body, that should contain all of His love and grace and faith, to release truth and freedom - so that His Kingdom be done on earth as it is in heaven. but we the Body forget, and lose sight of the substantial meaning of the cross, and the last supper. and i pray, "break my heart for what breaks Yours, Lord. that Your brokenness becomes my brokenness."

it will take a lifetime to mean it.

as i go from earth into eternity...

just thinking.

2007-10-17T07:59:00.000-07:00

i think i think too much.
hmm...
i think i think i think too much.

maybe...i think too much LATELY? but, not really.
*blink*
yeah, i think too much.

my reflections today (actually some are EVERYday!):

1) "Since the New Testament times, there is no such thing as "a house of God"...the Church is the people of God. The Church, therefore, was and is at home where people are at home: in ordinary houses." - excerpt from "Houses That Change the World", one of those duh yet profound statements that can easily sound controversial
2) our young people are being brought up in churchy-culture with all the hype in its form minus the holistic-ness in its power. what is new wineskin in our malaysian context?
3) we seem to be robbing people of the joy of being baptized into God's family through the imposing of preparation procedures that at times are rigid and unnecessary, class after class and book after book
4) i really should unpack my stuff from those boxes in my bedroom since the flooring's been redone
5) there's nothing that can be no. 1 in my life most assuredly besides Christ, He's got to be the centre of everything...don't get distracted, don't get discouraged...
6) i have less than two months to do the impossible - God, HELLLPPP! decisions, decisions...
7) gotta pray through about "a new sound of worship arising from KK, a new beat, a new song, young people beginning to worship God with a new sound from heaven...", make it happen, Lord... eklektos camp would be a good place to see You answer this prayer..we pray so.
8) keep telling the youth, "don't bring your friends to church, first know that you are bringing church TO them." - simple paradigm shift, but makes a big difference.
9) i need to finish that wolfgang simson book within a week...gotta read, read, read! *yawn*
10) why doesn't Gardenia distribute banana walnut bread in KK if they do in Singapore? why?!?!? i'm hungry.

off i go to read! and think some more.

(what!? and you don't think so many thoughts everyday?)